I'm hungry

I'm hungry.

I got to weigh myself at the gym on Tuesday and had a happy surprise. However I don't want to get my hopes too high until my next official weigh in on Monday. Still, I've been feeling so up and happy that..... I've eaten a ton.

What is up with that?!

You work your butt off, you diet, you lose weight, you gain some confidence and happiness, then you celebrate by stuffing yourself... That doesn't make any sense!

Yet here I am. Last night I ate double helpings both at breakfast and dinner. My sister made brownies (after I've asked her to stop time and time again, but what are you going to do with a skinny, emotional fast-as-a-gerbil-metabolism girl that can eat all she wants, never gains a pound and her way of 'supporting' me is to scream "Stop Eating!" whenever I'm near the kitchen as she's stuffing herself with chocolate) and of course I ate some. With ice cream. *sigh, shakes head*

I felt stuffed by the end of the night. It was an uncomfortable feeling and I was sad to notice that it was a feeling I would feel daily just a few weeks ago. It surprised me how quickly I can incorporate new habits.... and of course how much more quickly I can ruin those good habits and go back to the bad.

It's time to get back on track. I'm going to be going back to the field in a month and I can't wait! (for those of you that don't know it I've been working in the Mojave Desert for the last three Springs or so, working with wildlife and trapping squirrels. Fun right? Well it is. I love it, miss it, wish I could do it more often, and can't have enough of the scenery I get to see every day while I'm out there.)


This is me in the Mojave last year (2009) with my 'field' look. I need a new hat.

One thing that's keeping me motivated and is helping me keep a moderate level of confidence in myself is my pal P!NK. I love her music. I can relate to so many things she sings about, and although her and I are very different people I like to think that inside we have the same view in life. LOL. Most of the time the songs I like to listen to are fast and fun , something sharp I can scream 'Exactly! This is what I'm talking about!' but lately I'm surprised I'm hooked on a more smooth and slower with a lot of meaning and emotion:



This song is blasting in my car's radio right now.

So my point to it all is that I'm going to move my hunger for food, to hunger for life!

Who's with me!

-w0rld

Weigh In

I'm going to be out for the day tomorrow (Monday) so I decided it would be good to write in my Weigh In a little early so I don't go behind schedule. lol

Current Weight: 250 lbs (this is according to the bathroom scale and not the regular one I look at in the ladies locker room at the gym so once I get a chance to go back I'll check there)

Work Out Achievement(s): Well let's see. I admit right now I missed the gym twice this week. I walked my dogs one of the days but I doubt 30 minutes of strolling around the neighborhood and being dragged by two dogs counts as much as a work out but I'll take the little I was able to get. lol


something like this.. I suppose my arms might be building muscle simply trying to hold back my dog from eating a guy on his bike or something

But besides that I am happy to report that I was able to jog a mile in 15min30seconds on Tuesday. That's my fastest yet. I need to amp up my speed on the treadmill to 5.0mph. Looking at the cadence I was keeping with the guy next to me and seeing that he was doing 5mph I think I could do it too (if for a limited time. lol). I have also gone to the gym near midnight twice simply trying to avoid not going at all. So I haven't given up yet.

Current Goal(s): Right now my main goal is to stick close to my diet. I've been eating a bit of junk food this weekend and it's not good. I've been doing good in my "no juice" plan. If I were religious I'd almost say it looks like I've given it up for lent. lol. I've also been eating more fish so that's made me happy. My goal is to start drinking more water. This week I need to find out exactly how much water I need to drink a day, then find a container that can hold that much water, and of course make sure I finish that container daily. Other than that I need to make sure I make it to the gym. It's not helping that I've discovered Netflix and with it all four seasons of 'Heroes'.


This is a popular cable series about local people who discover powers. It's pretty much a super hero drama. Kind of dark.. and verrrry addicting.

I've literally been watching episode after episode hour after hour day after day straight. I've stayed up over 12 hours one day just watching this series. It's one of my obsessive qualities coming out. Once I finish the series I'll be back to normal. But I HAVE to finish it. I can't stop. I'm almost getting impatient with it now because I'm still half way through the third season and I still have the fourth season to go. .. and no I can't just stop watching them. It's a quirk. I have to finish what I start. It'll pass I promise.

Anyway once I finish this series I will be back to normal and hopefully be able to pay more close attention to my surroundings. My goal is to not forget my work, plans, diet and exercise because of it.

Have a good week everyone. I will keep fighting! I will succeed! Hiro Nakamura's strength and enthusiasm for the role of the 'hero' is with me!


