Does the phrase "falling off the wagon" mean anything to you?
Well yes I admit right now that the last... month or so.. I've been binging, vegging, and lying to myself about how I've been treating myself. (yes, yes there were two "myself"s in the same sentence. So sue me grammar police~)
It's been starting to show. And it's been worrying me (ok.. I'm getting freaked out). Health issues that I had ignored in my new found euphoria over my weight loss success, and the energy and etc that came with it, have come back and with it came decreased momentum, increased physical pain, and fear. Yes I said fear.
Let me Explain:
Every time I've come back from work and camping I kept telling myself that I should treat myself. Except instead of having a candy bar one day, or even an In N Out burger I started binging on fast food daily. I was eating cake, ice cream, and juices.
It got worse as time went by and the last week I was at work I had taken some of that stuff to work with me. Which means I was eating junk at work. Sigh*
Breads and cheeses are my nemesis..
That's ALl breads and cheese combinations (think about it, there are TONS of combinations!!)
And these last few weeks I've been starting my old bad habits and relationships with those combinations again.
I knew what I was doing and I kept doing it... *shakes head* and the worse part about all this is that I think I know WHY I did it:
I had read a ton of other peoples blogs and talked to people who had gone through weight loss journeys and I kept hearing about how "hard" it was to lose the weight. How "challenging" it was to keep it up and how "long" it took them to do it.
The thing was that so far the weight loss I've experienced hasn't felt hard at all. Challenging yes, but it was mental not really physical... I kept doing the math about how much weight I thought I should be losing vs. the rate of weight I had been losing.. and I was 'ahead of schedule' I guess you could say..
This should have made me ecstatic right? Wrong. I felt cheated. I felt like I was doing it wrong. Why was I losing so much weight so quickly? Was it unhealthy? Why did it feel so easy?
I know. I know. This is ridiculous.
But subconsciously (or unconsciously... can someone tell me the difference?) I guess I started sabotaging myself. Eating things I shouldn't. Eating too much. Breaking my rules and breaking my "streaks".
I didn't really think it was going to affect me too much besides maybe regaining a few pounds..
.. but then my skin condition started acting up again. Think of a feeling of continuous pain in different parts of your body. Infections, allergic reactions, low circulation causing discomfort, etc etc... These things that have haunted me for years due to my weight (which had become dormant in the last few months due to my weight loss and increased activity) sprang up again.
It was horrible. Horrible!
It scared me. Made me realize what I have been doing to myself.
I realized I hadn't gone to the gym (and actually worked out) since early June. I realized that making excuses for not working out while working in NV because "I'm too tired" was making me lazy. I realized I was fucking up. Period.
I hadn't been able to log on to Sparkpeople and keep track of my food and so I have no idea what my calorie intake has been in the last month. And I still haven't figured out how much I should be eating now that I'm at a new weight.
I was slipping and falling off the wagon.
I need to dust myself off and get back on.
I will be going back to work tomorrow morning. Which means no internet access for atleast 8 days.
I will try my hardest to use those days to get back on track. I brought my copy of The Spark with me this time.
It helped me get pumped and motivated before. Maybe it will help me again.
Wish me luck good people.
I'm definitely going to need it. *bites nails*