So last night in the middle of our camps "Around the World" night and RIGHT when my Indonesian students, all dressed up in their traditional clothing, were about to start a performance a crazy wind storm picked up out of nowhere and since we were under a circus tent we had to rush to find shelter and get away from the tent in case it collapsed.
Being from California and a desert rat (or squirrel if you get my meaning) wind storms (Santa Ana winds anyone?) are pretty common. Although the winds were stronger than I was used to and branches were definitely coming down quickly I personally wasn't in any panic.
However I didn't think to realize that people from Indonesia are NOT used to wind storms and the fact that it came out of nowhere really riled them up and freaked them out.
We spent most of the night taking care of shaken campers and by 11:30pm the storm was long past and only some of the staff was left me included. Because the lights had gone out, we had spent around two hours in a crowded, humid and incredibly hot basement with freaked out teenagers and we suddenly realized everything in the freezer was going to melt we decided to eat the ice cream that was in the stores freezer.
I had already gone over my calories that night and it was waaayy too late to be eating ice cream, but I still grabbed an ice cream bar and went to town with it. I knew what I was doing but at that point I was hot, sweaty, tired and wanted sugar.
Apparently that ice cream didn't satisfy because today, as we finished our workshops, went out to find all our lost belongings and ended up moving to a hotel (power is still out and water was down at camp) I ended up eating a countless amount of Starburst candies, a few sour gummies, and had three slices of pizza and two cans of soda for dinner. I haven't eaten Starburst candies in I don't know how long and I don't even drink soda that much anymore! So maybe this little hell storm really did have an effect on me.. One of unconscious emotional eating.
It really is a mystery how my mind works sometimes and how I think it's ok to just binge out on junk food when something.. unpleasant happens.
But I'm aware of my actions and I'm definitely planning to stop this "off the wagon" behavior before it gets worse. I have to be more careful with my food choices. This is definitely the time when I can simply go off track if I let myself.
I can tell you that I feel bloated and sluggish now. Why do I do this to my body? I don't know. Soda is such a horrible thing.. But I can't keep complaining. What's done is done and tomorrow is another day.
-w0rld
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Check In/ Twenty Days Since My New Start
Twenty days since I started counting calories again. Since I don't have access to a scale I've been trying the clothes that I know have fit me tightly lately to see the changes and guess what; they fit!
Now I still have a slight muffin top on the pants but that's better than the giant gut that was going on just a month ago.
I'm hoping that the food intake (and the amazing food at the vegetarian/organic food dinning hall I'm being spoiled with) is helping me to get my health back.
Here's the calorie count for the last 19 or so days with my calorie range being between 1450 and 1550 calories/day:
6/3: 2438 calories
6/4: 2530 calories
6/5: 2230 calories
6/6: 2391 calories
6/7: 2590 calories
6/8: 1496 calories
6/9: 2109 calories
6/10: 2113 calories
6/11: 1592 calories
6/12: 1625 calories
6/13: 1434 calories
6/14: 1217 calories
6/15: 1542 calories
6/16: 1557 calories
6/17: 1589 calories
6/18: 1580 calories
6/19: 1916 calories
6/20: 1565 calories
6/21: 1666 calories
6/22: 1362 calories
I've been checking out the pattern of my food in take to see how I'm doing. The first week I just ate normally but consciously and I saw that indeed I had been going back to eating more than 2000 calories a day "Well, no wonder nothing's happening." From there I started trying to be more responsible about my food and besides a couple of hiccups in the beginning I've mainly been able to stay in the 1500 calorie range. In the last few days I've been trying to focus more on staying closer to 1400 calories and again I'm finding it to be a bit of a challenge. But that's nothing that time and practice can't fix.
Apart from that I've been happy to report that I've been walking every night. Now it's not the same as running but it's rewarding. I'm back to "go a little farther every day" plan and I must say it really is the best method for me to keep going without getting bored. I've been walking the main road from the last hill at camp back to the main road. I started with the perimeters of camps but now I've not only reached the main road but started walking a long it too. It's pretty nice to see how far I've come in a week or two.
