The word of the day: CONSISTENCY

This entire month has been bipolar between going out and running or hiking to being completely lazy and eating bread like it's water. I'm doing healthy things but the problem is CONSISTENCY. I have no consistency.

I need to work on that because when I become inconsistent then weight gain always wins. It doesn't matter that I've been active or watching what I'm eating. If I'm not doing and watching myself regularly I WILL gain weight.

Proof:

Current Weight: 218.0 lbs

I gained 3 lbs in 8 days. Sigh. Time to get rid of those pounds and work on it regularly and in a timely manner.

Now to get off the internet and actually do what I'm saying I should be doing.

-w0rld

Weigh In/ I Think I Found My Theme Song

Happy Labor Day to my American friends. It's an interesting concept don't you think to celebrate hard work when most of our holidays are about play or taking a break from the norm. I really like it and I think it's completely relevant for a weight loss blog. Losing weight (and keeping it off) is hard work. Physically as well as emotionally. And hard work pays off just like today's weigh in shows.

Current Weight: 214.8 lbs (-0.4 lbs)

Now this may not seem like much but after a long week of cafeteria food and TWO days of triple cheese extra buttered grilled cheese sandwiches the fact that I lost any weight is great. Also I promised myself that I would get to 214 lbs by the beginning of September and I made it, barely, but I made it!

I jogged twice last week. Once on Monday and once on Friday. Between those times I managed to do my pilates video once (Cardio Pilates). I'm still doing crunches every night but I admit I haven't kept up with push ups. Time to start that up again.

Not a great pic but I could see the PCT over in the far mountain.

My big exercise was doing my first hike since coming back to the mountain. I went up a trail I've only done once before. I was with friends who knew where they were going lastt time so I felt a little lost for most of it since I was doing it alone this time. But the view was beautiful, the day was perfect, the trail was clear and the landmarks were visible.

I ended up taking a different route than last time. I ended up carefully climbing over a low-yet-locked-fence and ended up in a neighborhood. That road took me at least an hour to go through until I reached the highway. Then I walked back to our street and made it back home. It was a lot of fun believe it or not. LOL
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Despite exercise my main focus last week had to do more with looking inside of myself and trying to find self acceptance. It's really contradictory when you're trying to change who you are by becoming healthier and happier, but in order to get there you have to accept who you are now, love yourself for who you are already, and learn to love what you see in the mirror. It's like an oxymoron but it's necessary.

I realized that although I've gotten over a few things in my life I still have a lot of insecurities, a lot of self loathing and it really started affecting my relationships with others.

Specifically I was having a hard time with my body and sex. The constant fear I have due to self consciousness, the vulnerability of (literally) unveiling myself to a partner, and learning to let go of my well practiced control can be overwhelming. Just the thought having to undress in front of someone you desire, needing to keep confident through out it all, not to mention the logistics;figuring out placement of body parts, constantly worrying you're going to hurt them and/or yourself, annoying jiggling.. I mean I can go on.

And yes I've heard enough about the key being confidence, that guys are (or at least should be dammit) just happy to have a girl in their rooms, that it's all about how you feel not what you look like yada yada yada. It's so much easier said than done. And to tell you the truth most of those speeches were given to me by (what I figured to be) happy married people, gorgeous thinner women, and my adored and adorable male gay friends. In other words I didn't feel comfortable accepting any sort of advise from someone who didn't actually understand my position seeing as they'd never been in my place (in my opinion). I needed to hear it from a FAT, Sexed out, and HAPPY woman. And that's exactly what I went in search for.

I found it. 

I found this book:

Big Big Love: A Sex and Relationship Guide for People of Size (and those Who Love Them) by Hanne Blank.

This book was pretty amazing, mainly because it's tone was that of complete acceptance and had a big over all message that said "You're FAT and you deserve to have amazing sex. Now here's how to do it."

A lot of the things they talked about hit home and I was kind of surprised that many things had to do with  problems for people BIGGER than me. It's rare when I'm actually not big enough to relate to something. It was kind of an eye opener.

Over all it had a lot of messages about acceptance. Now this doesn't mean that I'm going to thow in the towel and say "Well this book is telling me that I'm fine being fat so forget this blog I'm going to go eat cake." It's telling me that I don't have to HATE myself for being fat. That going on this weight loss journey isn't about getting rid of things that I hate but gaining the tools to make my life healthier, better, longer and that I should ENJOY the journey instead of huffing and puffing waiting for the day when I reach my destination.

I've read enough blogs and other people's comments about how they thought that losing weight was going to solve all their problems yet it didn't. I admit I've been hoping for the same thing. I understand now that it's not going to happen so when I finally do reach that destination; that BMI that no longer says OBESE, I will meet it with improved confidence and self worth.

