A Chat about PCOS

I mentioned not too long ago that I never really address PCOS in my posts although it was one of the main reasons I started this journey. I thought it was about time I talked about it, how it's affected my life and how things have changed since I started trying to lose weight.

First of all let's start with what is PCOS?

PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and according to some studies it affects 5-10% of American women.

The Paleo Diet book actually gives a really nice description:

"Women with PCOS ovulate irregularly or not at all, and their ovaries produce high levels of male hormones such as testosterone. Women with PCOS are prone to obesity, excessive body hair, acne, high blood pressure, and type 2 diabetes. They also have seven times greater risk of heart disease and heart attack than other women do... "

Growing up if I had a period twice a year that was a lot. I started growing facial hair soon after middle school/early high school. I soon after started getting this advanced (and incredibly painful) case of acne, which is it's own diagnosis. I am a pre-diabetic and of course my weight had been rising steadily for years.

So after years of random answers to all these questions, when I was diagnosed with PCOS everything finally made sense.... and scared me.

I learned the real name for my skin problem and PCOS together and BOTH symptoms pretty much said that one of the main causes for it was my weight. Pretty much if I were able to lose weight my symptoms would lessen or go away completely.

I learned about my conditions in October 2009. I started this blog December 2009. It took me two months to finally get the guts and strength to really start. I'm still working on it now.

Once I started really losing weight I noticed changes almost instantly. The first thing I noticed was that my periods started coming back. Believe me that when this happened it was a bitter-sweet feeling. Partly I knew it was a good thing knowing my body was regulating itself the way it should. I was UN-happy because it felt like I was learning how to deal with a period all over again. I simply wasn't used to dealing with pads, tampons, bloating and cramps on a monthly basis. Bleh~ LOL

As for the excessive body hair I was already hairy. I'm a hairy person. I have accepted that about myself. The only things that really killed me were that now I was growing hair in places a girl shouldn't. Places like; face, back, chest and worst of all I was losing the hair on top of my head! It's horrible seeing hair grow where it shouldn't and seeing my hair thin out like a man going through male pattern baldness.  Sadly not much has changed in that department except that my hair seems to have slowed down, both the top of my head isn't losing as much hair at such accelerated rates and my body hair is ..well just there. No thicker or thinner than before. I've learned to deal with it.

Acne. This is the biggest difference. I have a case of acne that has a name so long I could never remember it.  It pretty much has to do with the fact that I don't sweat well and that areas that are moist all the time like arm pits or rubbing inner thighs are prone to infection. It's incredibly gross and worst of all PAINFUL because the bacteria grows under your skin until it breaks open and oozes out. I have scars of the many years I've been dealing with that shit. Now that I've lost a considerable amount of weight my acne has stopped. Every once in a while I get some pimples. But that's just it. Just pimples. The same size as a zit in your face. That's absolutely nothing! You have no idea how HAPPY I've been with this improvement. If nothing else remembering the pain I was in with my acne, and how it limited my movements even, remembering that has helped motivate me to never go back to the weight I was before.

As for diabetes. My mother is a diabetic and the last time I checked I was pre-diabetic. Now my doctors have told me that being "pre-diabetic" is not a diagnosis it just means I'm at a VERY HIGH risk of getting diabetes. My sugar levels were dangerously high but not too high to be full diabetes. When I eat something too sweet I get major headaches. I also, rarely, feel shaky when I don't eat. Once I started losing weight my sugar levels have been pretty normal but I'm still at high risk. I have to remember that when my sweet tooth turns on and I over-indulge in sugary treats.

Since I started I've been getting yearly physicals to make sure things are ok and adjust if anything seems wonky.

As for heart disease. It's nothing new. Heart disease runs in both sides of my family. Both of my grandfathers died of heart attacks. I know that chances are heart failure would likely be a high probability of my demise. I still haven't felt many symptoms of heart problems and as far as I can tell I haven't had high blood pressure problems. I'm not going to wait for that to show up before trying to prevent it though. I've learned my lesson in letting things slide.