Also (and this is my most exciting one) I've been true to my promise to myself of doing push ups and crunches every night. I started with 10 push ups a night. After about a week of 10 push ups I decided to start my "go a little farther" routine and started doing one extra push up a night. So the next night I did 11, then 12, then 13 etc.
Last night I was able to do 24 push ups no sweat. It felt AMAZING.
I bought my pilates video and the initial weight loss work out has a lot of breathing and stretching. It's more yoga than pilates in my opinion and although I know that breathing routines and stretching are important parts of any routine I've been a little disappointed that I'm not really working up as much of a sweat as I want. So I've decided to move on to the next video that's more of a challenge. I'll let you know how much that video kicks my butt... and hopefully tones it too!
For now all is well. I feel better when I wake up in the morning and I don't feel as hungry at night. My internal freak out and self-hate sessions have subsided and I've found that I got a second wind and I'm more excited about work now; which is a relief because I was really out of it in the beginning. Sigh* I can do this but I have to keep reminding myself that it will take time. Time. Time. Time.
That's all for now. Next week will be the big week when the camp finally opens. Which means the students finally get to experience camp which is awesome. But this also means that camp is open and there are going to be kids everywhere. I hope that my night walks and other activities will continue when the camp is in session.
Here's hoping all will go well.
Have a great week everyone!
love
-w0rld
Now I still have a slight muffin top on the pants but that's better than the giant gut that was going on just a month ago.
I'm hoping that the food intake (and the amazing food at the vegetarian/organic food dinning hall I'm being spoiled with) is helping me to get my health back.
Here's the calorie count for the last 19 or so days with my calorie range being between 1450 and 1550 calories/day:
6/3: 2438 calories
6/4: 2530 calories
6/5: 2230 calories
6/6: 2391 calories
6/7: 2590 calories
6/8: 1496 calories
6/9: 2109 calories
6/10: 2113 calories
6/11: 1592 calories
6/12: 1625 calories
6/13: 1434 calories
6/14: 1217 calories
6/15: 1542 calories
6/16: 1557 calories
6/17: 1589 calories
6/18: 1580 calories
6/19: 1916 calories
6/20: 1565 calories
6/21: 1666 calories
6/22: 1362 calories
I've been checking out the pattern of my food in take to see how I'm doing. The first week I just ate normally but consciously and I saw that indeed I had been going back to eating more than 2000 calories a day "Well, no wonder nothing's happening." From there I started trying to be more responsible about my food and besides a couple of hiccups in the beginning I've mainly been able to stay in the 1500 calorie range. In the last few days I've been trying to focus more on staying closer to 1400 calories and again I'm finding it to be a bit of a challenge. But that's nothing that time and practice can't fix.
Apart from that I've been happy to report that I've been walking every night. Now it's not the same as running but it's rewarding. I'm back to "go a little farther every day" plan and I must say it really is the best method for me to keep going without getting bored. I've been walking the main road from the last hill at camp back to the main road. I started with the perimeters of camps but now I've not only reached the main road but started walking a long it too. It's pretty nice to see how far I've come in a week or two.
Also (and this is my most exciting one) I've been true to my promise to myself of doing push ups and crunches every night. I started with 10 push ups a night. After about a week of 10 push ups I decided to start my "go a little farther" routine and started doing one extra push up a night. So the next night I did 11, then 12, then 13 etc.
Last night I was able to do 24 push ups no sweat. It felt AMAZING.
 |
| Impatiently waiting for the time to pass. |
 |
| Wait, is this thing even working?? |
That's all for now. Next week will be the big week when the camp finally opens. Which means the students finally get to experience camp which is awesome. But this also means that camp is open and there are going to be kids everywhere. I hope that my night walks and other activities will continue when the camp is in session.
Here's hoping all will go well.
Have a great week everyone!
love
-w0rld
Saturday, June 16, 2012
I'm feeling better.