Give me strength and make me smile Hiro! (If you don't know what I'm talking about don't sweat it. Just know this guy freaken rocks and that I love his character. :) )

-w0rld

The Wall

It is sometimes hard for me to look at myself in the mirror, or in old pictures, or current pictures.

The person I see in the mirror is not me. I don't remember the last time I've really looked at myself in the mirror and was able to say "Yes, this is me. That is my face, those are my clothes and that is my smile."

Because in reality the person inside, the person who has been dying to come out for years and years is buried under more than just fat. She's buried under years of denial, years of low self-esteem, fear, ugly old lady clothes (because they're the only ones that fit) and simply years of telling that person inside to shut up and deal. Instead I've spent my efforts building a wall. Oh it is a very nice wall. Strong. High. Completely full of dark things and dark corners.



I've spent the last five years acknowledging this wall. Checking it's resistance and considering demolition. I've been able to chip off certain bits that were toxic, thin it out in a few places and I admit I've peeked over the ledge a few times. LOL.

This step I'm taking, with this blog, and this regime is one of the stronger steps I've taken to challenging this wall. There are many things I still need to do. But I have to start with acknowledgment.

I have a wall. The things I've allowed to go on on my side of it have infested the person I have inside of me. That person has been banging on the wall with bloody fists for a while.

I think it's time I helped. I'm trying to give that person strength (and trying to figure out where I can get a few sticks of dynamite maybe). It's time she came out.

It's time she came out.

-w0rld

Weigh In

Current Weight: 251 lbs (ok so I'm finally back to my original weight (again) so now it's time to keep moving.. keep rolling.. and not let it get ANY higher than this again right? RIGHT!)

Work Out Achievement(s): I didn't really have any good work out achievements until this evening. I was even planning on skipping the gym all together all day. But I decided to go to the book store and ended up spending 2 hours reading a job-hunters guide book


What Color is YOUR Parachute??? It's a flower now by the way.. no more colorful Parachutes.. :(

and well I felt empowered and capable and finally decided that I HAD to go to the gym. I had an urge to jog anyway so why not do it? So I did. I set the treadmill to a 5k (I didn't even know how long a 5k was so I wanted to see) and I put up a nice incline and I started.

I stupidly deleted all the music from my cheap-o mp3 player trying to add in the C-2-5k podcast music mix and the file didn't even load. So I decided to simply plug my headphones to CSI or whatever Crime series was on in the TV's, closed my eyes, and started working. After a bit I realized that the guy next to me and I were going at the same speed or something because our feet had the same cadence. I used that cadence to push myself and jog continuously. I was finally able to finish a mile in under 16 minutes. Which is a big deal for me.

That little victory kept me going to finish the 5k. I finished it in 50 minutes. I now have a record to break. I'm pretty excited about it. I wouldn't have done it if I had listened to my earlier whines about how "I don't wanna.. I'm not even losing weight and after all the candy I ate on Sunday who gives a shit.." so I'm glad that annoying voice got out voted because now I feel pumped (and tired as well. lol)

Current Goal(s): Well I'm continuing my goals to stay away from juices and fruit drinks and stick with milk, water and tea ( I would say black coffee but I don't drink coffee so it's not considered). So far it's going fine. I have been able to only catch the Zumba class in the mornings, since I'm starting to go to the gym at night now and Zumba is the main one I like (gotta love dancing). I haven't been swimming in two weeks either and I found my goggles (squee~) so I'm definitely going to be hitting the pool this week. Other than that I now have a record to break on the 5k so let's keep moving!

I hope this long weekend was good for everyone. I couldn't wait for it to end and I'm glad it did because now I feel great.

Let's do it!

-w0rld

I found my measuring tape

Yesterday morning I accidentally found my measuring tape. I had thought I lost it and was pretty bummed out about it. But once I found it I instantly measured myself... and my face fell slightly.

I'm at the same measurements I was the last time I measured myself. (I don't remember when I measured myself last but it must have been last fall some time). But I quickly disregarded that and focused on how happy I was that I found my measuring tape.


Now I have something else to keep track of right? I was slightly surprised to find that my calves are now 1 inch bigger than they were in my last year at Mills. "So that's what all the power walking, jogging and ellipt-ing has gone to. Figures."

