Running a 5k tomorrow!

Even though I had been thinking about it and I don't really feel ready for it I decided to register for a 5k, the very same 5k that I ran for my very first time last year.

Running my first 5k last year.

It was the race I ran before I injured my foot and stopped running. Before I regained 10 lbs. Before I decided that eating a ton of chocolate the entire month prior was a good idea.

Why did I want to run a race I don't feel ready for? Because I'm scared. Because I've been taking it easy and I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can run as well as I could earlier this year, or last year.

But I want to prove to myself that I can still run. That although I've been in this long, looong plateau that I can still accomplish something. That I can still go out for a goal and reach it.

I really feel like I've slowly been losing my grasp and control of my weight loss. I've been scared and lazy and I worry that I won't be able to lose weight again. I've been sabotaging myself as well, which makes me wonder what it is I'm really worried about and why do I keep eating.

Is it motivation I'm lacking? Dedication? Consistency?

Apparently I haven't lost it completely because I still have the drive to sign up for a race and do it tomorrow.
Thankfully I won't be alone! There are 6 of us running this race. There were 5 of us last year.

I guess I'm hoping that running this race will re-kindle my drive to continue my weight loss regime. I need something to jump start me again.

I'm nervous. I'm curious to see what my timing will be this time. I'm excited to be running with others. My initial goal for this year was to run a half marathon by now. Things have changed but I wanted to at least not completely give up on racing.

Nervous yet excited

I'll have full updates on the results of race day later this weekend.

Hope everyone had a fun Halloween!
-w0rld

I love where I live

I went out this morning telling myself I'm going to go for  a short run. It didn't really end up happening. I ended up walk/jogging which is fine. I at least got out there. But the thing that kept distracting me was the gorgeous weather.

The day is bright. The sky is clear. The breeze is cool and playful. At some point I turned and I could see the mountains covered with granite and pine trees. In the foreground are the beautiful Cottonwood trees dancing their yellowing leaves and making it seem like they twinkle. And in front of that was picket white fencing and the light smell of horses in the air.

I had to stop and take it in. "I LIVE here. I can't believe it." I took a big breath and took it in one more time before I kept going. I love where I live.

I live here.

This SO beats a gym.

Love
-w0rld

Walk it Off

I am not having a good week. Family drama, finance issues, health worries... all of these have been adding up this week and I've been taking it out on the bag of fun sized Snickers one of my co-workers bought last weekend. I knew those Snickers weren't helping.

On Tuesday I ran the farthest I've run in months and tonight being my other night off I needed to run again.

I jog/walked the two mile loop surrounding the camp.
I finished in around 27 minutes.
I started walking to cool off.
I kept walking.
I walk/jogged the two mile loop again.
I kept walking.
I walked/power walked the two mile loop a third time.

By the third time around I had cooled off enough to realize it was almost 9pm and it was COLD outside. My back started aching and my foot started acting up. I figured it was about time I stopped.

Each time I finished the loop I knew that I wasn't done, so I kept going.
Why did I keep going? 
With all the stress I've been accumulating it's no wonder that I suddenly upped the distance in my jogging. I haven't gotten faster but these runs haven't been about speed. They've been about stress relief and over all fitness.

I just want to feel better. When I feel overwhelmed, upset, tired, sad to the point of tears, and I know food is only going to make it worse I vote for walking.

I LOVE walking. Not jogging. Not running. Walking. It used to be my job. To walk a grid back and forth for miles. I loved it. I love it still. It gives me that sense of peace and reflection I can't get just sitting around pondering what I'm going to do next.

Other things that keep me busy are cleaning my room, drawing, and writing things down. But nothing clears my mind as well as a long walk.

I kept walking until my mind cleared. After my mind cleared I kept walking until I changed my attitude. By the end of the third loop (despite the cold and a couple of aches) I sprinted with a giant smile on my face and did a little dance at the finish. That's when I KNEW I was done.

When I returned to my room and looked in the mirror I noticed how my skin looked clearer. I love it when exercise helps my skin look better. LOL.

I hope this weekend makes things better. In the meantime my feet are still working, my running shoes are intact, the road is still there and the stars are out. I'll see you out there.

Love
-w0rld

Running: The Ultimate Guilt Tripper

I hiked all last week. Did I lose weight? I doubt it since I balanced it out with trips to the coffee shop and a lot of chocolate. I admit I've been too ashamed to weigh myself this week.

I also hadn't run since last Tuesday. I figured it was time I put on my running shoes.

I have been using an App on my iPhone called Run Keeper

Run Keeper pretty much tracks your distance, time, route and even average pace per minute. Since I already use my phone as an iPod and listen to Pandora radio (mainly Club music radio) while I run it's pretty easy for me to turn on Run Keeper as well. It really helps me learn exactly how far some neighborhood roads are and plan my distances accordingly.