PCOS isn't too uncommon. But it can be dealt with. I'm proof that losing weight, although it's hard, greatly improves things.

I am still taking medication for my hormone imbalance and antibiotics for my skin. I'm waiting for the day when I can chuck the pills and instead would only reach for a pill bottle in the rare occasions when my crazy physical activities lead me to the advil. That's it.

Has anyone else experienced PCOS symptoms? If you think you may have PCOS I suggest you talk to your doctors and mention it. You never know. It might change your life.

It did mine.

love
-w0rld

March Weigh In!

It's a new month! I can't believe February is over. I admit last month was one of the hardest to stay up and motivated. The weather, injuries, laziness, and everything else really put up a fight.

I'm trying to find my rhythm again. But for now we have results so here goes.

March Weigh In: 218.4 lbs (-1 lbs)

One pound. One measly pound is the result I had for the month of February. You may think that this is nothing. That I simply maintained and didn't try my hardest. For me it just means that I didn't give up despite struggling. That although I wasn't as active or diet conscious as I could have been I was still able to lose SOMETHING.

After spending over two years trying to lose weight and using this blog to help me I'm learning that it is not as easy as it first seemed. Just control your food in take and stay active. Calories in vs. calories out. That's it right? It isn't. 

In reality when I get to the technical parts of it yes, being more active and burning more calories than I consume is the formula. But learning what foods are better for me, learning how to not resort to food when I'm stressed or emotional, learning that just being active doesn't help when I don't mix it up or I don't enjoy the activity... all these facts are things I'm learning more and more as I continue my journey.
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I remember a blogger a while ago stated she wasn't the type of person that can just decide to stick to a program and steadily lose weight. That they were the type to yo-yo up and down and that they accepted that about themselves. I'm realizing more and more that I have a loooong way to go to reach my goal weight. Not because I CAN'T lose the weight but because I have a lot of other things I need to work on. Things like:

I need to work on my self-discipline when it comes to food.
I need to learn that food is going to be there later.
I need to learn about portion control and to choose what foods to eat and what foods to say no to.
With exercise I need to learn to commit to something that makes me happy. I can't force myself to do an activity I don't enjoy.
I need to learn to stop giving excuses in my life and simply just do it. It's a never ending inward struggle.
I need to learn to stop comparing myself to others. This is a BIG one. I currently live in a house of very active people. It's awesome but it also doesn't help because they have the ability to be more lenient with their food, eat the same amount of food I do and not have the same consequences. I can't act or eat like they do because my body is very different from theirs.

I realized I need to start spending more time giving my full attention to my food. Yesterday morning I made a great breakfast and spent time cooking it. After I actually sat down with pen and paper, looked through every nutrition fact and did the calorie counting by hand. It's easy to just go to a computer program and guesstimate kind of what I ate and substitute one thing for another because "it's the same shit right?" So I went in and added, subtracted, multiplied and divided until I got the most accurate account for my big breakfast. How much was it? It was 853 calories. That's right, 853 calories. I of course wasn't hungry until 3 or 4pm later that day but that number was amazing.

I just have to keep going. Just keep going. Work on getting better and make each day count. Waiting to do things "tomorrow" add up and before I know it I've lost a month here and 12 days there. That goes for this blog as well. I have so many ideas for entries for this blog but before I know it the week has passed and it's Monday again.

I refuse to give up! I deserve better than a gluttonous life!

At the same time I'm also guilty of waiting "until I lose the weight" to do things.
"I'll wear pretty clothes when I'll look nicer."
"I'll date when I'm not so hideous looking."
"I'll party when I can fit in to those pants." 
"I'll go on a big adventure when I'm better."
"I don't want them to see me until I'm lighter."
 By the rate of it I'll never live my life if I wait. I'll never gain confidence if my life depends on the scale or what I ate the day before. I'm soo tired of being afraid, of being self-conscious, of low self-esteem, of worrying about what others think or how I look next to others. I don't want to have my weight be a factor when I'm looking for a job or meeting someone new. I'm tired of feeling this way.

