I *want* to work out

Hey Everyone,

I've been AWOL again for a little while. Been camping out in the desert for work again, before that I went to Vegas (that's another story for another blog maybe) and I came home last Friday.

Although I have a few stories to tell this one is about working out.

Ever since I got home I've had this ever growing urge to *want* to work out. This isn't the same as before where I would feel guilty because I missed the gym that day, or we didn't walk enough miles during work and I felt I had to compensate.

This is about me wanting to feel stronger. I actually want to push myself and I want to sweat. It's crazy.

I knew the second I got home I would start reverting back to my old habits. I'm bored inside my house and I automatically move toward the kitchen to see what I could eat.

This time I HAVE been noticing my binging habits but at the same time I've been restless. I want to put on my tennis shoes, grab my mp3 player and go out walking. I want to take the dogs out, I want to go swimming... etc etc..

And I've been making excuses to not go out though.. some of them legitimate and some of them not so much. It's noon and I'm in the middle of suburbia. It's over 80 something degrees out and it's all pavement... I'm going to overheat. I can't walk the dogs because of the heat, but also because one of them doesn't have a collar (she broke it off) and the other one doesn't have a leash (he chew it down). Hell.

Every time I want to go swimming I'm in the middle of moving furniture outside, washing lawn chairs, or painting a fence in my house (we're intensive cleaning my backyard to get ready for my brothers wedding.. we're pack rats and everything is full of spiderwebs and dirt so this isn't an easy job.. or a one-day project either.. so yeah) and by the time I'm done I feel lazy and don't want to leave.

I've been to the gym once this weekend and I think I did pretty good. I did a combination of elliptical machine and the treadmill then upper body weights and crunches (I always do 100 crunches every time I go to the gym.. they're getting easier to do so I have to step it up..). Together I ended up doing about 4 miles, over 600 calories and a new mile record (14:27 min/mile and 30 min for 2 miles). It felt great.


I'm getting mad at myself for staying home when I could be going to the gym or walking around the neighborhood.. and it's so easy to just sit around and do nothing. It kind of pissed me off yesterday when I realized it was 9pm and I hadn't left the house at all.

Anyway the feeling of wanting to work out seems new. My current weight loss is starting to be noticeable and more and more people are noticing it.

The thing that hit me was that my older brother came over on Saturday (let's just say that me and older bro don't really get a long so now we just treat each other like semi-acquaintances) and even he commented on it: I walked in to the room and he just looks at me and says, "It's weird. You look weird now all skinny." I haven't been "skinny" since I was 5.

I kind of just peeled my eyes for a second. My mom laughs and my grandmother goes on about all the walking I do in the desert. I just shrug and say it's true, I walk a lot and show off my wrist watch tan line. My brother and I both nod. End of moment.

But that was a shocker. If even my brother mentions it than it must be obvious. In a way that's flattering. In another it's pressure. I have to keep it up and try my hardest not only to maintain the weight loss but keep losing.

You have to keep going. You can't give up. You must work harder.

That's my new motto "You must work harder." I repeat it every time someone mentions something. Every time I notice I walked up hill without my breath getting heavy. Every time I put on clothes I haven't worn for a while and notice the slight looseness. Every time I weight myself or turn up the speed in the treadmill. Every time I look at myself in the mirror and my slightly less round face.

You must work harder. You must work faster. You must work better. You must be stronger.

I laughed at myself once after I realized I sound like that Daft Punk song

LOL.. maybe that's where I got it unconsciously. LOL

The point of all this is that at this point in time I want to be stronger. I want to feel less winded. I want to be able to climb hills and carry heavy things without worrying.

I danced with my mom last night to help her with her new choreography number. When we finally added all the steps together and did the whole song I also noticed not only that I felt fine but I also noticed that at the same time my mom was perspiring, and breathing harder. I used to be that person.

All these things are reasons that drive me to want to work out. I'm noticing the results, the effects, the benefits of working out.

I like it.

Will it become an obsession??

I sure hope so.

I leave you with 2 songs I put on repeat when I'm running on a treadmill and slowly working up to 5mph:
The first one is the warm up sort of:


The second is more of the "let's step it up a notch":



both of them are pretty awesome in terms of beat but the message is pretty simple and awesome too.

Enjoy!!

love
-w0rld

My walk in Olancha CA--Pictures!

So in my last post I promised I would post the pics I took in my "2 hour walk" I took outside of the little motel my group stays at whenever we work in China Lake.