Back in Virginia and I'm feeling better. After my rant two days ago (and still in San Francisco) I was able to calm down (writing always helps put things in perspective) really look at what I'm doing, where I was and see that I really was being too harsh on myself.
Soon after I learned that it's the T.O.M again and suddenly everything made more sense. The overreactions and emotional craziness I get with PMS can be amazing. And once I recognize them they go away like a lowering tide. Also amazing.
I'm better now. I can actually look at myself in the mirror and see that I am not actually a disgusting looking person but just me. A work-in-progress with a self-deprecating smile and determination behind the eyes. Grrr!
Plus one thing that I noticed as well is that I need to stop hiding or feeling ashamed that I'm trying to lose weight. It never helps when you're hiding it. So now that I'm staying in a cabin with my co-workers I already told one of them that they're going to see me making a fool of myself doing pilates 'cause guess what:
I'm buying this!
My old pilates video got scratched then lost. Sadness. I really want to get back to it so I'm getting this dvd and I'm going to add it to my nightly routine. And one day things will get better. They will.
love
-w0rld
Soon after I learned that it's the T.O.M again and suddenly everything made more sense. The overreactions and emotional craziness I get with PMS can be amazing. And once I recognize them they go away like a lowering tide. Also amazing.
I'm better now. I can actually look at myself in the mirror and see that I am not actually a disgusting looking person but just me. A work-in-progress with a self-deprecating smile and determination behind the eyes. Grrr!
Plus one thing that I noticed as well is that I need to stop hiding or feeling ashamed that I'm trying to lose weight. It never helps when you're hiding it. So now that I'm staying in a cabin with my co-workers I already told one of them that they're going to see me making a fool of myself doing pilates 'cause guess what:
 |
| I'm working on it~ |
My old pilates video got scratched then lost. Sadness. I really want to get back to it so I'm getting this dvd and I'm going to add it to my nightly routine. And one day things will get better. They will.
love
-w0rld
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Why am I so... angry???
I'm usually a positive person. I swear I am! But these last few weeks, I've been upset, stressed, angry, impatient, and worst of all I've been so MEAN to myself.
All the negative thoughts I've been fueling recently have all gone back to their favorite hobby. Putting myself down. Every time I see my reflection I have a disgusting frown. I convince myself I've gained 15 lbs every day. I pull my hair, pull up my pants, stand up straight and suck it in and then get angry when I let my gut go. I can't stand to look at my flabby arms. I detest my large thighs. I even started getting upset whenever my hair decided to get frizzy. My hair is ALWAYS frizzy! It's part of it's charm (lol). Why am I getting upset over these things? They're nothing new...
I know I'm upset because my original goals were ruined when I let myself get injured and couldn't run anymore. I know I'm upset because I was noticing the scale go up, Up, UP and I didn't start taking my health seriously enough to stop eating the next order of fries. I know I'm upset because I'm learning this new job and it's a lot of responsibility and I can get angsty trying to remember every little detail in our itinerary. and..
In my head I know I'm wrong. I know that I still weigh well under when I started. I know that I'm just upset and because I know I've been active and eating right I know there's very little chance I've gained any more weight (though I'm still very doubtful about the weight loss. But I'm hopeful!). I know that my flabby arms are now more skin than fat and I just have to start strength training more to try and tone them. I know I am active. I marvel at how well I can go up hills, walk quickly, squat, get up, jump and stretch.
This week I've been paying close attention to my food intake and luckily our schedule is so packed I don't even have time to over snack. LOL. I have been making time to go to the hotels fitness center and I've spent quality time with the elliptical and cycling machines. I've even gotten a few chances to swim! Oooh swimming. It really is a bliss to have. All my worries, stress, anger simply float away when I'm swimming. I feel like all my frustrations about my health and my weight simply go away because I KNOW by swimming I'm doing something about it. Plus I love it!