I recently joined a work out plan part of Run Keeper with different challenging running activities for a number of weeks. It's been really cool and it's nice not to have to wonder how far or long I should run that day since the App tells me what I should do everyday.

Tonight I ran my farthest distance in months. I ran 4 miles in 53 ish minutes. I think that's pretty good since I haven't run that far since before summer.

However the entire time I was running (and I ran the first two miles with one of my co-workers who even pushed me a little bit) I KNEW I wasn't trying hard enough. I KNEW that I could have gone faster, run farther, paced better... you name it. Yet I continued to stop and walk. I continued to slow down then speed up after I felt guilty for slowing down. I continued to yell at myself throughout the entire run. Yet I still didn't feel like I improved, and felt guilty throughout it all. Once I finished the run and checked my stats I could see where I could have tried harder.

But I didn't try harder. And THAT is my problem. I don't push myself hard enough. I comply with the bare minimum. It's a horrible habit. One that I need to break in order to get ahead in my running, my weight loss, my work, my life.

I have to push myself harder. I guess the reason why I'm so... cautious (at least in running) is because of my plantar fasciitis. This injury continues to haunt me and keep me back. "If I push too hard I'll hurt myself again." It's a fear I need to learn how to overcome.

I'm not sure how to do it. But for now I need to keep going. Don't stop. Keep my activities consistent if nothing else, and just Keep Going.

Keep going.
Keep going.

That's what I'll do.

What about you?

-w0rld

Hiking Adventures in the Mountain

I've been AWOL again but in reality it wasn't because I was too busy to blog or that I was off the wagon. I've been keeping busy and being conscious of my weight loss effort. However I haven't really seen many results and in reality I was bored of not having much to talk about that I just DIDN'T update anything.

Now I know that in reality I shouldn't get lazy with this blog because I know that besides the number on the scale this blog has helped me stay accountable for my actions, has helped me get motivated and motivate others and it really is a good log to see my patterns and remember where I've been and how far I've come (not to mention how much farther I have to go).

So here I am. With an update too!

I had this week off from work and I decided to stay local and hike my area since I haven't been able to do much hiking since I started working on the mountain a YEAR ago.

So here are a few highlight pictures of my last three hikes. I went for a 6 mile hike on Tuesday. A 13 mile hike yesterday and a measly 2 mile hike today that was cut short due to weather.

Off in the distance of my 6 mile hike is Suicide Rock.

I get to travel through a bed of beautiful ferns

My food reward for hiking? Beef Jerky!

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The second day I go up the Friendship Trail near the Ranch

Heading out!

My view from the Pacific Crest Trail. Perfect.

Resting my feet by the Spring half way through my 13 mile trek. 

Last day of hiking I decide to an easy trail called the Ernie Maxwell Trail

Sadly that hike got cut short due to snow!

As I literally run back to my car, soaked and cold I stop and take a pic of this quickly filling creek. Awesome.

These last three days have been rejuvenating and has reminded me that I can do a lot more than I think I can. It's reminded me how much I LOVE hiking and has shown me how much my area has to offer. God I love the woods.

That is all for now.

Happy Hiking!

love
-w0rld

The word of the day: CONSISTENCY

This entire month has been bipolar between going out and running or hiking to being completely lazy and eating bread like it's water. I'm doing healthy things but the problem is CONSISTENCY. I have no consistency.

I need to work on that because when I become inconsistent then weight gain always wins. It doesn't matter that I've been active or watching what I'm eating. If I'm not doing and watching myself regularly I WILL gain weight.

Proof:

Current Weight: 218.0 lbs

I gained 3 lbs in 8 days. Sigh. Time to get rid of those pounds and work on it regularly and in a timely manner.

Now to get off the internet and actually do what I'm saying I should be doing.

-w0rld

Weigh In/ I Think I Found My Theme Song

Happy Labor Day to my American friends. It's an interesting concept don't you think to celebrate hard work when most of our holidays are about play or taking a break from the norm. I really like it and I think it's completely relevant for a weight loss blog. Losing weight (and keeping it off) is hard work. Physically as well as emotionally. And hard work pays off just like today's weigh in shows.

Current Weight: 214.8 lbs (-0.4 lbs)

Now this may not seem like much but after a long week of cafeteria food and TWO days of triple cheese extra buttered grilled cheese sandwiches the fact that I lost any weight is great. Also I promised myself that I would get to 214 lbs by the beginning of September and I made it, barely, but I made it!