This is what I mean when I say I'm not going to give up and that I'm sticking to my journey. Sometimes I will break down and eat cake. But as long as I get back to it and have a smile on my face when I look in the mirror, I think I'll be ok.

In my search for more websites and books that can help me with my confidence issues I re-found this song I heard on the Wii. I decided that it will be new theme song for now. I leave you with it now.

Happy Monday!

love
-w0rld



Lyrics


Big girl, you are beautiful

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, "Hey girls, you are beautiful"

Diet Coke and a pizza please
Diet Coke, I'm on my knees
Screaming, "Big girl, you are beautiful"

You take your skinny girl
I feel like I'm gonna die
'Cause a real woman
Needs a real man, here's why

You take your girl
And multiply her by four
Now a whole lot of woman
Needs a whole lot more

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, "Hey girls, you are beautiful"

Diet Coke and a pizza please
Diet Coke, I'm on my knees
Screaming, "Big girl, you are beautiful"

You take your girl
And multiply her by four
Now a whole lot of woman
Needs a whole lot more

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Oh, you are beautiful

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Oh, you are beautiful

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girl, you are beautiful
Big girl, you are beautiful
Big girl, you are beautiful
Big girl, you are beautiful
Big girl, you are beautiful


Big girl, you are beautifulBig girl, you are beautifulBig girl, you are beautiful
Copied from MetroLyrics.com 

Back on the Mountain!

So last year I started working as an Outdoor Educator for a Science Camp located on a mountain in Southern California. It was probably one of the longest jobs I've ever held. Not because I can't keep a job but because most of my jobs prior were seasonal and therefore only lasted a few months. Seeing as I was used to moving around multiple times a year I was originally unsure whether I was interested in returning to the mountain for another year. I simply wasn't used to it. But at the end I decided to stay.

Now I'm back on the mountain. Training started this week and that also meant that I had to start regaining a system for working out and seeing what was available to me. No gyms, no classes, no treadmills or elliptical machines. Instead I have mountain trails, roads, my room, my laptop and whatever equipment I have on hand.

I know I was complaining a bit about how tired I am of living in the middle of nowhere and how I would kill for the chance to have access to dance classes or a pool. That hasn't changed but at the same time I can't deny the beauty I have available to me. I can't take it for granted. I look around me every day and see the gorgeous landscape surrounding me, the peacefulness of my neighborhood, the active people living with me and I can't help but be excited and willing to go outside and regain my health by breathing in clean air and making my body work naturally.

Running again!

So now that I'm back I have been able to weigh myself, measure myself and even tried going out for a couple of jogs.

Here are the results thus far:

Current Weight: 215.2 lbs

Measurements
Hips: 47.5 inches
Waist: 43 inches
Thigh: 26 inches
Calf: 16 inches
Arm: 14.75 inches

Looking at these numbers I can see that I've managed to maintain my measurements for the year, losing a little on my hips (yay!) and I also managed to lose a few pounds this summer. Nothing major but enough to give me some motivation and keep me optimistic.

Remember this? Yeah, ouch ouch ouch!

As for running; since I haven't run since mid May due to my plantar fasciitis I was nervous about starting up again. I went to a doctor for the second time and she assured me that as long as I continued to do exercises to strengthen my plantar fascia and support my foot with good shoes and insoles I could continue running. With that hope, I tried running on Wednesday and again today. My foot hurt slightly while running and I got a small twinge of pain once as I took my running shoes off today but other than that it's been doing fine.

I was pleasantly surprised with my timing. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Running times
Wednesday: 1 mile in 12min 58 sec
Friday: 1 mile in 13min 09 sec

My right outer thigh is a little sore but other than that I'm doing great. The goal is to try jogging a 5k by November if not a little earlier. I plan to take it easy and go slowly. I'm also planning on going hiking this weekend. It's going to KICK. MY. ASS. I can't wait. LOL

I have had the tendency of trying a lot of different things and hope they'll work. This fall I'm going to take it easy. I'm going to eat what I like. I'm going to keep active the way I want. The point is to not over eat, keep the food healthy and stay active, stay active, stay active.

If I try to quantify everything and expect it to qualify my actions I'm going to get burnt out and stop or "fall off the wagon". If I keep it simple and just make sure I work at doing smart, healthy choices every day I'll be fine. I don't want to stress myself out if I don't get to run 3 miles in under 20 minutes by mid September.

Yes I'll continue to have clear, precise goals. Yes I'll continue to stay away from processed foods and etc but I'm not going to guilt trip myself if I eat cake, or if I didn't count calories, or if I decided to stretch and do yoga one day rather than hike 10 miles like I had originally planned.

