Running 6.5 miles... and an injury.

Today was the day. I was finally going to be able to have the time, the motivation and the plan to run 6 miles non-stop as part of training for the 10k race I signed up for at the end of the month.

I got one of these suckers.

I waited a few hours in the morning, had breakfast, chatted, and used the facilities. I put on my new sports bra, old sports shirt, over shirt and slacks. I laced up my running shoes grabbed my phone and it's new arm band I got at Target a week or so ago. I set Pandora radio on "Club Music and was ready to go. My run on Wednesday helped me find a new loop that would take me around for 4.6 miles. All I had to do after that was do the 2 mile loop I've gotten used to and TA DA! I'd complete a 10k run! More than that actually.

It was a great plan. I'd run 6 miles before but I had to stop after the first 2 miles last time because I don't know about you but running makes me have to visit the little girls room like you can't believe. It's annoying, uncomfortable and a hassle. I'm learning to work around that body fluke. But anyway the first time I ran 6 miles a few weeks ago I had to do a potty break after 2 miles and then complete the next 4 miles. So I ran 6 miles but I had to stop.

Yeah, maybe one day right? LOL

This time I wasn't stopping. It was interesting because most of the run was going to be on pavement but there is an almost 2 mile stretch next to a highway. I found out that there is a horse trail parallel to the highway and I figured it would be a better, safer route to take than have to move to let cars pass every five minutes. It was good because I didn't have to worry about traffic but I am NOT used to trail running and although I've done some of that stretch once or twice before that horse trail always changes with weather and erosion so I had to be very careful of where and how I stepped.

After the two mile trail running stretch I headed back to camp down a curvy trail, made it back to my starting point and kept going. I was going to do another, smaller 2 mile loop to finish my 6+ miles.

I had to motivate myself to keep going on that last stretch but I did it. I finished my jog in 1hr and 28 minutes. Most of that time was spent either watching where I was stepping, day dreaming about cooking or enjoying the view of all the gorgeous ranch houses I passed along the way. But when I finally stopped and sat down, relieving my feet of my weight I was able to feel my feet and legs throbbing. Talk about pounding the pavement. A minute later I started feeling a piercing pain in my left arch. "Aaah sh**" was all I could say to that.

Right about there, yes. 

This wasn't the first time I'd felt a bit of pain in my left arch. I figured the last time that I stepped wrong during a hike and my foot had swelled up. I had iced it and elevated it and eventually the pain went away. So today when I felt my left arch hurt, and as the minutes continued the pain got stronger and stronger, I knew I was in trouble.

By the time I finished stretching, went back to the house and took off my shoes my left foot was in agony. My first instinct is to use 'arnica' and massage it. But I don't have 'arnica', don't even know what it's called in English, and my foot was in too much pain for me to want to touch it.

Eventually, after google-ing foot cramps, texting my mom, and feeling my foot out I left my room and hopped to the fridge where I knew we had ice packs. My roommates gave me suggestions and one of them handed me a book called Fix you Feet. I gratefully accepted everything, wobbled back to my room, elevated my foot, put on the ice pack and opened the Foot book to heel and arch pain.

Gotta love it. 

Eventually after putting on and taking off the ice pack and stretching my foot to localize the pain I realized I was starving. I needed to get up to cook lunch and take some Advil. (I learned the hard way that you can't take Advil with an empty stomach so I NEEDED to eat something before I could indulge in pain killers.) So I wrapped my foot up and headed to the kitchen.

I heated up tomato soup, added garlic, garlic salt, oregano, baby spinach and slices of grilled chicken. I had to limp run to the smoke alarm to turn it off because apparently my kitchen doesn't appreciate the smell of smokey garlic cooking. I had to call the Fire department and tell them it was a false alarm, but finally I got to sit and eat.... and take Advil. LOL

Now I'm in bed with my wrapped foot slightly elevated and the pain killers are taking effect. In a few hours I'll inspect the damage and I might add a hot press.

I'm a little bummed I got hurt but I'm hoping that the foot will get better soon and that it mainly had to do with over exertion and lack of hydration on my part (I definitely didn't have any water on this run, and it was a warm sunny day too.)

Do I regret running this far. Not at all. I'm actually ecstatic that I was able to finish such a long run. This is the farthest I've ever run non-stop EVER! I know now that I have to take care of my feet if I'm planning on continuing this running regime. I really hope that by tomorrow my foot is better. I need to keep training to be ready for my 10k at the end of the month.

Wish me luck and remember to take care of your feet!

love
-w0rld

Non-Non Weigh In

I'm going to say it right now; I clocked out last week. I did not count calories. I did not notice my water in take and I did not pay attention to my activities (minus Monday where I ran 6 miles for the first time!)

