Weigh In: What is it that I'm doing?

Before I start. Here it is.

Current Weight: 200.6 (+3.4 lbs from last week. Sigh*)

Work Out Achievement(s): I woke up this morning in a great mood. I was worried about my weigh in but I was hopeful. When I read the scale my lights dimmed. The first thing in my head was "Can I blame this on that time of the month??" After vetoing that idea I took a second to stop and think.

Why do I over eat? What feelings am I trying to squash down? Why, after having a great loss did I "reward" myself by eating? Why did I keep eating when I knew I wasn't hungry? Why do I sabotage my weight loss efforts... and then complain that I'm not losing any weight?

I knew, KNEW that I was going to gain weight. And yet I always marvel at HOW MUCH weight I can gain in a few days. It's like I conduct experiments with myself to see how much I can get away with.

"I wonder if I can still lose weight if I eat this cookie and then go jogging later."

or

"Let's see, if I eat a huge bag of trail mix and then do a huge hike. Will I still lose, or at least maintain? Let's find out!"

I am NOT kidding. I guess after all this time I'm still trying to figure out how to 'cheat the system' or find out what the bare minimum I have to do is and still get results.

It's a bit sad isn't it? I don't want to give up the foods I love. And I know that people have told me that I don't have to give up foods I like, just learn portion control etc etc. But in all honesty that doesn't work for me. If I have my favorite food around I want to eat it.

Once I have a bite I want more. Learning to discipline myself is hard. I'd rather not have the food around at all. But then of course when I'm craving something like crazy I end up binging on everything else around me to compensate. It's all a balancing act I guess.

This is a hard battle. I now understand what people meant when they said losing weight was hard, and that the first 30 lbs are easy to lose.

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Anyway it's safe to say my day did not start well. However I had a great day at work and that lifted my spirits. I caught a reflection of myself when I was walking past a store front window and I didn't see a fat girl. Instead I saw a healthy girl who needs to lose a few pounds.

I get a lot of time to people watch in my current job and I can see every type of body. From young and strapping, to skinny wraith, to plumpy, curvy, saggy, kiddy, and of course round and obese.

I saw a girl today that was the spitting image of what I used to look like 50 lbs ago. Down to the lazy pony tail and bad posture. Gorgeous woman believe me. She had a 'pretty face' ( <--- the dreaded backwards compliment I hated receiving constantly)and some rocking legs. But I looked at her and I saw what I absolutely REFUSE to go back to being. Large, unhappy yet pretending to be happy. Unhealthy and feeling like shit inside, except you don't know you feel like shit because you haven't felt anything else but that way. I am NOT that girl anymore.

I now know what it feels like to have an accomplishing post work out glow. I now know what it feels like to be "in shape" (for the most part). I now know that I have it in me to become healthier; without pills, diets, surgeries, or a gym membership even.

The thing I have to battle is my addiction to food. My relationship with food. I have focused most of my efforts, and most of this blog to learning how to become active. I have spent very little time worrying about and dealing with food.

The way I handle it is by eating what I want and killing myself with hard work outs to compensate. There is going to be a point where hiking 10 miles a day and swimming for hours just because I want to eat pizza, is not going to cut it anymore.

I need to become responsible for my own actions. I need a food goal streak.

(btw. I hiked 5 miles two days ago, including two miles of sprinting up and down steep slopes. It was awesome and I can't believe I ran up those rolling hills. That's my actual work out achievement. LOL)

Goal(s): This week is going to be about focusing on food. I am going to start reading up more on the Paleo diet but for now I'm going to try a loose paleo menu. I am going to focus on eating mostly unprocessed food. I'm going to work on eating fruit, vegetables and meat and seriously limit my intake of grains, cheeses and other processed foods.

In other words, if I can't find most of the ingredients from a nutrition label in a pantry or garden, I'm not going to eat it.

I will be eating this way for 10 days. Today was day one. We'll see.

Wish me luck! I'll check in in a couple of days!

love
-w0rld