All will be well. I need to relax and learn to be happy with who I am and not wait until "I lose 10 lbs" or "until I look good in this dress."

Fuck it I'm going to live! and live well!

My goal for the end of the year is to reach 200 lbs by New Years. That's 15 lbs in 4 months. My god that should be do-able! And I'll do it!!

love

-w0rld

My Birthday Gift to Myself.

My 26th birthday was this Friday. (26!! I can't believe it.) Although I spent the day helping my grandmother move to her own apartment (ever!), dealing with mis-communication with the building manager AND moving things in the heat, I managed to stay in a great and complacent mood all day.

Was moving my grandmother and running errands my favorite way of spending my birthday? No. But I woke up that morning feeling.. ok. I didn't feel "fat" or tired. I was first woken up by my mother who burst in to the room, sang happy birthday very loudly, dropped a gift on my head, gave me a kiss and attempted to sock me 26 times before giving up after 8 and then ran out the door to go to work. After that I got up and reached for the scale.

My goal was to reach 215 lbs by my birthday. I had been going from 216 to 218 and back again all month so I wondered if I had reached that treshold and crossed it. I stripped and stepped on the scale three times. Each time it told me 214.0, 214.0, 214.0 lbs!

I had made it! I had reached LESS than my goal weight!

 I weighed myself the morning of my birthday and I saw the number I had hoped for. I guess the end of my period, and my considerably shrunken calorie intake due to getting 3 of my wisdom teeth removed a few days earlier (not to mention the sessions on the Wii Fit. LOL) had been enough to move the scale the few pounds I needed.

That was enough (oh and happy birthday wishes on facebook and some nice phone calls) to keep me in a great mood. That day I ate leftover cake for breakfast (my grandmother's birthday is one day before mine so it was her leftovers), had a salad with sliced ham pieces for lunch and steak for dinner/ no sides.

Letting our masterpieces dry.

I didn't get a chance to really celebrate my birthday how I wanted that day but today I got my family to humor me and try out making tie dye t-shirts. In the early evening we all went to a little photo studio and took a new family portrait/picture. We've all changed so much physically and so much has happened (umm can we say baby NEPHEW?!). I was excited to have proof that I have changed as well. Hopefully when the prints come out they'll not only show the decrease in puffy cheeks and double chin but will also show that my smile is more genuine now. The reason behind it being that in reality, although after almost three years of starting my weight loss journey and NOT reaching goal weight, the journey has really taught me so much about myself. I've been able to grow as a person and my confidence has bloomed so much since the first day I started this blog. I've been to many places, met many people, reached amazing goals as well as unexpected set backs.

I'm ready to see what's next. 

I'm in my mid-twenties now. I keep hearing people reassuring me that I'm still very young, "Just a baby!" But I don't feel that way. By this age my mother had already gotten married, had both my older brother and I and was expecting her third kid. She had her own little apartment with us and had started her life goal of having a family as well as working as an accountant for a factory. Although getting hitched and having kids has never been a goal in my life (yet) I would have thought that by now I would have had a more stable life.

I'm working on that frustration right now and hoping that by the time I'm 30 I'll have a better grasp of my life and my goals and would be well on my way to reaching them. I think I'm making good progress over all don't you?

I can't wait to see what this new year has in store for me. 25 was an interesting year. It wasn't the easiest but I think I seriously grew. I got to cross out A LOT of my bucket list just this summer! I have started a new career! I've even grown in my personal relationships. All these things are fantastic accomplishments. Time to keep going!

I'm hoping that this year I'll be able to rekindle my love of the arts. I want to challenge my mind as well as my body. Let's see how this goes!

love
-w0rld

Victory on the Wii Fit!

So every once in a while, especially when my two year old nephew is around, my family turns on the Wii and turns on the Wii Fit. Even though I am completely against video games (In my opinion they are one of the main causes of teenage obesity in the U.S) I have to admit that the Wii Fit is pretty fun.

If you don't know what Wii Fit is it's a video game program where you step on to a platform and use remote controls to make a simulation of you do different poses, and run different activities and games, while at the same time it tracks your weight, your estimated calories burnt and even gives health tips. You can make simulations of your entire households and can compete for who does different activities best etc.

At the start of every check in it asks you to do a "Body Test" where it measures your posture, it weighs you and asks you to do certain activities that test your balance, your posture, your eye-body coordination etc. It then also gives you your BMI, and it estimates your "Wii Age" which is how old your body actually seems depending on your age, and how well you pass the little tests they give you.