But the bliss only lasts so long and the next morning I'm back to criticizing my reflection. I think what I really need is a break. I never took much of a break after finishing work in the mountain. I was jaded and upset when I left. So done with working there for the moment that I needed a breather. But I didn't get one because less than 48 hours after I left there I started this new job. (which is a great job by the way but a little stressful.) I needed a break. A time to relax and just let go. Maybe I'll get that this weekend? I hope so. I seriously hope so.
On the bright side this job is amazing. The students I work with are a fantastic group of kids and my two co-workers are veterans and have been amazing at helping me keep things in check and keep the day rolling smoothly. Yesterday was an amazing day because we spent it going to Muir Beach and Muir woods (probably one of the prettiest places in the west coast) and after we spent some time checking out and taking pictures of the Golden Gate Bridge. Not only that but the weather decided to be nice to us and there was no fog! We could see the bridge perfectly! It was awesome.
Things are getting better. I just hope I can start forgiving my reflection and start loving myself again. I owe my body that. I owe my mind that. I can do this.
-w0rld
All the negative thoughts I've been fueling recently have all gone back to their favorite hobby. Putting myself down. Every time I see my reflection I have a disgusting frown. I convince myself I've gained 15 lbs every day. I pull my hair, pull up my pants, stand up straight and suck it in and then get angry when I let my gut go. I can't stand to look at my flabby arms. I detest my large thighs. I even started getting upset whenever my hair decided to get frizzy. My hair is ALWAYS frizzy! It's part of it's charm (lol). Why am I getting upset over these things? They're nothing new...
I know I'm upset because my original goals were ruined when I let myself get injured and couldn't run anymore. I know I'm upset because I was noticing the scale go up, Up, UP and I didn't start taking my health seriously enough to stop eating the next order of fries. I know I'm upset because I'm learning this new job and it's a lot of responsibility and I can get angsty trying to remember every little detail in our itinerary. and..
In my head I know I'm wrong. I know that I still weigh well under when I started. I know that I'm just upset and because I know I've been active and eating right I know there's very little chance I've gained any more weight (though I'm still very doubtful about the weight loss. But I'm hopeful!). I know that my flabby arms are now more skin than fat and I just have to start strength training more to try and tone them. I know I am active. I marvel at how well I can go up hills, walk quickly, squat, get up, jump and stretch.
This week I've been paying close attention to my food intake and luckily our schedule is so packed I don't even have time to over snack. LOL. I have been making time to go to the hotels fitness center and I've spent quality time with the elliptical and cycling machines. I've even gotten a few chances to swim! Oooh swimming. It really is a bliss to have. All my worries, stress, anger simply float away when I'm swimming. I feel like all my frustrations about my health and my weight simply go away because I KNOW by swimming I'm doing something about it. Plus I love it!
But the bliss only lasts so long and the next morning I'm back to criticizing my reflection. I think what I really need is a break. I never took much of a break after finishing work in the mountain. I was jaded and upset when I left. So done with working there for the moment that I needed a breather. But I didn't get one because less than 48 hours after I left there I started this new job. (which is a great job by the way but a little stressful.) I needed a break. A time to relax and just let go. Maybe I'll get that this weekend? I hope so. I seriously hope so.
 |
| ~Beautiful day in San Francisco~ |
Things are getting better. I just hope I can start forgiving my reflection and start loving myself again. I owe my body that. I owe my mind that. I can do this.
-w0rld
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Hello Virginia!
So my summer job has me training in Virginia! I'm working for this gorgeous camp outside of Roanoke Virginia and it's absolutely gorgeous. It's an international camp so the dinning hall food is organic, from the local garden outside AND vegetarian. Which is mainly a blessing but also secretly a curse, because if you know vegetarian dishes, a lot of them have a lot of bread and cheese involved! Oooh bread and cheese my nemesis!
So I promised myself that this summer was going to be the time I was going to seriously focus on getting back on track. I started a little rough but I finally started getting in the swing of paying close attention to what I'm eating, counting calories and WALKING!