I jogged twice last week. Once on Monday and once on Friday. Between those times I managed to do my pilates video once (Cardio Pilates). I'm still doing crunches every night but I admit I haven't kept up with push ups. Time to start that up again.

Not a great pic but I could see the PCT over in the far mountain.

My big exercise was doing my first hike since coming back to the mountain. I went up a trail I've only done once before. I was with friends who knew where they were going lastt time so I felt a little lost for most of it since I was doing it alone this time. But the view was beautiful, the day was perfect, the trail was clear and the landmarks were visible.

I ended up taking a different route than last time. I ended up carefully climbing over a low-yet-locked-fence and ended up in a neighborhood. That road took me at least an hour to go through until I reached the highway. Then I walked back to our street and made it back home. It was a lot of fun believe it or not. LOL
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Despite exercise my main focus last week had to do more with looking inside of myself and trying to find self acceptance. It's really contradictory when you're trying to change who you are by becoming healthier and happier, but in order to get there you have to accept who you are now, love yourself for who you are already, and learn to love what you see in the mirror. It's like an oxymoron but it's necessary.

I realized that although I've gotten over a few things in my life I still have a lot of insecurities, a lot of self loathing and it really started affecting my relationships with others.

Specifically I was having a hard time with my body and sex. The constant fear I have due to self consciousness, the vulnerability of (literally) unveiling myself to a partner, and learning to let go of my well practiced control can be overwhelming. Just the thought having to undress in front of someone you desire, needing to keep confident through out it all, not to mention the logistics;figuring out placement of body parts, constantly worrying you're going to hurt them and/or yourself, annoying jiggling.. I mean I can go on.

And yes I've heard enough about the key being confidence, that guys are (or at least should be dammit) just happy to have a girl in their rooms, that it's all about how you feel not what you look like yada yada yada. It's so much easier said than done. And to tell you the truth most of those speeches were given to me by (what I figured to be) happy married people, gorgeous thinner women, and my adored and adorable male gay friends. In other words I didn't feel comfortable accepting any sort of advise from someone who didn't actually understand my position seeing as they'd never been in my place (in my opinion). I needed to hear it from a FAT, Sexed out, and HAPPY woman. And that's exactly what I went in search for.

I found it. 

I found this book:

Big Big Love: A Sex and Relationship Guide for People of Size (and those Who Love Them) by Hanne Blank.

This book was pretty amazing, mainly because it's tone was that of complete acceptance and had a big over all message that said "You're FAT and you deserve to have amazing sex. Now here's how to do it."

A lot of the things they talked about hit home and I was kind of surprised that many things had to do with  problems for people BIGGER than me. It's rare when I'm actually not big enough to relate to something. It was kind of an eye opener.

Over all it had a lot of messages about acceptance. Now this doesn't mean that I'm going to thow in the towel and say "Well this book is telling me that I'm fine being fat so forget this blog I'm going to go eat cake." It's telling me that I don't have to HATE myself for being fat. That going on this weight loss journey isn't about getting rid of things that I hate but gaining the tools to make my life healthier, better, longer and that I should ENJOY the journey instead of huffing and puffing waiting for the day when I reach my destination.

I've read enough blogs and other people's comments about how they thought that losing weight was going to solve all their problems yet it didn't. I admit I've been hoping for the same thing. I understand now that it's not going to happen so when I finally do reach that destination; that BMI that no longer says OBESE, I will meet it with improved confidence and self worth.

This is what I mean when I say I'm not going to give up and that I'm sticking to my journey. Sometimes I will break down and eat cake. But as long as I get back to it and have a smile on my face when I look in the mirror, I think I'll be ok.

In my search for more websites and books that can help me with my confidence issues I re-found this song I heard on the Wii. I decided that it will be new theme song for now. I leave you with it now.

Happy Monday!

love
-w0rld



Lyrics


Big girl, you are beautiful

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, "Hey girls, you are beautiful"

Diet Coke and a pizza please
Diet Coke, I'm on my knees
Screaming, "Big girl, you are beautiful"

You take your skinny girl
I feel like I'm gonna die
'Cause a real woman
Needs a real man, here's why

You take your girl
And multiply her by four
Now a whole lot of woman
Needs a whole lot more

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, "Hey girls, you are beautiful"

Diet Coke and a pizza please
Diet Coke, I'm on my knees
Screaming, "Big girl, you are beautiful"

You take your girl
And multiply her by four
Now a whole lot of woman
Needs a whole lot more

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Oh, you are beautiful

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Oh, you are beautiful

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girl, you are beautiful
Big girl, you are beautiful
Big girl, you are beautiful
Big girl, you are beautiful
Big girl, you are beautiful


Big girl, you are beautifulBig girl, you are beautifulBig girl, you are beautiful
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