I want this journey to be fun. It's meant to be enlightening, challenging, and rewarding. I don't want to spend my time dreading or worrying or wondering if I'll ever make it. I'm trying to find my niche. I'm trying to find what works for me. This is a life change. It'll take time before I get it right. I'm willing to invest the time.

Are you?

I'll post again in a couple of days.

Happy March!

-w0rld

I love running at night.

I love running at night. I didn't realize this until last night when I went for a slow jog around my neighborhood after dinner.

I've always jogged in the morning. It's been my thing where I wake up, stretch, moan and groan, put on my shoes and go outside. After a while, and after attempting to run first thing  after waking up in the morning I realized it wasn't the greatest idea. (Runners might know what I'm talking about here but I'm not going to elaborate.) So a few times and especially recently I've tried running after work/dinner.

Because it's winter it gets dark early so by 5pm it's pitch black in the mountain and it gets chilly. This week has actually been amazing and the weather last night was around 40 degrees Fahrenheit at around 7pm. So I started my 2 mile loop. I had a headlamp with me, not because I needed it, but because I wanted to make sure motorists saw ME. I realized early that I could see just fine with the moon and the few lights of the neighboring houses. Because I live in such a beautiful area I can see the stars, there's hardly any traffic and it's quiet.

Now you may tell me, that's fine and dandy for you Elina but I live in a city. Well I started doing the same thing when I was home. In one of the major streets and over the highway bridge. I still liked it.

The main thing about it is that there are less distractions. Things are calmer, I can't see a lot of color and details and so my eyes don't wander. I can't tell where my next turn is going to be so I don't stress about when I'm going to get there and how slow I'm going. I just jog. I'll get there when I get there. It feels really good.

Last night really drove that home for me. It was my first time jogging that loop since coming back to work. I was worried, knowing how out of shape I am. But with my slow/steady pace it went great and literally before I knew it I was turning my last corner and finishing the last stretch no problem. Thirty minutes of exercise done in a snap. It felt great.

Now the problem is keeping it up. Keeping up my night routines after long days, or cold nights etc when I'm tired and cranky and all I want to do is put my comfy pants on and go to bed. I have to keep that in perspective.

For now I'm happy. I love running at night. Do you?

-w0rld

Reflections/Going home for Thanksgiving

It's that time of the season! Time to go home and celebrate a glutinous holiday. Am I ready?

I'm not sure really. But I did try something different this week. I (except for the days I was in charge of dinner) decided NOT to eat at the dining hall the entire week and instead eat my own food. You might think this was a wonderful idea.. and it could have been, but in reality I used it as an excuse to finish up all my packages of curry from Trader Joes, finish all my leftover veggies that were going bad and just finish everything before going home for the holidays. I honestly don't think I lost any weight this week (I'll weigh in tomorrow morning and assess the damage) but it proved that I CAN resist the greasy, thick and fake food from the kitchen.... for the most part.

And you know what? For the most part I feel good.

Now it's time for Thanksgiving. I'm going to be re-reading sections of Bethenny Frankels book about HOW to eat. It helped me A TON last year and I'm hoping to use that tool again this year.

I was having an insightful conversation with a friend of mine about really looking in to the reason why I haven't been able to lose weight this year. Physical limitations vs. psychological. The idea of unconsciously wanting to keep my weight in the fear that I'll lose my identity if I lose anymore. It's definitely possible.

I'm going to be working on that this week.. and although I can talk about these reflections in my CDCC check in tomorrow I wanted to give it its own post mainly because it's something worth noting.

Do I have the strength to resist food this holiday season? Can I finally push myself enough to get past my unconscious fears and return to ONEderland?

Do I have the strength and discipline?

The answer is yes, it's in there. Now do I have the drive to push myself to get there? That's the real question.