This place is soo BEAUTIFUL! And so GREEN! The naturalist/biologist in me is fascinated and frustrated because I've never been to the East Coast before and I don't recognize the trees. I don't recognize the insects. I can't tell what kind of squirrels they have!!! I'm the squirrel girl! This is crazy!
But for the last 4 days I've been going on evening walks and I have continued my promise to do pushups and crunches every night as well. I'm finally getting in to a groove and really getting a sweat which is making me happy.
I probably left my job closer to 220 lbs. My goal is just to be closer to 215 lbs by mid or late July. I don't have a scale while I'm traveling so I made sure to bring a few snug pieces of clothing and I'll just pay attention to how well they fit at the end of the summer. I'm also paying attention to how I feel. I usually feel pretty heavy and crappy when I haven't been working out and lighter and full of energy when I'm active. That's pretty much how I've been gauging my current success.
I'll be traveling a lot this summer, from Virginia to San Francisco, to Washington D.C., to Virginia to maybe Pennsylvania and/or Boston, to Chicago and then back to Southern California so I'll have to see how my workout regimen works on the road, in hotels, in random cities and house hopping.
Wish me luck!
love
-w0rld
.JPG) |
| One of the two hills I have to walk to and from to get to the dinning hall. |
This place is soo BEAUTIFUL! And so GREEN! The naturalist/biologist in me is fascinated and frustrated because I've never been to the East Coast before and I don't recognize the trees. I don't recognize the insects. I can't tell what kind of squirrels they have!!! I'm the squirrel girl! This is crazy!
.JPG) |
| Beautiful creek I pass on my nightly walks. |
But for the last 4 days I've been going on evening walks and I have continued my promise to do pushups and crunches every night as well. I'm finally getting in to a groove and really getting a sweat which is making me happy.
I probably left my job closer to 220 lbs. My goal is just to be closer to 215 lbs by mid or late July. I don't have a scale while I'm traveling so I made sure to bring a few snug pieces of clothing and I'll just pay attention to how well they fit at the end of the summer. I'm also paying attention to how I feel. I usually feel pretty heavy and crappy when I haven't been working out and lighter and full of energy when I'm active. That's pretty much how I've been gauging my current success.
I'll be traveling a lot this summer, from Virginia to San Francisco, to Washington D.C., to Virginia to maybe Pennsylvania and/or Boston, to Chicago and then back to Southern California so I'll have to see how my workout regimen works on the road, in hotels, in random cities and house hopping.
Wish me luck!
love
-w0rld
Monday, May 28, 2012
The Scale Liked Me Today/Weigh In
I've become so upset, yet hadn't really taken any real steps on the latest weight gain. So when I weighed myself this morning I was pretty pleased with what the scale said, although the mirror really didn't agree with it.
Current Weight: 216.6 lbs
So that's the smallest number I've seen all year so far. I gained so much weight in January the lowest I'd gotten since then had been 217 lbs. So I'm hoping that I'll be able to keep seeing this number go down.
I start my new job exactly a week from today. I want to weigh 215 lbs. Looking at the scale I think I can make that happen. I just have to be adamant about making sure I don't binge and keep active. Today wasn't a very good start. I grazed all day and this evening at a get together at my boss I almost single handed-ly ate the bean dip and more than a few cookies for appetizers. I still feel full now. I'll have to do better the rest of the week. I'm really rooting for the 0.4 lbs loss.
I think I can! I think I can!
My goal for this summer is to reach 200 lbs by my birthday in August. Going back to the 50 lbs loss mark would be a great way to get myself back on track. I think losing 16 lbs in 2.5 months is definitely do-able.
How am I going to do it? Well for now I think I'm going to reintroduce myself to fruits and vegetables. Because I can't run I've been going on long walks and easy short hikes. I'm going to make a streak to do 10 push ups a day and 100 crunches a day for a month. Also VERY do-able.
We'll start there. I'm not going to make too many elaborate goals yet. We'll start with fruits and vegetables, walks, crunches and push ups. For one month. I think I can do that.
