How Serious Am I?

Hello Everyone,

Yes, I've noticed I've been gone since before Christmas. No, I'm not dead. Yes, I have been indulging in way too many sweets. No, I haven't given up. I never will.

I admit I've been a bit disappointed in myself due to the number on the scale and how much I've been gaining this fall. The plateau this year really hit my me hard and my frustrations have been showing itself by the gut that's pushing to come back and the rising number I can't stand to look at but can't deny is there.

It makes a person think. This is the time of year where you start looking back at 2011 and see what you accomplished, what you hoped for, what goals didn't quite make it.

For me the thing that I've been looming over is of course my lack of weight loss this entire year. I had hoped to reach my goal weight this year and instead I got stuck in the 200's all year. I had a taste of ONEderland for a few blissful-yet-excruciatingly struggling months this summer. Yet I noticed that after my birthday in August (and my failure of losing the amount of weight I wanted by then) I felt myself slacking. With that light slack the weight started roaring back as if a tidal wave that I had been holding back with all my strength had finally won and plummeted me.

Try holding back this monster

You can say I'm currently soaked and struggling to get back on my feet. While I stumble I start to think;
"Do I want to get up?"
"Why do I want to get up?"
 "Am I willing to fight the next round of waves?"  
"How badly do I want this?"
"How serious am I?"


Negative thoughts have been coming back these last couple of weeks. How I'm a failure. I'm not disciplined. How I haven't accomplished anything this year. How I've ruined all the progress I made last year. How I'm lazy and a glutenous slob wasting my time.

But then I started looking at old family pictures of myself. I noticed that girl and her sad eyes. Her big cheeks and her bad posture. That miserable little girl with the non existent self-esteem who longed for a different life and a different body. The girl who lived in her head while she left her body to rot.

Then I see pictures of me now. The independent woman who has explored her own state more than she could have imagined. The woman who loves to hike, lives to dance, and smiles like she means it. LOL.

I look at the medication I have to take and how much better things have gotten since I "got serious" two years ago and decided to do something about my weight and my life.

I look at my current job and how much fun I'm having and how much more confident I am when it comes to work and my skills.

So did I ruin everything by gaining weight this year? HELL NO. My accomplishments out weigh the down falls 10 fold!

I am no longer that sad little fat girl anymore.

I am no longer her:

Fall 2007

but rather I am her:

Fall 2011

Still learning but with much more respect, confidence and overall liveliness in her.

There is no way I can allow a pity party when I have worked and gotten so far.

The journey must continue!

So I'm here.

I'll post another post a late 'Blog-aversary' post soon talking about my achievements of 2011 and my plans for 2012.

I'm already working on them and will reveal all soon!

Why? Because I'm serious about this journey. No matter how many times I fall, drenched with trembling knees from one of those 'tidal waves' I will get up and keep going.

Have a great end of 2011. May your year have been awesome and may 2012 bring more accomplishment.

love
-w0rld