Typing from a new computer

So I have a new laptop now and I'm getting used to it. I hope this laptop and I will have a lot of new entries to come. Wish us luck!

I don't usually name my electronics but I'll take suggestions if you have them. LOL

-w0rld

How do you stop emotional eating?

It's almost the end of another chapter in my life. Two chapters actually... at the same time. One is my job working as a Teacher Naturalist in the San Jacinto mountains in Southern California. The other is having to end a wonderful relationship I started with an amazing man I met in the San Jacinto mountains in Southern California. Both chapters end for the same reason; I am moving to the Eastern Sierra mountains ( oh those mountains) for a new job as a Lead Instructor, teaching communities about water systems and water diversion in California. It'll be an awesome position, in a beautiful place I love (that's where I initially reached my 50 lb loss mark), but the fact that I'm leaving behind another beautiful place and a wonderful person to do it is making me more emotional than I care to admit.

Which brings out the whole idea about emotional eating. I am a professional emotional eater. It's so engrained in me I do it subconsciously and have a hard time figuring out if I'm hungry or just bored, or sad, or mad. I remember the first time I cried over a boy the first bit of advise my mother gave me was "Elina, please don't take it out on eating. Stay away from the kitchen. Go do something else." I have kept my mother's words with me since then.

So now that I'm getting close to leaving I need to  focus on different things in order to help me stay away from food. I need to focus on finishing my job here strong. I need to focus on getting ready for the new job. I need to start calorie counting and reading over specific diet recipes for PCOS women. I need to start training for a new triathlon. Never mind that I haven't registered for one yet. I need to give as much attention to the wonderful people in my life before I have to say goodbye.

I've been getting sad and therefore a bit distant from others, including friends and family. I don't want to lose my connections with the people I care about because of how I feel. On the contrary I should have them as a support system, as I wish to be a support for others. All these things are things I need to use, and have used before to keep me away from food.

It's not easy though, since food has been my escape for so long and I have a hard time stopping once I start eating something I  enjoy eating. Oh those trigger foods. We're talking sugar, bread, cheese, more sugar, and more bread too. I'm hoping that finding alternatives to the fatty, sugary foods I crave will help me get busy and not eat, but if I do eat, I eat things that aren't so harmful.

I've fought emotional eating before and I can do it again. I feel like I'm actually preparing for a battle... damn I need to stretch first! And that's exactly what all this prep is; preparing myself for a battle I'll start once I actually move. 26 days left.

Let's get ready! Stay away from food by keeping busy and focusing on my health and my friends. Deal with my emotions straight on and not with ice cream. Check.

Good luck everyone!

-w0rld

Still trying to figure things out.

Two weeks since my first triathlon and you would think I would have gotten some sort of life epiphany after the event. That hasn't happened. In reality I feel like something is missing. I didn't feel like I gave it my all that day and I regret it. I had so much self doubt up to the event, and even during the event that I was more scared about finishing the thing than I was about pushing myself or enjoying myself.

I also thought I would lose weight. I didn't lose a lot of weight and the little I lost I think I've regained in these last two weeks.

Sigh, it really goes to show that weight loss and self worth is more of a mental challenge. I need to figure out how I can get back to feeling good about myself and really taking control of my eating.

Today I was belaying (helping people rock climb by holding the rope that supports them). After we finished helping kids climb we gave parents a chance to try it. I helped a woman that seemed maybe late 40's/ early 50's and maybe 150 lbs climb up our tower. She easily made it to the top, with minimal exertion. I helped her down, congratulated her and took her off belay. She exclaimed that she was out of shape. I automatically responded with "Neither am I." and "I don't think I've ever been in shape." 

Right after I said that a part of me yelled in my head, "You just did a triathlon! You hike a half mile in 15 minutes! You can hike up hills in 90 degree weather! You can touch past your toes easily, and carry around large packs! What do you mean you're out of shape?"

But I guess that's the point. I can do all these things and yet I haven't been able to get the body I've been dreaming of. I still can't run faster than a mile in 12 minutes. I still can't ride a bike without almost bursting in to tears for fear of going downhill in a rocky trail. I still can't climb a rock or dance without getting tired.