One thing that I found absolutely amazing however is the real difference proper posture and standing-up-straight can do to measurements. I'm a sloucher. Always have been. My posture has been horrible for years. Recently I've been trying to pay attention to my posture and trying to keep that reminder to fix it every time I'm in public (and even when I'm not). You can sometimes hear me muttering to myself going 'keep your back straight, keep your back straight' if you strain your ears enough while you're next to me. LOL

So I decided to compare measurements when I'm in my natural slouched state and standing up straight (this doesn't mean 'sucking the gut in' it just means un-curbing my back.... and yes this is what I do with my free time).
Hip Measurement:
Before(slouch): 53"
After (straight):52"

Waist Measurement:
Before: 48"
After: 45"

Chest/Bust Measurement:
Before: 51"
After: 51"

I was truly amazed at the difference. I also recently found out I'm actually 5'6" when I stand straight and 5'5.5" when I naturally slouch.. I had no freaken idea! *feels tall*

Truly amazing.. The power of good posture. Not to mention less back pain.

No more of this for me!

Score!

The power of measuring tape~

have a great weekend!
-w0rld

Weigh In

Current Weight: 253lbs (I'm keeping my hopes up. This is a nice start)

Work Out Achievement(s): Let's see I've been keeping up with going to the gym daily. I was able to walk my dogs three times last week. Which is a huge achievement since those poor dogs usually get walked once in a blue moon AND it's been raining last week too. Funny enough one of the days we walked we actually had to jog and literally run to keep ahead of the rain. I think my girl Lucky was actually having fun running back and forth. Poor dogs need exercise. I've been wearing my fancy pedometer daily and it's been fun seeing the average number of steps. I get amused easily. LOL

Current Goal(s): I've finally started a strict(ish) diet. It's keeping me at a 1200-1500 calorie diet. It also forces me to eat 6 times a day. It's pretty much Breakfast-Snack-Lunch-Snack-Dinner-Snack.. I get to eat all day! LOL. It also helps me pay attention to cooking rather than eating. My goal is to keep up with it for the rest of the month. Hopefully by then it'll become more of a habit and my body will become adjusted to it. I've also decided to give up fruit juice

After I gave up soda in 2004 I started going nuts over fruit juice just like this one. However there's so much sugar in these things it really isn't that much of a better choice.

I've decided to use Crystal Light in my water (rarely) and also drink tea. We're talking Herbal and tea bag tea not sweetened tea's you could find at a Fast Food drink fountain.

mmmm green tea...
I'm sure I can smoothly transition myself from juice to teas. I love tea already. :)

There aren't any more big changes. Just keeping it going. Keeping it positive!

Have a great week everyone!
<3 -w0rld

February means: New Beginnings

So ever since I finally fessed up to my mom about my plans not much has changed. And yet many things have. Let me explain:

I told my mom and it didn't seem to change anything. She went on living her life and I mine. The only differences now are that I'm less worried about explaining where I'm going in the morning and I don't feel weird popping in a Zumba work-out video in the living room (which I did last week. LOL). However the timing in which I did it has set up something new.

It's February. I can't freaken' believe it. I checked my weight for the start of the month and I had gained weight again. This Friday (yesterday) was the day I had to re-check my BMI with the training manager at the gym. I was a little worried and a little excited. I got there early on purpose so I could work out while I waited for him to finish his training with another girl.

I kept track of him. The girl was a big girl but she was very pretty and very flirty.. I wasn't ashamed to say I was having fun seeing her flirt with him and seeing him being not-too-unresponsive. When my appointment time came up I had lost him, and I found him preaching to the other girl what he did to me: trying to convince her to buy the gym's multi-vitamins and powder shakes.

I waited. When he finally came over he didn't seem as friendly to me as last time. I brushed it off and we went to his desk. He told me to run over to the women's locker room to weigh myself while he found my paperwork because I needed to know my weight to do the hand held test.

(I have no idea how these things work simply by holding them in front of you. If someone knows please tell me because I am at a loss)

He couldn't find my paperwork after I came back and asked me if I remembered what my BMI was before. I told him I wasn't sure but somewhere in the 40's. He started at that and instantly said 'That's bad.' I was a little upset over this and in my mind I was replying "Well, no shit Sherlock. I know I'm fat and obese. Why the hell do you think I'm here?" but I was nice and simply said "I know."

I told him my weight and he asked if I had lost anything. I said no. I had gained 3 lbs since the last time I saw him. He gave me this look and asked me how my diet was going. I admitted it hadn't changed drastically. He told me that diet is 70% of it and that I needed to work on that. Again the little devil in my shoulder was saying sarcastically "Well hey now! I never knew that~!" but I knew he was right so I didn't say anything.

After the machine posted my BMI he looked at it and shook his head. We sat down and said "This number isn't good. *pause* Go on a diet."
"That simple huh?"
"Well yeah. Like I said it's 70% of the game and if you're working out you shouldn't be gaining weight."

