On a Journey to Wellness

Come with me on my journey to losing weight, getting healthy and going out to meet the world head-on!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Getting Emotional During the Holidays

I didn't want to post about this. I don't feel comfortable admitting how emotional I can usually be, and especially don't mention how I get during the holidays.

I consider getting emotional to be a personal weakness. But then I have to think about WHY I feel that way? Why are tears running down my face, when my life is going so well? Why, when the company I keep right now is so amazing?

I won't go in to detail about what issues I might have. But it does bring in a lot of things that, usually, overweight  people have.

~Bleh to frustrations~
These feelings bring back my insecurities. They bring back my low self-esteem full force. I feel unwanted, unattractive, annoying,worthless... You know, all that fun stuff. To the point that I start feeling depressed and sorry for myself. And then I feel angry because I'm acting like a silly pity-party child.

I don't usually talk to people about it unless I trust them completely. And if I do talk about it, it's usually things on the surface and I never let people in deep enough to the root of whatever problem I might have.

Because I consider these feelings to be a weakness I don't like to think about it or deal with it most of the time.

But then, of course the way I end up dealing with is what? You guessed it: Emotional Eating. 

... when in reality all I need is a hug. But I refuse to ask for one. Isn't that silly? Talk about being stubborn.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to go back to emotional eating. I think I've grown to the point where I'm very aware of how I get, when I get that way and my actions toward it.

I think having that self awareness can work as a tool to keep me from the fridge. Writing this down now; out in the open where the public can read it, is also helpful and in my opinion, can be considered progress.

Hopefully one day I won't feel this way anymore. I don't want anyone's pity. I don't want any sort of sympathy or pat on the back. I might need it. But I don't want it. Does that make sense?

Did I over eat today? No actually. I did fine. I even got more than enough liquids in. It was great. The day was gorgeous. The company was nice. My roommates are amazing. I love where I live. I love what I'm doing right now. I'm getting goals accomplished.

But I'm missing something major. Something I'm afraid to ask for. Something I refuse to word out because I'm ashamed to ask for it.

I will not let food comfort me tonight. Instead I'm here. Writing this post and refusing to indulge in the lovely smells from the kitchen.

I'll stay in my room. I'll read my book. I'll brush my teeth. I'll go to bed. I'll feel better tomorrow morning.

Goodnight all.



Connie said...

*Hugz* We're here for you babe.

Jillian said...

I feel exactly the same way most of the time. I hate being emotional and showing what I consider to be weaknesses. Why can't everyone just KNOW when I need something? But, I'm starting to think that it's a sign of character to be able to show weakness. I heard a quote on Hoarders (of all horrendous trash tv to be quoting, haha) and the shrink said to the man, "It's not weak to feel things. it takes so much more strength to experience these feelings than to push them back down" (or something like that). It's usually a good reminder for me. I hope you start feeling better soon!