Today I Wished I Were Heavier

So I work as a Teacher Naturalist at an outdoor school, which means that kids from nearby school districts come up for a few days a week and we teach them different outdoor classes. Things from Geology to Canoeing etc.

Today my schedule was belaying; which means the kids are going rock climbing and I'm in charge of the safety rope that keeps them up there as they climb.

One of the students I had was this gorgeous 12 year old girl that was as tall as me and probably as big as me if not a little more.

I always ask each student what they're goal is, "How far up this rock do you want to go?" and usually I add "Have you rock climbed before." This girl was confident. She had rock climbed before using climbing walls at a theme park.

I was excited to have her climb since bigger kids generally have a harder time climbing period. She tried, and she tried and she tried. She got a little more than a foot off the ground but she wasn't able to continue.

So I would be the one with the white shirt, the kids the climber. 

Every time she would slip she pulled me toward the wall with her. It's very rare for this to happen since I'm a bigger person, and kids are usually smaller than me, even if a kid were to let go of the wall completely they would usually just hang there.

This time I couldn't keep my ground. Anytime she would let go off the wall I almost got lifted off the ground. The whole time I kept thinking

 "If only I were heavier than her."
"If only I were heavy like an anchor."
 "If only my arms were stronger I can help pull her up."

Usually small scrawny kids can easily climb up the rock and we can pull them up to help if we needed to. This time I couldn't. And it killed me. This was a girl that was only a little girl in a big body. I could tell she was self conscious and it just isn't fair to have those problems. She wasn't even fat. She was just tall and curvy. She's the type of girl that develops early. I should know, I was one of them. Lol.

Later after class, I walked everyone back and I thought about how the whole time I was with this girl I had actually wished I were HEAVIER. I never thought I would actually wish for something like that.

Sigh. I hope that this experience didn't hinder this girls spirit. I made sure to encourage her and to talk to her after she stopped climbing explaining how getting up the wall wasn't the point, it was the effort she put and how hard she tried. She seemed unfazed. I only hope that strong face was genuine.

Does this mean I'm planning on gaining weight? NO. But it does reiterate the point that I need to get stronger.

I hate how weak I can be.

I'm sorry little girl. I'm sorry I couldn't help you. I'm sorry I couldn't be your anchor. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough.

...

-w0rld