All these things made sense to me but I was still a little ticked off at the attitude he was giving me. He seemed in a hurry to get rid of me so to be stubborn and moody I stayed in his seat for a second or two afterwards and then asked him to write down the number so I could remember it for next time.

As I walked away I tried to calm down and stop being upset. It wasn't his fault I had gained weight and making a fuss (inwards or otherwise) wasn't going to change the fact that I haven't had results yet. The fact that I didn't know my previous BMI results didn't help either since I was secretly hoping that at least THAT number would change and be lower.

After some time passed, and I didn't feel like punching something, I looked up my old BMI % on one of my old blog posts. I was thrilled to see that infact it HAD gone down from last time. That gave me momentum.

I promised myself that this month would be better. Harder but better. I am no longer a newbie and it's time to take new steps on this journey of mine. I know I can 'work out' now. I know how many calories I normally eat a day (thanks to Spark People) and I knew that although I hadn't lost weight the work I've put has shown results (even if they're very small).

So what did I do? I made new gadgets on the side of this blog that tracks my monthly weight and my BMI (which I will check every 4 weeks with Mr. Big Shot lol)------------------------------------>>>>

I am starting a stricter diet.

I have been wearing my new fancy schmancy pedometer every day and I have jotting down my steps and calories from it.

I have joined a SP group called the "C-2-5k: Running for Beginners!" which is a community for people who will go through this regimen of going from the 'couch' to running a 5k in 9 weeks.

The awesome thing about this is that I found this fantastic website called Podrunner where you can download a music mix that is made specifically for people who want to run. You simply follow the pace of the music and it speeds up and downgrades on it's own. It's completely amazing! All you have to d0 is download their podcast and download the mix into your mp-3 player and boom! You got it made.


~~Let's Do It!! ~~

I was so excited you have no idea. I downloaded the podcast last night and hope to be able to use my new music soon. I just hope my cheap-o mp-3 player will upload the mix. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

So in the end what goes down must come up and I'm ready for my incline!

I want to thank you again for reading this. Your comments and simply knowing you've kept up with me this far has helped me sooo much. You seriously have no idea.

Thank you and wish me luck friends!
-w0rld

Doing the Drastic

I finally told my mom what I have been doing and what I'm planning on doing to shed my weight and get healthier.

I picked a good time I think. I had accompanied her to her doctors appt because she was nervous about her results. She had gained weight recently and was worried about it (since she has a lot of diff. health problems too that can get worse with more weight gain).
After she spoke to her doctor we started talking about the different things we've done. The diets we've been in together. The lack of exercise and the lack of motivation to do it all. The frustrations she was having in gaining weight after she had kept it lower and balanced for almost three years after her gastric by-pass surgery. (Yup, she went that far and she still gained a whole bunch of weight back)

I saw all the extra medication her doctor prescribed her to keep her diff. levels balanced (when it could all be avoided by portion control and exercise.. it scared me to see all the different vials the pharmacists kept handing her.. not to mention all the ones she had at home waiting for her). I mentioned to her the 10,000 steps program (where you can wear a pedometer and track down the steps you take a day and slowly try to move up to 10,000 steps=5 miles a day). She liked the idea and ended up buying herself (and me hehehe) a fancy pedometer that not only tracks down your steps, but the distance, AND the calories it adds up to.


~fancy~

After we left the clinic, went to IHOP and ate from the healthy menu and headed to the Swap Meet (to look for stuff my mom needed and try out the pedometers) we continued to talk about every thing and I finally decided this was the best chance I was ever going to get.

I inhaled deeply and told her "This is a good time to tell you my little secret." and I did. I told her I had joined a gym and had been going since December. How the nutrition classes have been specifically to learn more about how to help myself and how I'm planning on changing my diet habits to help myself out.

Before she asked I told her about why I had kept it a secret. How I didn't want to say anything because then I would give up if someone told me anything about it if I waned away from it at some point. etc.. She nodded and finished my last sentence for me.

She kept quiet after I had revealed myself but not in a bad way. More like a pensive way. I'm sure she understands what I'm doing. I decided to stop there and change the subject. I didn't want to make it seem like a big deal because it's not supposed to be. It's supposed to be a BIG change but not an UNNATURAL or odd one. I wanted to keep it that way.

In the end I'm happy I told her. I don't feel to different or bad than I felt before. But I haven't told the rest of my family. I expect my mother will eventually say something to the rest. I'll just wait until she slips.