Wish me luck. I've already done my push ups, and walk for the day. I just need 20 more crunches. LOL
We can do this!
love
-w0rld
Current Weight: 216.6 lbs
So that's the smallest number I've seen all year so far. I gained so much weight in January the lowest I'd gotten since then had been 217 lbs. So I'm hoping that I'll be able to keep seeing this number go down.
I start my new job exactly a week from today. I want to weigh 215 lbs. Looking at the scale I think I can make that happen. I just have to be adamant about making sure I don't binge and keep active. Today wasn't a very good start. I grazed all day and this evening at a get together at my boss I almost single handed-ly ate the bean dip and more than a few cookies for appetizers. I still feel full now. I'll have to do better the rest of the week. I'm really rooting for the 0.4 lbs loss.
I think I can! I think I can!
My goal for this summer is to reach 200 lbs by my birthday in August. Going back to the 50 lbs loss mark would be a great way to get myself back on track. I think losing 16 lbs in 2.5 months is definitely do-able.
How am I going to do it? Well for now I think I'm going to reintroduce myself to fruits and vegetables. Because I can't run I've been going on long walks and easy short hikes. I'm going to make a streak to do 10 push ups a day and 100 crunches a day for a month. Also VERY do-able.
We'll start there. I'm not going to make too many elaborate goals yet. We'll start with fruits and vegetables, walks, crunches and push ups. For one month. I think I can do that.
Wish me luck. I've already done my push ups, and walk for the day. I just need 20 more crunches. LOL
We can do this!
love
-w0rld
Sunday, May 27, 2012
I cried when I got to the parking lot...
I've been MIA for almost a month. Why? It partly had to do with me gaining weight again. Not knowing how much weight I had been gaining because my scale ran out of batteries (and it took me two and a half weeks to replace) and end of the year stress.
I had to take a step back and realize what had "gone wrong". I had to really think about why I wasn't happy and what I REALLY wanted to do with my health. At some point in the last 9 months I had lost momentum to keep up my weight loss streak. In those 9 months I have gained 18 lbs. I bite my nails more than ever.
Something was wrong. I had to figure it out. It wasn't easy to focus on it either since it's the end of the season with my job. I had absolutely become obsessed with a certain person and honestly my attention was elsewhere.
To top it off my right foot had continued to give me trouble and my running had stopped gradually partly because of the pain and partly because I just wasn't feeling it. When I FINALLY looked up my symptoms and then went to the doctor to get it checked I found out I have plantar fasciitis.
Now I had already looked up the symptoms and I had no doubt that's what I had. Getting the doctor to say it just confirmed it. Plantar fasciitis seems to be a common injury with runners. I had read online that it would take months if not a year for it to heal and during that time I couldn't run. I was prepared to hear that from the doctor as well when I asked him;
"So I can't run. For how long? How long will it take to heal?"
His answer almost made me burst in to tears, "It's chronic."
CHRONIC. That horrible, hated, doomed, disgusting word that has made my life hell for the last 10+ years.
Chronic. The word that means that no matter what I do to try and better my health I get screwed over for LIFE.
C.H.R.O.N.I.C. The vain of my existence. The reason I have to take pills all the time. The reason I am so self conscious of showing different parts of my body (scars). The reason why I wasn't able to have regular periods. The reason why I started this life changing journey in the first place.
And hearing that news when I'm frustrated because I lost my favorite and best form of exercise (swimming) and had been trying desperately to keep the weight gain at bay when I saw I was yo-yoing back up. The only motivation I still had, the goals I had for this year (to run/walk a marathon by the end of the year) were stripped from me. The foot pain itself wasn't what broke me. It wasn't even the rude doctor. It was what it meant.
I had been working so hard to try to change my life to the healthier but the huge weight plateau I experienced, my career change, my struggles with food and now this injury that took the only type of exercise I could do without having to rely on a gym membership or any special equipment (since I live so far from any place that has a gym); add to it that it's the end of the work season, I'm tired and it was the T.O.M, by the time I said goodbye to the doctor, bought my shoe insoles at the pharmacy, and walked across the parking lot to my car I started crying.