I still have that image in my head that I can't call myself fit unless I look the part. If I'm not a size in the single digits. If I don't have muscle definition. If I don't have the right curves. etc etc If I don't have any of these things it means I'm not fit. And if I'm not fit than everything I've done so far doesn't count.

It's not true and I know it. But I have such a hard time accepting it. I know people that don't have model bodies that have achieved some amazing things. I know they're strong and fit and wonderful people. If I were to tell them that because they don't have a 6 pack or a size 0 waist than they're failures that would be ridiculous! But if someone were to say that to me, I wouldn't believe them. (I don't actually think being a size 0 is the right size for me. It's just an exaggerated example to make a point). 

I need to wrap my head around all of this and figure myself out. It's frustrating and I don't know exactly where to start. I guess I can just start by taking care of my health as much as I can.

Good luck to everyone,
-w0rld

Triathlon training complete.

Yesterday I completed my first triathlon. I stopped updating this blog, not because I had given up on my training but more in an act of stress. At the time I was angry and exhausted, unused to the new use of energy and unsure about what in the world I had gotten myself in to.

Instead of chucking it all I continued to work on my training, just not with the same intensity as January. I got a lot of bruises, and I had to borrow a friends bike because mine wouldn't work. I ended up going to a race preview in March and learned what the bike route was really like... on a bike. I learned that going down rocky trails on a bike I'm not used to riding is absolutely terrifying!

I eventually had to rent a wet suit and learn how to swim in it. I ended up jumping in my camps lake. I can tell you that wet suits are a pain to put on and a pain to get used to. I couldn't breathe or move well. It felt restricting the first couple of times I put it on. But after a few days of jumping in the lake I got used to it. There was only one week left before the race. It was as good as I was going to get.

Getting my trans area ready

Race day came yesterday April 6, 2013. I had been nervous, I hadn't trained as well as I should have. In my nervous state I started over eating like mad. I ended up gaining weight. I weigh the same as I did in January when I first started training. I didn't feel prepared and I knew I would need support for the day.

Checking the water before the swim

Luckily one of my housemates not only assigned himself to cheer me on but also signed up for the 3 mile trail run that was part of my course. (By the way, not only did he win in his age division but he won the whole freaking race!) His presence was a godsend since I couldn't think that morning and he had to be my brain and remind me that I had to register, set up my transition area, warm up, put on my wet suit.. etc etc.. LOL

 My race was a 1/2 mile swim, 7.5 mile bike, and 3 mile run.

Running in to the lake!

I started the swim and everything was going fine. I stayed in the back of my wave and slowly started passing people. The wet suit I had rented didn't fit me perfectly so water started entering the suit. This had happened before during training so I didn't fret about it. I got out and started jogging toward the transition area.

Once I got out of the water, I took my time getting ready for the bike. I didn't want to forget anything and the point was to complete the race, not necessarily try to compete against the veterans.

I grabbed my bike and my helmet and I started. The asphalt section went fine but once I hit the trail we immediately hit the "hike-a-bike" section and I stopped to take a bite of a power bar and hydrate, then start the climb up the hill. I didn't anticipate the speed other cyclists would have zooming past me. I couldn't ride as fast as they so I had to stop and let multiple riders pass me many times.

getting my scrape checked by the medic after the race

I finally made it back to the transition area. Parked my bike, took off my helmet, hydrated and ate another piece of a power bar. I started the run and I wasn't feeling too bad. My right foot was acting up a little bit (that plantar fasciitis is still making a presence) but not enough to be a problem. I had to hike up the first big hill right at the beginning of the run, and when I started the downhill I suddenly stepped wrong and in order not to twist my left ankle I put my weight to the right and ended up scraping my right knee. Better a scraped knee than a twisted ankle. I spent a couple of minutes rubbing and rotating my left ankle and then kept going.
I would hike the uphills and jog the downhills. I finally finished the last hill and rounded the corner to the end. I felt like I couldn't run any faster than a slow jog but I kept going. I finally saw the finish line right in front of me and sprinted the end.

sprint to the finish!