Why did I clock out? Multiple reasons like:  There were two weddings, one chocolate filled holiday, a family reunion, job interviews and a snow covered week.

Does that mean that I just went crazy and binged like mad? Did I sleep all day and say "good riddance" to exercise?

NO.


I didn't get much of a chance to run last week like I had planned because it snowed and stormed a bit. Now if you've been reading this blog for a little while you will remember that I'm a Southern Californian and me and snow are rare acquaintances. I am not comfortable in it and I don't think it likes me very much.

I didn't over eat often (though I did indulge in more chocolate than I should.) And I tried to keep active despite not being able to go outside most of the week. Although I've been horrible when it comes to strength training.

Because of all the events that were happening and the bit of stress (not that much, but enough) I knew that I would go crazy worrying about every. little. thing I did or didn't do.

So to keep my sanity, I said "Not this week."

Does that mean I'm not going to count or keep track anymore? No. I'm still here. I'm back to schedule this week.

I will be counting again this week and I'm going to FINALLY start training for my 10k full force.

I want this lazy feeling to go away.

Let's make sure this week is better.

Good luck to all!

love
-w0rld

Dedication is Waning

I've slowly been noticing that my dedication to this blog, to my goals, and my fellow bloggers has been waning. I can't say that I've been incredibly busy or stressed. My distractions and procrastination has been slowly creeping up on me.

I don't want that to happen. This blog and the community I've found either in blogger or outside of it has helped me so tremendously. And yet I feel like I haven't given back. I haven't contributed. I've let people down. I don't update as often as I should, or as often as I promise.

I am not the kind of person who flakes too often on their promises. And if I do I try my hardest to redeem myself.

This isn't to say that I've given up or the blog is no longer useful. It simply means that the honey moon "oh wow look at the numbers on the scale fall and people love me!" phase is over and the real, hard truth about what it takes to lose weight is really here.

It's all mental. It's all in my head and it all depends on me. So my frustration at having food lying around the kitchen, or people baking wonderful eateries and then leaving them for everyone else to eat, or bringing a ton of sweets in the house constantly.. is not their fault. No one is FORCING me to eat them. It is up to ME to resist temptation. It is up to ME to say no. It is up to ME to choose the portion sizes.  No one else but me.

I am my own worst enemy.


This week wasn't perfect. I'll check in on the (lack of) progress tomorrow on my "Non-Weigh In". In the meantime I'll stop complaining and making excuses for myself and my actions. Things can be really simple and don't have to be this hard.

It is not hard. It can be fun. It can be exciting. It all depends on how I consider this journey to be. Is it a chore or an adventure?

I choose adventure. I choose it to be a fun challenge to see how well I can eat at a fixed calorie budget. I choose what kind of activities and work outs I do and where they take me. I choose.

I choose to continue. I choose to try harder. I choose not to give up. I choose NOT to accept the person I see in the mirror now because I KNOW I can be better than this!

I need to stop being afraid of..... everything! I need to do this for me.

One day at a time.

I can do this. No more waning. I am here.

-w0rld

How Serious Am I?

Hello Everyone,

Yes, I've noticed I've been gone since before Christmas. No, I'm not dead. Yes, I have been indulging in way too many sweets. No, I haven't given up. I never will.

I admit I've been a bit disappointed in myself due to the number on the scale and how much I've been gaining this fall. The plateau this year really hit my me hard and my frustrations have been showing itself by the gut that's pushing to come back and the rising number I can't stand to look at but can't deny is there.

It makes a person think. This is the time of year where you start looking back at 2011 and see what you accomplished, what you hoped for, what goals didn't quite make it.

For me the thing that I've been looming over is of course my lack of weight loss this entire year. I had hoped to reach my goal weight this year and instead I got stuck in the 200's all year. I had a taste of ONEderland for a few blissful-yet-excruciatingly struggling months this summer. Yet I noticed that after my birthday in August (and my failure of losing the amount of weight I wanted by then) I felt myself slacking. With that light slack the weight started roaring back as if a tidal wave that I had been holding back with all my strength had finally won and plummeted me.

Try holding back this monster

You can say I'm currently soaked and struggling to get back on my feet. While I stumble I start to think;
"Do I want to get up?"
"Why do I want to get up?"
 "Am I willing to fight the next round of waves?"  
"How badly do I want this?"
"How serious am I?"


Negative thoughts have been coming back these last couple of weeks. How I'm a failure. I'm not disciplined. How I haven't accomplished anything this year. How I've ruined all the progress I made last year. How I'm lazy and a glutenous slob wasting my time.