I couldn't deal with it. I broke down in the parking lot. I had other errands to do so each time I had to stop and get out of the car I would pull myself together. Every time I would get back in the car the tears would start again. At some point I had to slow down because I was worried my tears would block my vision enough to make it hazardous to drive.
BUT instead of taking out my frustrations with food I went to REI. I decided to say f*ck it and went on a shopping spree. I bought two new pairs of hiking shoes (with foot support), hiking socks, and pants. I was going to need them for this summer and there was a sale going on. I took my frustrations out on my wallet. Maybe not the best decision but it was healthier than scarfing down a large pizza (which I've done before).
I came back to the top of the hill and the house decided to go out. I decided to go with them to distract myself. I luckily ran in to my favorite person at the moment and just being near him helped calm me a lot.
-------
Now a week has passed and I got a battery for my scale. I checked my weight and saw I weigh 218 lbs again. The weight I had been gaining must have subsided because I have gone down a bit. I talked about my foot pain to others and have been searching different ways of getting exercise in. The doctor suggested swimming (oh the irony!) and bicycling which I don't have access to right now but I'm working on it. I also started practicing different foot stretches and found an easy way to ice my foot. The stretches and icing are working wonderfully and my foot already feels much better.
I always said I wasn't in love with running, but being told by a doctor that I couldn't run just gave me the perspective of how much I had been using running not only as exercise but as a mental escape as well. Now that I can't run I feel a little lost. So I go for walks instead. It's not the greatest thing to do but because I don't have access to much else it's all I can do right now to at least keep myself active. I slow down when I feel my foot act up and I make sure to ice it whenever I come back from a walk or hiking with my students. I'm going to have to deal with this until my foot gets better.
In a way I'm actually a little excited now. Taking running out of the picture I now have to think of creative ways of working out and it's taking me out of my comfort zone. I have to think! I have to really see what I like and what's available for me.
I'm still very upset that my plans are ruined. But this also means I can now make new plans. I'm about to finish my job in the mountain and I'm going on a new adventure this summer. But I'm coming back to the mountain this fall, so I'm making plans of things I can do when I come back.
The point of all this is that yes, I've been struggling. I've been having a rough time. I hadn't been enjoying my weight loss journey and that has hindered my progress. I now have the opportunity to start over, REALLY start over and look at what I can do to continue to my weight loss goals.
I am still grateful for how far I've come so far. Every day I marvel at how easy it is to walk up hill compared to two years ago. I am amazed at what I've accomplished so far. I now LOVE dark chocolate, can't stand much candy, have race medals, and think something 'simple' to do is a 3 mile hike. All of this is completely NOT what I thought I could do just a few years ago.
I'm going to keep going. It's what I have to do. I can't give up. I won't. I'm here. Struggling. But I'm here.
More updates to come.
love
-w0rld
I had to take a step back and realize what had "gone wrong". I had to really think about why I wasn't happy and what I REALLY wanted to do with my health. At some point in the last 9 months I had lost momentum to keep up my weight loss streak. In those 9 months I have gained 18 lbs. I bite my nails more than ever.
Something was wrong. I had to figure it out. It wasn't easy to focus on it either since it's the end of the season with my job. I had absolutely become obsessed with a certain person and honestly my attention was elsewhere.
To top it off my right foot had continued to give me trouble and my running had stopped gradually partly because of the pain and partly because I just wasn't feeling it. When I FINALLY looked up my symptoms and then went to the doctor to get it checked I found out I have plantar fasciitis.
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| A sharp heel pain like walking on broken glass. |
Now I had already looked up the symptoms and I had no doubt that's what I had. Getting the doctor to say it just confirmed it. Plantar fasciitis seems to be a common injury with runners. I had read online that it would take months if not a year for it to heal and during that time I couldn't run. I was prepared to hear that from the doctor as well when I asked him;
"So I can't run. For how long? How long will it take to heal?"