I couldn't really move once I finished and I had to ask the volunteer who was taking the ankle chip bracelets to take mine off for me because I couldn't bend. It was a good time. My parents and my friend were there at the end. I asked my mother what time it was and she told me it was 10:59 a.m. I had made it in under 3 hours! I thought it would take me 4.

With the parents at the finish

Because I did the recreational tri I didn't qualify for division awards, so I didn't wait for the award ceremony. We left before my time was posted so I still don't know what my time was. I do know I started the race a little past 8:03 a.m. and finished a little before 10:59 a.m. so I'm guessing my time was around 2 hours and 55 ish minutes.

It was an awesome experience and I now know I have a lot to work on. I think I'll definitely have to try again. I'm thinking I need to read up on proper training techniques BEFORE I start training so I know what I need before I need it. Like a wet suit. Or a proper mountain bike. Or learn what mountain biking IS. LOL

Until next time!

-w0rld

Dissecting the Cause of my Irritability

 Disclamer: This post is not meant to instill sympathy, pity, or guilt. I understand that everyone has problems and their own opinions. This post is meant to help me deal with mine.

In other words, I think I'm stressed out. I've mentioned before that I don't know I'm stressed out until I start getting dreams about rotting teeth or I start to notice my irritability and hermit-ness. I also think it's been building up and these last couple of weeks have kind of pushed me to the edge. It could be a combination of things. I felt it would be easier for me to dissect these by writing them down.

What's gone wrong:
1. My finances aren't getting better. I would have thought that by the time I reached my late 20's I wouldn't have to live paycheck to paycheck, but I feel more poor now than when I was in college.

2. My food in take isn't improving. I still have trouble finding the best way to control my overeating and food choices but I haven't been able to stay consistent. I self sabotage all the time and I'm feeling hopeless in that department.

I'm very, very tired...

3. My training isn't getting any better. I continue to lose drive while I'm running. I'm running SLOWER than before. My cycling isn't getting easier. I get frustrated because my poor old, cheap bike has issues with the gears and I sometimes can't change gears at all. Because of my car trouble I've missed at least 3 swimming sessions and the whole reason I decided to do this triathlon was to force myself to return to the pool.

4. Until recently my car had been out of commission. Three weeks without a car, especially when it's your source of escape and sanity, has been causing me stress.

5. I've lost patience and tolerance for some aspects of my living situation. I get irritated easier and have less clemency for other peoples mood swings. The fact that I live and work with my housemates, and the fact that I didn't have a car these last few weeks, assured me that I was stuck with dealing with my own emotions over my co-workers and therefore made me explode and become overly emotional more than once.

6. Romantic relationships are a new concept for me and they're confusing. Enough said.

7. I'm not losing weight. Not as much as I'd hoped anyway.

8. My health and my skin condition started acting up again. I'm tired of having chronic conditions that cause pain and discomfort.

---------------

Now, believe it or not, I'm not one to wallow in my own sadness and I don't believe in acting like a victim. I try my best to be responsible for my own problems and after years of resisting it, I have learned to confront my emotions and ask for help when I need it. It's still hard to ask though.

Thankfully a recent conversation with one of my co-workers opened my eyes on how affected, emotional and stressed I've become. It opened my eyes to what was actually going on with me and not until this moment did I finally take the time to really stop and reflect on what I need to do to get better.

I admit a part of it might have to do with my training. I suddenly jumped from not doing much to training 6 days a week and trying new things like trail running, cycling, and conquering hills. I'm getting tired faster and I feel like I need more coaching and support but don't know how and where to get it.

Another thing has to do with my life being in transition.... again. I'm attempting to change and advance my career. Which means another move and new work territory... again. I feel like I'm meant to be a leader but having to change career paths and jobs forces me to start from the bottom over and over again. I sometimes feel like I'm doomed to be in a beginner position forever. I'm exaggerating of course but sometimes it really feels that way.

Feeling like a penny in the land of quarters.