Good luck to all this week!

love
-w0rld

Weigh In: What is it that I'm doing?

Before I start. Here it is.

Current Weight: 200.6 (+3.4 lbs from last week. Sigh*)

Work Out Achievement(s): I woke up this morning in a great mood. I was worried about my weigh in but I was hopeful. When I read the scale my lights dimmed. The first thing in my head was "Can I blame this on that time of the month??" After vetoing that idea I took a second to stop and think.

Why do I over eat? What feelings am I trying to squash down? Why, after having a great loss did I "reward" myself by eating? Why did I keep eating when I knew I wasn't hungry? Why do I sabotage my weight loss efforts... and then complain that I'm not losing any weight?

I knew, KNEW that I was going to gain weight. And yet I always marvel at HOW MUCH weight I can gain in a few days. It's like I conduct experiments with myself to see how much I can get away with.

"I wonder if I can still lose weight if I eat this cookie and then go jogging later."

or

"Let's see, if I eat a huge bag of trail mix and then do a huge hike. Will I still lose, or at least maintain? Let's find out!"

I am NOT kidding. I guess after all this time I'm still trying to figure out how to 'cheat the system' or find out what the bare minimum I have to do is and still get results.

It's a bit sad isn't it? I don't want to give up the foods I love. And I know that people have told me that I don't have to give up foods I like, just learn portion control etc etc. But in all honesty that doesn't work for me. If I have my favorite food around I want to eat it.

Once I have a bite I want more. Learning to discipline myself is hard. I'd rather not have the food around at all. But then of course when I'm craving something like crazy I end up binging on everything else around me to compensate. It's all a balancing act I guess.

This is a hard battle. I now understand what people meant when they said losing weight was hard, and that the first 30 lbs are easy to lose.

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Anyway it's safe to say my day did not start well. However I had a great day at work and that lifted my spirits. I caught a reflection of myself when I was walking past a store front window and I didn't see a fat girl. Instead I saw a healthy girl who needs to lose a few pounds.

I get a lot of time to people watch in my current job and I can see every type of body. From young and strapping, to skinny wraith, to plumpy, curvy, saggy, kiddy, and of course round and obese.

I saw a girl today that was the spitting image of what I used to look like 50 lbs ago. Down to the lazy pony tail and bad posture. Gorgeous woman believe me. She had a 'pretty face' ( <--- the dreaded backwards compliment I hated receiving constantly)and some rocking legs. But I looked at her and I saw what I absolutely REFUSE to go back to being. Large, unhappy yet pretending to be happy. Unhealthy and feeling like shit inside, except you don't know you feel like shit because you haven't felt anything else but that way. I am NOT that girl anymore.

I now know what it feels like to have an accomplishing post work out glow. I now know what it feels like to be "in shape" (for the most part). I now know that I have it in me to become healthier; without pills, diets, surgeries, or a gym membership even.

The thing I have to battle is my addiction to food. My relationship with food. I have focused most of my efforts, and most of this blog to learning how to become active. I have spent very little time worrying about and dealing with food.

The way I handle it is by eating what I want and killing myself with hard work outs to compensate. There is going to be a point where hiking 10 miles a day and swimming for hours just because I want to eat pizza, is not going to cut it anymore.

I need to become responsible for my own actions. I need a food goal streak.

(btw. I hiked 5 miles two days ago, including two miles of sprinting up and down steep slopes. It was awesome and I can't believe I ran up those rolling hills. That's my actual work out achievement. LOL)

Goal(s): This week is going to be about focusing on food. I am going to start reading up more on the Paleo diet but for now I'm going to try a loose paleo menu. I am going to focus on eating mostly unprocessed food. I'm going to work on eating fruit, vegetables and meat and seriously limit my intake of grains, cheeses and other processed foods.

In other words, if I can't find most of the ingredients from a nutrition label in a pantry or garden, I'm not going to eat it.

I will be eating this way for 10 days. Today was day one. We'll see.