His answer almost made me burst in to tears, "It's chronic."
CHRONIC. That horrible, hated, doomed, disgusting word that has made my life hell for the last 10+ years.
Chronic. The word that means that no matter what I do to try and better my health I get screwed over for LIFE.
C.H.R.O.N.I.C. The vain of my existence. The reason I have to take pills all the time. The reason I am so self conscious of showing different parts of my body (scars). The reason why I wasn't able to have regular periods. The reason why I started this life changing journey in the first place.
And hearing that news when I'm frustrated because I lost my favorite and best form of exercise (swimming) and had been trying desperately to keep the weight gain at bay when I saw I was yo-yoing back up. The only motivation I still had, the goals I had for this year (to run/walk a marathon by the end of the year) were stripped from me. The foot pain itself wasn't what broke me. It wasn't even the rude doctor. It was what it meant.
I had been working so hard to try to change my life to the healthier but the huge weight plateau I experienced, my career change, my struggles with food and now this injury that took the only type of exercise I could do without having to rely on a gym membership or any special equipment (since I live so far from any place that has a gym); add to it that it's the end of the work season, I'm tired and it was the T.O.M, by the time I said goodbye to the doctor, bought my shoe insoles at the pharmacy, and walked across the parking lot to my car I started crying.I couldn't deal with it. I broke down in the parking lot. I had other errands to do so each time I had to stop and get out of the car I would pull myself together. Every time I would get back in the car the tears would start again. At some point I had to slow down because I was worried my tears would block my vision enough to make it hazardous to drive.
BUT instead of taking out my frustrations with food I went to REI. I decided to say f*ck it and went on a shopping spree. I bought two new pairs of hiking shoes (with foot support), hiking socks, and pants. I was going to need them for this summer and there was a sale going on. I took my frustrations out on my wallet. Maybe not the best decision but it was healthier than scarfing down a large pizza (which I've done before).
I came back to the top of the hill and the house decided to go out. I decided to go with them to distract myself. I luckily ran in to my favorite person at the moment and just being near him helped calm me a lot.
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Now a week has passed and I got a battery for my scale. I checked my weight and saw I weigh 218 lbs again. The weight I had been gaining must have subsided because I have gone down a bit. I talked about my foot pain to others and have been searching different ways of getting exercise in. The doctor suggested swimming (oh the irony!) and bicycling which I don't have access to right now but I'm working on it. I also started practicing different foot stretches and found an easy way to ice my foot. The stretches and icing are working wonderfully and my foot already feels much better.
I always said I wasn't in love with running, but being told by a doctor that I couldn't run just gave me the perspective of how much I had been using running not only as exercise but as a mental escape as well. Now that I can't run I feel a little lost. So I go for walks instead. It's not the greatest thing to do but because I don't have access to much else it's all I can do right now to at least keep myself active. I slow down when I feel my foot act up and I make sure to ice it whenever I come back from a walk or hiking with my students. I'm going to have to deal with this until my foot gets better.
In a way I'm actually a little excited now. Taking running out of the picture I now have to think of creative ways of working out and it's taking me out of my comfort zone. I have to think! I have to really see what I like and what's available for me.
I'm still very upset that my plans are ruined. But this also means I can now make new plans. I'm about to finish my job in the mountain and I'm going on a new adventure this summer. But I'm coming back to the mountain this fall, so I'm making plans of things I can do when I come back.
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| Hanging out in the mountain town yesterday. |
I am still grateful for how far I've come so far. Every day I marvel at how easy it is to walk up hill compared to two years ago. I am amazed at what I've accomplished so far. I now LOVE dark chocolate, can't stand much candy, have race medals, and think something 'simple' to do is a 3 mile hike. All of this is completely NOT what I thought I could do just a few years ago.
I'm going to keep going. It's what I have to do. I can't give up. I won't. I'm here. Struggling. But I'm here.
More updates to come.
love
-w0rld
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