But then I started looking at old family pictures of myself. I noticed that girl and her sad eyes. Her big cheeks and her bad posture. That miserable little girl with the non existent self-esteem who longed for a different life and a different body. The girl who lived in her head while she left her body to rot.

Then I see pictures of me now. The independent woman who has explored her own state more than she could have imagined. The woman who loves to hike, lives to dance, and smiles like she means it. LOL.

I look at the medication I have to take and how much better things have gotten since I "got serious" two years ago and decided to do something about my weight and my life.

I look at my current job and how much fun I'm having and how much more confident I am when it comes to work and my skills.

So did I ruin everything by gaining weight this year? HELL NO. My accomplishments out weigh the down falls 10 fold!

I am no longer that sad little fat girl anymore.

I am no longer her:

Fall 2007

but rather I am her:

Fall 2011

Still learning but with much more respect, confidence and overall liveliness in her.

There is no way I can allow a pity party when I have worked and gotten so far.

The journey must continue!

So I'm here.

I'll post another post a late 'Blog-aversary' post soon talking about my achievements of 2011 and my plans for 2012.

I'm already working on them and will reveal all soon!

Why? Because I'm serious about this journey. No matter how many times I fall, drenched with trembling knees from one of those 'tidal waves' I will get up and keep going.

Have a great end of 2011. May your year have been awesome and may 2012 bring more accomplishment.

love
-w0rld

Getting Emotional During the Holidays

I didn't want to post about this. I don't feel comfortable admitting how emotional I can usually be, and especially don't mention how I get during the holidays.

I consider getting emotional to be a personal weakness. But then I have to think about WHY I feel that way? Why are tears running down my face, when my life is going so well? Why, when the company I keep right now is so amazing?

I won't go in to detail about what issues I might have. But it does bring in a lot of things that, usually, overweight  people have.

~Bleh to frustrations~

These feelings bring back my insecurities. They bring back my low self-esteem full force. I feel unwanted, unattractive, annoying,worthless... You know, all that fun stuff. To the point that I start feeling depressed and sorry for myself. And then I feel angry because I'm acting like a silly pity-party child.

I don't usually talk to people about it unless I trust them completely. And if I do talk about it, it's usually things on the surface and I never let people in deep enough to the root of whatever problem I might have.

Because I consider these feelings to be a weakness I don't like to think about it or deal with it most of the time.

But then, of course the way I end up dealing with is what? You guessed it: Emotional Eating. 


... when in reality all I need is a hug. But I refuse to ask for one. Isn't that silly? Talk about being stubborn.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to go back to emotional eating. I think I've grown to the point where I'm very aware of how I get, when I get that way and my actions toward it.

I think having that self awareness can work as a tool to keep me from the fridge. Writing this down now; out in the open where the public can read it, is also helpful and in my opinion, can be considered progress.

Hopefully one day I won't feel this way anymore. I don't want anyone's pity. I don't want any sort of sympathy or pat on the back. I might need it. But I don't want it. Does that make sense?

Did I over eat today? No actually. I did fine. I even got more than enough liquids in. It was great. The day was gorgeous. The company was nice. My roommates are amazing. I love where I live. I love what I'm doing right now. I'm getting goals accomplished.

But I'm missing something major. Something I'm afraid to ask for. Something I refuse to word out because I'm ashamed to ask for it.

I will not let food comfort me tonight. Instead I'm here. Writing this post and refusing to indulge in the lovely smells from the kitchen.

I'll stay in my room. I'll read my book. I'll brush my teeth. I'll go to bed. I'll feel better tomorrow morning.

Goodnight all.

love
-w0rld

Absolute Technology Fail :(

I woke up Friday morning ready to do an early Christmas Dress Countdown Challenge update since I was going to a conference all weekend, to find that the internet was down. Hell.

The conference was in the mountains away from all technology, and so I decided to wait until Sunday evening to do a quick post when I got back to MY mountains.

When we got back I found out that the internet was STILL down and had been down all weekend. Short of taking my computer and driving 1 hour down the mountain I tried to call a friend to make a post for me (I don't have a smart phone, AND I do have crappy cell service) only to have my phone die on me.

Frustrations!

The internet finally came back on this morning. Too late I might add!

So I suppose I'm out of the challenge for missing the deadline. Absolutely horrible. I apologize. I'll update later tonight. The scale wasn't too happy with me either. Bleh

-w0rld

Not Doing So Well

Isn't if funny that Wednesday seems to be the day some people (at least me) like to check in? It's the belly button of the week, and I suppose that means it's time to take some time and reflect on progress.

For me there doesn't feel to be any. Sigh.