Being a person of color in a 'white' world is sometimes exhausting. Listening to other people's backgrounds and privileges (which most of them do or don't realize are privileges) and having to explain my background over and over again sometimes causes me discomfort and uneasiness. Not only that but I've been working with this group for years that I now also feel out of place when I'm back home. It's like I'm a centaur. Neither the humans or horses accept me and I feel out of place no matter where I go. The fact that I'm also working class and my possessions aren't always of the highest quality I get irritated when I see people mistreat or not value their own possessions. I am happy that I have a car and a bike and I don't need to hear about how they're both crap. I have what I have and I'm thankful for it.

So I've decided to something about my situation. Now that I wrote them all down it's time to see what's going well. Because things ARE getting better.

How things are getting better:

1. Finances: I'm working out a budget. I've done my taxes and am expecting a return that will help me. I have awesome parents that are helping me in any way they can. My credit score has actually gone up and that will help me a lot in the near future.

2. Food: I know my trigger foods and I know what calorie range I can be in that will help me lose weight but not make me feel like I'm starving. I just have to take it in small steps.

Add caption

3. Training: I went to the bookstore today. I counted out my pennies and decided to buy The Triathlete's Training Bible by Joe Friel. I feel like this will give some sort of ground and help to continue with my training. When I read the introduction it explained how it's normal for athletes to suddenly feel very tired and how they require a lot of sleep. I no longer feel bad that I'm ready for bed at 8:45pm.

4. Car: I have the most amazing father in the world. He came up the mountain during the week specifically to repair my car. I owe him love, devotion, gratitude and money and I plan to give him all of this with interest!

5. House: After addressing my concerns to the house, and then having individual conversations with other people I have better insight on people's situations and the house dynamic. I think I now have an idea on how to address my own issues with the house without getting so worked up again.

...but not all is lost and things are getting better.

6. Relationship: I adore the man I'm with and he doesn't think too badly of me either. That is a fact that I remind myself often. It helps me when I get confused or frustrated and feel like I'm 15 years old.

7. Weight loss: I have lost some weight. I also notice that the person in the mirror stands up straight more often. I also no longer wake up in the morning feeling sluggish. I feel pretty alert and ready to go. If that's not a sign of fitness I'm not sure what is.


8.Health:  BECAUSE my skin condition is a chronic one, not only do I know exactly what I need to do to treat myself but I have all the tools to do it. My skin looks much better than it did two weeks ago.


I know this was a long and not so happy post but these are the things that happen and I need to address them. The best ways I address things are by writing them down. The best way I can own up to them is by making them public and taking responsibility for my actions. It's the reason for this blog. It's the reason why I haven't given up on myself yet. I am strong even though I don't really feel it today. This is the best way I know how to move on from struggle.

I'm excited for my new book and hope it'll help me to get back in to gear with my training. I like the fact that it addresses the reader as an "athlete". I've never considered myself an athlete or even a fit person, but I like the idea that I can become one.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend. Take care of yourselves and I hope you're reaching your goals.

love
-w0rld

Triathlon Training: Week FOUR and Weigh In

The first week of February and things are getting interesting. I wasn't able to swim last week due to car trouble and I was hoping to get it fixed last weekend. Sadly my car needs more work than I first thought and I was incredibly frustrated to learn I wouldn't be swimming again.

Luckily a friend let me borrow their car this morning, so I got to go to a quick swim session. I got 25 minutes in the pool and I used it to work on my form and speed. Hopefully my car will be up and running soon and I can catch up that part of my training.

 I used my free time this weekend to start working on trail rides and runs. I have to say that the trails around here are loose soil and I nearly fell off my bike multiple times trying to cycle through them. My frustrations over my car, my loss of training, my finances and etc seemed to loom over that ride. I felt like every step I took led me to another stop, another failure, another false start. I started crying at some point. Anger over took me. I didn't allow it to stop me though. I refused to give up and kept going until I finished the short trail.