According the game tonight I currently weigh 216 lbs, my BMI is 34.72, my "wii age" is 29 (mainly because I messed up in one of the activities it had for me) and it reminded me that I need to lose 4 lbs to get to my current goal, which was to get to 210 lbs.

It's a pretty fun thing to have and one of the main games that I have been literally sweating my bum off to beat is the obstacle course. The obstacle course is just that; a series of obstacle courses you have to run, jump, maneuver and race to get your little sim to get to the other side. It's timed and as you pass each level you gain more time. If you get bumped off it returns you to that level with your remaining time and you have to try again.

For the life of me I was NOT able to finish the final level no matter how close, slow, fast or hard I tried. Tonight I DID it. And I sweated! All it really is is walking in place on a platform but it was enough to get me riled up, competitive and yelling at the screen. Let's just say my little nephew was having a LOT of fun seeing Tia Elina going crazy and yelling at the game each time I 'died' or lost due to time.

Is it silly to be so excited over a game? Not when that game is one step closer to my goal. Not when I feel great when I finish. Not when it even helps me out and entertains a two year old at the same time. LOL.

So today I had a small silly victory. It was awesome aaaand by beating it I  unlocked the advance level of the obstacle course (that's right I was going crazy over beginner). Guess what I'm going to do the next time that game gets turned on. You got it. And you know what, I'm going to take it seriously because what's the point of having this great tool if you don't do it they way it was intended. You don't actually burn the calories if you cheat. That's not fun. That's a waste of time. And believe me I don't believe in wasting time, ESPECIALLY on a video game.

Got it? Good.

I'll see you next time for my next victory!

love
-w0rld

I wish I were Overweight.

This weekend was eventful. I went to the dentist on Saturday for a consultation and left with three wisdom teeth extracted. You can imagine the changes I've had to make to my eating habits. I think it's a blessing in disguise because I now have to think twice before I put anything in my mouth. I have to force myself to eat slowly and in small amounts. I have to make sure the food I eat isn't greasy and not to hard to chew. I feel like a little kid. I also noticed that the over all amount of food I eat has gone down significantly. Am I hungry? Not really. Eating slowly really helps me find out how hungry I actually am and how full I have become.

A part from not getting to eat too much I have been spending some time playing Wii Fit. The thing has a body test you can take each time you play and besides learning that I need to work on my balance it continues to remind me that I am obese. My BMI is currently 35. In order to even get to Overweight I have to be under 30. Honestly, that's all I want right now.

I long for the day that I can step on to the Wii Fit balance board and have the little game tell me I'm overweight. It will tell me that I lost enough weight to NOT be in the red zone. That it will tell me I've worked hard enough to get away from the health risks, the physical disabilities and unfitness. It'll mean that I've worked beyond the depression and insecurities that come with the obese package. It would mean that I've finally passed a large obstacle and that I would be well on my way to what the BMI scale calls "normal".

I have never been a fan of the word "normal" but in the case of weight and health problems the word doesn't sound too bad.

One day at a time. Today I will do my best to work on my fitness goals. Whether it be working on my calorie in take (and washing out my mouth every five minutes to make sure I don't get an infection while my mouth heals) or working on my balance, or working on my hurt foot.

One day at a time.
-w0rld

Weigh In/Riding my bicycle.

I've been home for almost two weeks now. I've been worried about gaining. I've said it enough times in this blog that the SECOND I come home I subconsciously revert back to my old ways of overeating, under-exercising and lazy-ness. I've been keeping record of my weight this week and here is the results of two weeks of being a lazy bum at home:

Current Weight: 216.6 lbs (+0.2 lbs)

I'm maintaining! Even though it's not a loss, it's a BIG deal not to have gained weight after two weeks!

I have eleven days to lose 1.4 lbs. My goal is to simply be 215 by my birthday. That's all I want. Lose ONE pound. It's definitely do-able.

The only exercise I've been doing is bicycling. My house had lost their tire pump and that's the only thing the bike needed, so while I looked for a decent (and inexpensive) bike pump I was using the stationary bike my family owns (and doesn't use). Now that I bought a pump I've been taking short rides around my neighborhood. Let me tell you it's not easy. I get winded even looking at a hill and I'm still trying to understand gears. I haven't ridden a bike in YEARS!

But it's fun and I'm not used to sharing the road with cars. It makes me a little nervous sometimes I admit. I'll have to stay safe and get over that because I plan to make bicycling my new cardio work out.

 Any bike riders out there have any tips? I'm completely new and the only thing I know about my bike is that: it's old and rusty, it's not a cruiser, I doubt I can go off-road with it (not that I'd want to anyway right now I'm still getting the feel for it), and it WORKS! LOL

I'll take a pic of it later.

Have a great Monday!

love

-w0rld