I've been waking up these last three mornings feeling horrible. I feel tired, bloated and sick. I feel heavy and just bleh. I know what it is. It's the food I've been eating and the lack of exercise from the last few weeks. But instead of reaching for something healthier I end up eating just as badly and have no energy to exercise. It's a horrible cycle!

The week is still early but I hate waking up like this. I hate having my old routine messed up and I don't like how I forget little things when I'm home. I forget to take my multi-vitamin. I forget to drink water. I forget to go outside sometimes! What gives!

I promised myself I'd go swimming tonight so I will. I don't understand how I become so lazy and sluggish when I'm home and I'm still struggling in changing that.

This morning I woke up at seven. Didn't end up taking my sister-in-law to work so what do I do? Instead of grabbing my walking shoes and enjoying the crisp morning weather.. I move to a now empty bedroom put on a movie and fall asleep for another 2 hours.

Bleh. Bleh. Bleh.

I hope it gets bettter.

rant over

-w0rld

Jogging: A love/hate relationship

So it's been a heat wave this entire week and I'm still using it as an excuse to not go jogging. I've been feeling guilty and noticed that today wasn't as hot as the rest of the week. Seeing as the only exercise I did all week was a couple of dance work out videos and a walk with my mom, I figured I NEEDED to go outside.

Like last time the beginning of the jog was tough. I felt bloated and my calves felt tight. I struggled going uphill and to top it off my mp3 player (set on all songs P!NK woo!) decided to give me every slow song Pink has. Epic Fail.

But then I turned around at the top of the hill. Stretched, took a breather and kept going. The slow songs finally ended and the tempo picked up. My legs finally warmed up and the road back got easier. My pace sped up and I finally felt good.

Why is it that it takes me freaken' FOREVER to get off my ass. And yet I feel great once I finish? Despite the rough starts, and besides the occasional knee or hip pain. (Gotta work on that.)

I don't know what's up, but I'm glad I got out today.

Accomplished!

Challenge Weigh In and dress pics on Sunday!

love
-w0rld

Apologies: I've Been AWOL

Hello Everyone,

Ok so I was supposed to post about my epic adventures last week. As well as a Weigh In and post my August weight. But I haven't.

All I could say is that I had (and am having) a bit of an emotional, off the wagon, mini break down these last couple of days and, in all honesty, I'm too ashamed to post my weight after what I did (a binge or two) or why I did it (mainly because I'm not really sure myself.)

This is really putting in to perspective how much I still have to learn about my emotional response to food, my subconscious sabotaging, and figuring out what exactly is wrong.

In all honesty I don't really know. I overall feel fine but a little bit empty. My creativity is a bit dry and I don't feel as lively or passionate as I used to be. This isn't to say I'm sad or depressed. I've been very happy for the most part.

But something is missing. And my old stand by of not dealing with it by shoving food down my throat is coming out.

I really need to reflect and work on me right now. I'll try to make up for going AWOL by posting pictures of my epic adventures last week but I think I'll give myself a break and NOT post my August weigh in. For now.

I will figure this out. Thanks for sticking with me. You have no idea how your comments and support have led me this far.

love
-w0rld

Weigh In: What is it that I'm doing?

Before I start. Here it is.

Current Weight: 200.6 (+3.4 lbs from last week. Sigh*)

Work Out Achievement(s): I woke up this morning in a great mood. I was worried about my weigh in but I was hopeful. When I read the scale my lights dimmed. The first thing in my head was "Can I blame this on that time of the month??" After vetoing that idea I took a second to stop and think.

Why do I over eat? What feelings am I trying to squash down? Why, after having a great loss did I "reward" myself by eating? Why did I keep eating when I knew I wasn't hungry? Why do I sabotage my weight loss efforts... and then complain that I'm not losing any weight?

I knew, KNEW that I was going to gain weight. And yet I always marvel at HOW MUCH weight I can gain in a few days. It's like I conduct experiments with myself to see how much I can get away with.

"I wonder if I can still lose weight if I eat this cookie and then go jogging later."

or

"Let's see, if I eat a huge bag of trail mix and then do a huge hike. Will I still lose, or at least maintain? Let's find out!"

I am NOT kidding. I guess after all this time I'm still trying to figure out how to 'cheat the system' or find out what the bare minimum I have to do is and still get results.

It's a bit sad isn't it? I don't want to give up the foods I love. And I know that people have told me that I don't have to give up foods I like, just learn portion control etc etc. But in all honesty that doesn't work for me. If I have my favorite food around I want to eat it.

