Weigh In/ I Think I Found My Theme Song

Happy Labor Day to my American friends. It's an interesting concept don't you think to celebrate hard work when most of our holidays are about play or taking a break from the norm. I really like it and I think it's completely relevant for a weight loss blog. Losing weight (and keeping it off) is hard work. Physically as well as emotionally. And hard work pays off just like today's weigh in shows.

Current Weight: 214.8 lbs (-0.4 lbs)

Now this may not seem like much but after a long week of cafeteria food and TWO days of triple cheese extra buttered grilled cheese sandwiches the fact that I lost any weight is great. Also I promised myself that I would get to 214 lbs by the beginning of September and I made it, barely, but I made it!

I jogged twice last week. Once on Monday and once on Friday. Between those times I managed to do my pilates video once (Cardio Pilates). I'm still doing crunches every night but I admit I haven't kept up with push ups. Time to start that up again.

Not a great pic but I could see the PCT over in the far mountain.

My big exercise was doing my first hike since coming back to the mountain. I went up a trail I've only done once before. I was with friends who knew where they were going lastt time so I felt a little lost for most of it since I was doing it alone this time. But the view was beautiful, the day was perfect, the trail was clear and the landmarks were visible.

I ended up taking a different route than last time. I ended up carefully climbing over a low-yet-locked-fence and ended up in a neighborhood. That road took me at least an hour to go through until I reached the highway. Then I walked back to our street and made it back home. It was a lot of fun believe it or not. LOL
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Despite exercise my main focus last week had to do more with looking inside of myself and trying to find self acceptance. It's really contradictory when you're trying to change who you are by becoming healthier and happier, but in order to get there you have to accept who you are now, love yourself for who you are already, and learn to love what you see in the mirror. It's like an oxymoron but it's necessary.

I realized that although I've gotten over a few things in my life I still have a lot of insecurities, a lot of self loathing and it really started affecting my relationships with others.

Specifically I was having a hard time with my body and sex. The constant fear I have due to self consciousness, the vulnerability of (literally) unveiling myself to a partner, and learning to let go of my well practiced control can be overwhelming. Just the thought having to undress in front of someone you desire, needing to keep confident through out it all, not to mention the logistics;figuring out placement of body parts, constantly worrying you're going to hurt them and/or yourself, annoying jiggling.. I mean I can go on.

And yes I've heard enough about the key being confidence, that guys are (or at least should be dammit) just happy to have a girl in their rooms, that it's all about how you feel not what you look like yada yada yada. It's so much easier said than done. And to tell you the truth most of those speeches were given to me by (what I figured to be) happy married people, gorgeous thinner women, and my adored and adorable male gay friends. In other words I didn't feel comfortable accepting any sort of advise from someone who didn't actually understand my position seeing as they'd never been in my place (in my opinion). I needed to hear it from a FAT, Sexed out, and HAPPY woman. And that's exactly what I went in search for.

I found it. 

I found this book:

Big Big Love: A Sex and Relationship Guide for People of Size (and those Who Love Them) by Hanne Blank.

This book was pretty amazing, mainly because it's tone was that of complete acceptance and had a big over all message that said "You're FAT and you deserve to have amazing sex. Now here's how to do it."

A lot of the things they talked about hit home and I was kind of surprised that many things had to do with  problems for people BIGGER than me. It's rare when I'm actually not big enough to relate to something. It was kind of an eye opener.

Over all it had a lot of messages about acceptance. Now this doesn't mean that I'm going to thow in the towel and say "Well this book is telling me that I'm fine being fat so forget this blog I'm going to go eat cake." It's telling me that I don't have to HATE myself for being fat. That going on this weight loss journey isn't about getting rid of things that I hate but gaining the tools to make my life healthier, better, longer and that I should ENJOY the journey instead of huffing and puffing waiting for the day when I reach my destination.

I've read enough blogs and other people's comments about how they thought that losing weight was going to solve all their problems yet it didn't. I admit I've been hoping for the same thing. I understand now that it's not going to happen so when I finally do reach that destination; that BMI that no longer says OBESE, I will meet it with improved confidence and self worth.

This is what I mean when I say I'm not going to give up and that I'm sticking to my journey. Sometimes I will break down and eat cake. But as long as I get back to it and have a smile on my face when I look in the mirror, I think I'll be ok.

In my search for more websites and books that can help me with my confidence issues I re-found this song I heard on the Wii. I decided that it will be new theme song for now. I leave you with it now.

Happy Monday!

love
-w0rld



Lyrics


Big girl, you are beautiful

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, "Hey girls, you are beautiful"

Diet Coke and a pizza please
Diet Coke, I'm on my knees
Screaming, "Big girl, you are beautiful"

You take your skinny girl
I feel like I'm gonna die
'Cause a real woman
Needs a real man, here's why

You take your girl
And multiply her by four
Now a whole lot of woman
Needs a whole lot more

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, "Hey girls, you are beautiful"

Diet Coke and a pizza please
Diet Coke, I'm on my knees
Screaming, "Big girl, you are beautiful"

You take your girl
And multiply her by four
Now a whole lot of woman
Needs a whole lot more

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Oh, you are beautiful

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Oh, you are beautiful

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girl, you are beautiful
Big girl, you are beautiful
Big girl, you are beautiful
Big girl, you are beautiful
Big girl, you are beautiful


Big girl, you are beautifulBig girl, you are beautifulBig girl, you are beautiful
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