She seems happy with the pedometer. Even today (a day later) she came up to me to ask me what the average number of steps people take before they start striving for 10,000. I was happy to see that she had put on her pedometer for the day. It makes me happy.

I love my mother you guys. She's my hero.

My hero and me on New Years Day '10... oh yeah we definitely partied hard that previous night.

I'm glad I was finally able to fess up; here and to the most important woman in my life.

Time for change is now!

I love you all.

-w0rld <3

Time to Fess Up

I've been feeling a little guilty.

I haven't been paying enough attention to this blog, or more I've been postponing updating this blog on time mainly because I haven't been doing my best on my goal to wellness..

So in order to stop this downward spiral I came up with the conclusion that I have to fess up.

I haven't been dieting.

My sister keeps making brownies and I keep eating them.

I have skipped jotting down my food intake in SP for the last couple of days.

I stopped writing in my food journal.

Twice in the last couple of weeks I skipped the gym (though I made up for it once by doing the Zumba vid and the other by going to the gym on Saturday, which is the day I usually skip)

Twice I weighed myself and the result was near the 255's and up.. I decided to wait another day to see if my weight fluxuated down. When it did (thankfully) I used the lowest weight in my weigh in rather than the one I took on Monday.

I didn't get to go to any classes this week because I either didn't wake up or had to go to the court, mom's doctors appt, cousins oral surgery seminar (where my aunt asked me to be her translator) and etc...

All these things I'm not proud of.. I started worrying that if I continued to go down this road.. and lie about it, or avoid the issue things would become worse. I would give up. I would waste my membership by not going. I would binge eat and gain another 20 lbs.

Simply thinking about the people I promised and the things I had completed so far I felt guilty. This cycle was very familiar and I hated thinking that I was going to give up all over again and that this time was going to simply join the list of every other time I started something and gave up halfway.

I realized that I was mad at myself for not losing any weight (and actually gaining weight instead). Little by little I'm realizing how hard this is going to be and exactly how much comfort I'm going to have to leave behind in order to get where I need to be. Which is 70-100 lbs lighter, with a smile on my face and hiking a trail on Mt. Diablo. LOL

So I'm fessing up. And I've also decided to do something drastic (for me) to encourage me to keep going.

What is this drastic thing that seems so dramatic???

I told my mom.

Weigh In

Disclamer: I'm currently tired and drowsy. So this Weigh In is probably not going to be very long.

This past week has been interesting. In some ways it feels like it went by slowly and I didn't get to progress a lot on my 'to do' list.. weight control related or not.. On the other hand it feels like this last week has happened quickly and I was able to experience something completely new. So I guess I don't regret it completely. lol.. but enough ambiguities. Let's get this week's weigh in started!

Current Weight: 252 lbs (again I'm still simply maintaining my weight right now. It's frustrating but it's not the end of the world)

Work Out Achievement(s):I admit that since my mind was mainly occupied with having to deal with jury duty and the case I was assigned (and trying not to get too cross over having to cancel my work hours for the entire week) I wasn't in the greatest mood or energy to drag my ass to the gym last week. One day I even missed out all together. But I felt guilty.. so when I found my mom in her room, her king sized bed covered with old work out dance videos and cd's I was thrilled to find a Zumba DVD in the collection.

I begged her to put it on and right there in the middle of all the chaos (and my mom) I worked out to Zumba! My mom joined in for a couple of seconds and then just patiently tolerated me dancing around her room while she put her collection away. LOL


I'm pretty sure this is the cd or brand my mom has. She doesn't have the box set just a two disc convo.. but it's the same thing. The instructions are in Spanish and English so in case I missed an instruction it's repeated in a diff. language so it's win win!

Other than that I've been working a bit more on weights and crunches. I've also recently started using my pedometer and tracking my steps. I was able to do 12,000 steps the first day and oh my god did I feel it after wards. My dogs didn't thank me for the walk either. My poor dalmation protested going any further and planted her ass to the pavement after the first 1.5 miles.


My darling girl is getting on in years and takes no shit from anyone. I love her to pieces.

It's a new month so I'm hoping to continue on these things.

Current Goal(s): Well like I just mentioned, it's a new month. A new try for my goal. I'm not happy I didn't get many results in January but I'm past feeling sorry for myself (at the moment). I know what I was doing wrong and I don't have an excuse for it then or now. So I'm going to try to work harder and stricter on my food intake. I'm using Spark People to tally my calorie intake. It's a lot simpler than I thought it would be so I'm hopeful I'll keep it up.

I'm now about to drop in sleep. (I think those 100 crunches a day are catching up to me) So until I'm awake!

<3 -w0rld