Once I have a bite I want more. Learning to discipline myself is hard. I'd rather not have the food around at all. But then of course when I'm craving something like crazy I end up binging on everything else around me to compensate. It's all a balancing act I guess.

This is a hard battle. I now understand what people meant when they said losing weight was hard, and that the first 30 lbs are easy to lose.

-----------

Anyway it's safe to say my day did not start well. However I had a great day at work and that lifted my spirits. I caught a reflection of myself when I was walking past a store front window and I didn't see a fat girl. Instead I saw a healthy girl who needs to lose a few pounds.

I get a lot of time to people watch in my current job and I can see every type of body. From young and strapping, to skinny wraith, to plumpy, curvy, saggy, kiddy, and of course round and obese.

I saw a girl today that was the spitting image of what I used to look like 50 lbs ago. Down to the lazy pony tail and bad posture. Gorgeous woman believe me. She had a 'pretty face' ( <--- the dreaded backwards compliment I hated receiving constantly)and some rocking legs. But I looked at her and I saw what I absolutely REFUSE to go back to being. Large, unhappy yet pretending to be happy. Unhealthy and feeling like shit inside, except you don't know you feel like shit because you haven't felt anything else but that way. I am NOT that girl anymore.

I now know what it feels like to have an accomplishing post work out glow. I now know what it feels like to be "in shape" (for the most part). I now know that I have it in me to become healthier; without pills, diets, surgeries, or a gym membership even.

The thing I have to battle is my addiction to food. My relationship with food. I have focused most of my efforts, and most of this blog to learning how to become active. I have spent very little time worrying about and dealing with food.

The way I handle it is by eating what I want and killing myself with hard work outs to compensate. There is going to be a point where hiking 10 miles a day and swimming for hours just because I want to eat pizza, is not going to cut it anymore.

I need to become responsible for my own actions. I need a food goal streak.

(btw. I hiked 5 miles two days ago, including two miles of sprinting up and down steep slopes. It was awesome and I can't believe I ran up those rolling hills. That's my actual work out achievement. LOL)

Goal(s): This week is going to be about focusing on food. I am going to start reading up more on the Paleo diet but for now I'm going to try a loose paleo menu. I am going to focus on eating mostly unprocessed food. I'm going to work on eating fruit, vegetables and meat and seriously limit my intake of grains, cheeses and other processed foods.

In other words, if I can't find most of the ingredients from a nutrition label in a pantry or garden, I'm not going to eat it.

I will be eating this way for 10 days. Today was day one. We'll see.

Wish me luck! I'll check in in a couple of days!

love
-w0rld

Weigh In: Emotional Eating Won

Not even 7 a.m. and I was on the scale this morning reading what I could already see in the mirror and feel inside.

Current Weight: 202.2 lbs (+2.8 lbs)

Work Out Achievement(s): So apparently my couple of hikes, couple of runs and few crunches weren't enough to battle off the emotional eating I've been doing the last few days of ice cream, chocolate and fries.

Just last night I found myself going back to the kitchen for more fruit. The only problem is that for each serving I slathered on honey and cottage cheese. Way to make healthy food not so healthy.

It's time to do something drastic. Something to jump start me on the right track again though I'm not sure what. And being on an island I obviously can't go anywhere for guidance (which is kind of freaking me out a little bit).

Not to mention I made a mistake yesterday and now I'm paying the consequences.

In all honesty I'm stressed, I'm tired, and old habits are creeping up. It's like my mental defenses are being challenged and I'm caving.

I don't know exactly what I can do to re-start my weight loss progress but the few things I've tried don't seem to be working.

I realize that a lot of the things I do to lose weight are experimental. Some things work for a while and that's when I see the weight come off. Some things don't and that's when I hit plateaus or (like in this case) a bounce back on the scale. Sometimes it sucks being your own guinea pig.

I NEED to find my niche again. I need to figure this out. One thing is for sure I need to find a more stable and longer work out. Running every other day isn't enough.

God I miss the pool.

Goal(s): I'm going to try hiking everyday. After work I'm going to go for a hike. Most, if not all of the hikes around here are heavy inclines so I'm hoping that no matter what hike I do it'll be enough of a work out to get me going.

I'll have to be careful around here because it can get hot, and this place is dry and rocky. But I can do it. I'm going to have to to attempt to get this weight off.

And also, NO MORE ICE CREAM! That's really what did me in last week. Being in the middle of front street watching tourists eating ice cream, candy and etc all day long does not help my endurance.

I'm going to stop bringing money to work. If I don't have money to spend on junk food I can't have it right?

That's all for now. I'll check in later this week to see how my "go hiking and stop eating junk food" goals for the week are going.

Good luck to you and me!

love
-w0rld