Wish me luck! I'll check in in a couple of days!

love
-w0rld

When you know you're gone weight loss crazy:

1. Feeling guilty over eating cheese fries at 1 a.m.
2. Compensating eating cheese fries by going for a walk at 1:30 a.m.
3. Feeling restless and scared of the scale over what you ate 4 days ago.
4. Using that restlessness by suddenly walking out of the house at 9:30p.m. to go "for a short walk."
5. End up walking dark streets with your headphones on.
6. Stopping in a parking lot to bust a move..or two
7. ..or three.. or four
8. Not feeling like you did enough so doing some push ups too.
9. Jogging back up the dark streets with only the stars guiding your way.
10. Coming back in and reading blog entries.
11. Feeling inadequate after reading about blogger awesomeness so you down a ton of water and wash dishes.
12. You take a shower and force yourself to bed before you decide to do pilates on the floor at 10:30p.m.

It happens.

love
-w0rld

How Things Have and Haven't Changed

I went home for a couple of days this week. It ended up being a well needed break from island life, a chance to chill with my family, and a fantastic opportunity to get errands done.

This morning, after a day of binge eating (yes I admit. I completely over ate on Wednesday) I put on my old running shoes (my new ones were left behind on the island) and went for a jog along the old route I used to take my dog (RIP Lucky). The route is a total of +2.5 miles roundtrip. Maybe closer to three miles.

I remember that the route used to be a bit of a challenge because the way out was a slow incline the whole way. When I would finally reach the end I'd be tired and sweaty.

Today's run was a cinch. I got up there with hardly any effort and once I got to the top I didn't know what to do with myself. I literally said "That's it?"

So after standing around for about a minute I just turned around and headed back. Easiest jog I've done in a while.

It's amazing how things change. How things that were once hard and extreme are now a walk in the park.

Of course that nice jog came with a price. I had decided to wear shorts (I NEVER wear shorts) and a sleeveless shirt (I NEVER wear sleeveless shirts in public) as my workout outfit, thinking "Hey it's summer, and no one knows me anymore. I'll wear what I want."

However, what I didn't anticipate was that my shorts kept riding up my inner thighs the whole time I was jogging. In order to not stop and pull my shorts down every minute I started doing this weird leg movement to get my shorts to behave and lo and behold I misstep-ed, lost my balance and fell.

BAM. I scraped my hands and my left knee. The same knee that got hit the last time I tripped and fell.

It pretty much reminded me how much things HAVEN'T changed on this journey. I'm still a klutz. I'm still lazy and I still binge when I'm home.

BUT:
I never quit just because of a few scrapes. (I brushed myself off and kept jogging of course)
I like to think of myself as a "recovering procrastinator."
and I'm learning to control my urges, one day at a time.

Today was a good reminder day. My knee definitely doesn't let me forget. Over all it was a great day.

I'm back on the island now. Back on track. Back on top!

Have a great week everyone!

-w0rld

I don't feel LOOK fat today!

This last week I've noticed that I'm feeling a lot more comfortable with my body. I see my reflection and more often than not I see a well shaped person rather than a round, fat, ugly person. Am I at the point where the scales are tiping and I'm closer to the "skinny" side of the spectrum than the fat one?

I don't know but even in recent pictures I don't think I look so bad. It's a great feeling.

Sure I have a long way to go still and if I look at myself in a different angle I can clearly see that. But for this week I don't feel fat. I don't think I look fat. This week I'm NOT fat.

So it is said, so it shall be! LOL

Even yesterday, when my crew and I had our day off and decided to go down a secluded beach:

Less than a mile hike down to the beach and you have a beautiful area all to your self!

I felt pretty comfortable walking around with my unitard swimsuit. I almost felt like I had a figure. One day I'll have a body where I'll feel comfortable wearing a bathing suit. For now I'll have fun with where I am now.

Yes it's good to work hard to reach goal, but don't forget to have fun in the journey!

Have a great and healthy body imaged day!

love
-w0rld