Trail running through this awesomeness

After that I took a quick, five minute break and decided to go for a run. What I didn't anticipate was that I would take a right turn instead of my usual left, and I ended up going for an hour long trail run/walk. I refused to believe that my earlier failed bike ride would break me like this. So I kept going. Walk or run it didn't matter. I didn't time it or track it. I kept going until I made the huge loop through the trails in the National Forest. The run kept me focused and convinced me that things were going to be ok. The more I sweated the faster my frustrations went away. By the time I got back to the house I felt a lot better about everything. You can't stay too mad when you remind yourself what your backyard looks like. LOL I took a shower and stretched and when I left my room I rewarded myself by going out to the community and join in in a 3 year old's birthday party. Pinata and all. Things are going to be ok. I know it!
-----
So I weighed myself this morning, unsure of what the number would be, since I ate more icing than I should have during that birthday party. The number made me incredibly happy and gave me even more hope to continue.

Current Weight: 212.8 lbs

I am 1.8 lbs away from re-reaching my 40 pound loss mark! That's huge, especially when you've been stuck in the late 2-teens for over a year. I'm hoping that by Valentine's day I'll have reached that mark again.

So, it was a frustrating week. But in the end it's turning out ok. Let's see what this week brings!

-w0rld

How I re-find my drive and motivation

I've been tired this week. We're talking I'm yawning by 6pm and going to bed by 9:30 pm, 9 pm, 8:30 pm. I've been keeping up with my training. Waking up early and putting on my layers and running shoes and/or bike helmet. But the whole point of me becoming incredibly tired by dinner is getting me a little annoyed, emotional and down right cranky.

I started wondering why I was doing this in the first place. Not the actual triathlon, but why was I going out of my way to wake up in the morning, work out, write in a blog and stop myself from eating a second helping of.. everything? So I decided to scrounge around for my copy of The Spark.

I first heard about sparkpeople.com from a friend when I first started this blog. Soon after I heard about the book and decided to get it. It was January 2010 and it was on the front shelves of Barnes n Nobles because of New Year resolutions. I remember reading the introduction and Chris Downe's personal story and getting incredibly inspired. What I love about this book is the fact that the program deals with learning how to set goals and taking small steps in order to change your lifestyle, not just lose weight. I've been dying to recommend this book to friends of mine who are stuck in a rut somewhere in their lives, and the only reason why I haven't is because the book is centered on weight loss and body transformation and some of my friends don't need to change their bodies although it also talks about your job, your self confidence and your family. I would still recommend it.

I started re-reading it this week and again I felt inspired and driven. It was a strong reminder of the reason I run my life through goals and it is re-explaining to me the best way to reach my goals, which is something I seem to have forgotten. So although I'm tired and sad that my car still isn't working so I can't go to the pool, I am reminding myself why it's important to keep fighting for a better me. Not just a thinner me, but a BETTER me in all aspects of my life.

The other thing I like to do is check my blog stats. I like to see who has visited my blog but more importantly I like to see which entries people are reading. I sometimes see that someone looked at an entry I made a year and a half ago. Or one of my very first entries when I was still afraid of the gym. Reading back at my own entries and thoughts inspire me too. I look back at what I was struggling with then, how hard I worked or what exactly caused me to lose motivation that time. In other words the old me inspires me as much as reading other people's success stories.

Finally the last thing I do that really inspires me are all the websites and online forums I sign up for that give me pointers, success stories, and ideas on how to better my life, my work outs and my diet. I get daily emails from sparkpeople.com. I get Couch-2-5k pointers and success stories in my facebook newsfeed multiple times a day. I get emails from active.com after I signed up for a couple of 5k races last year. I, of course, go to blogger and read the updates of all of my fellow weight loss bloggers for inspiration. All of these have helped me and guided me and have reminded me to keep going and not give up even when I'm stuck in my own rut.

In reality I have an arsenal of things to help me. One thing I need to work on is being better at connecting with that social network and spending more time interacting with the people that inspire me. My blogger follow-ees and followers. My old friends that have asked me for advise or a cheerleader. Motivating others gives me as much drive as receiving it. That's the next step. That and re-learning how to say no to baked goods. LOL

Weigh In and training update in a couple of days. Have a good weekend everyone!