First of all let's learn a little bit about Olancha, CA. Olancha is this tiny little place on the map.. Population maybe 300 or something and it can't really be called a town in my opinion. The motel we stay at is as old as the gills and I keep telling people it's that little place in the middle of nowhere you pass in the middle of the night where you tell yourself "*snort* I'll never stay there!".. well that's where I was. LOL.. (don't get me wrong this is the 4th year I've been staying there and in all honesty it's kind of grown on me and I actually really love it..)

The place is just east of the Sierra Mtns and just south of the Crystal Geyser company (I get my CG water for free! It's called turn on the tap!)

Ok, so early on in the week we only had a half day and the boss suggested we take it easy and just take naps or something that day because we've been working so hard.

Any one that knows me knows I Do NOT take naps unless I REALLY need them so I was reluctant. I ended up eating a ton at lunch and felt like a pig. I had been feeling guilty because it had over a week since I'd been inside a gym and so I decided to take a jog-power walk in the dirt roads just beyond the hotel toward the edge of the mountains:

This is the road just outside our cabins/rooms that heads toward the Sierra Mtns. This is where I started my little sight seeing adventure. Gorgeous~

The road winded toward the north and I followed it while trying to power walk/jog.. This is what I saw on the way:

The road I was taking..


It was completely deserted.. absolutely no traffic

In reality I was walking around a rancher (horses) neighborhood but it just didn't seem like it since it was so spread out


awesomeness~

In the end I had probably stopped trying to exercise and started spending more time walking around trying to find cool angles and things to take pictures of.. so after about an hour where I walked until I met up with the hwy again I turned back and started walking back to the Ranch Motel.

I also had my mp3 player with me so I admit that I stopped in the middle of the road a few times to rock to some of my favorite songs.. what?! No one was out there (unless the ranchers were looking at me through binoculars) so who cares right? lol

I ended up going up hill a tiny bit to check out the California aqueduct that flowed right outside the motel:




and I also considered heading up toward the mountains a bit more but I changed my mind. The road was incredibly tempting though:


in the end I decided to go back to the motel. I was happy, walked out, danced out and my eyes had drunk up the greatness around me. I didn't even mind the cloudy day since it made the weather perfect for my little adventure

So I said goodbye to the aqueduct and returned back to my room. Where I spent the rest of the day taking a nap (lol.. yes yes I did but I deserved it. I was tired as hell at the end of the walk)and enjoyed my pictures. lol

Who says exercise has to be droll and boring?

love
-w0rld

ps. speaking of work outs I went to the gym this morning and it's confirmed that I'm 230 lbs and worked on cardio until I was drenched in sweat. Rock On!

Hello! I'm back for a sec/Weigh In

Hello Everyone~!

I've been away from the internets for a while and I haven't been able to update this blog. I also hadn't been able to be near a scale for about two weeks and I can tell you right now not knowing what your weight is was both a curse and a gift all rolled in to one.
It was a curse because I had no idea whether I was gaining or losing. I kept looking at my profile in the mirror and paying close attention to how tight or loosely clothes were fitting me to kind of measure how I was doing

It was a gift because it forced me to eat well or at least be conscious of what I ate BECAUSE I didn't know what my weight was AND it made me pay attention to other things besides weight like: how my clothes were fitting, how un-tired or un-winded I felt whenever I climbed hills every morning, or noticing the changes in the pictures I was taking and marveling at how noticeable the changes in my face and middle were to what I pictured earlier.

In the end, when I finally got home last night and when I finally stepped on to the house scale I was both happily surprised and yet not too surprised to find out that I had lost weight again.

So here brings us to the Weigh In part of things:

Current Weight: 230 lbs (I might even be in the 220's since the home scale is less reliable than the gym scale.. I'll be going to the gym tomorrow morning so I'll update again to see the difference)

Work Out Achievement(s): Like I've mentioned before I haven't had access to a scale or a gym in a lil while but I have been working my butt off (almost literally) in the field, walking miles every day.. and I even managed to go on a 2 hr leisure walk last Tuesday (which I'll post pictures of, it was soo beautiful) during a short work day.

I can also feel an internal change. I feel... calmer, happier, and simply healthier since I've started. It's partly because I'm finally doing the work that I love to do, partly that I'm getting to see the scenery and travel I've always wanted but I'm sure that a good part of it is because I'm programming myself to eating better, being more active and getting more energy because of it. Even though my face is completely tanned and sunburnt my skin even feels better. It's really amazing.

Goal(s): I'm going to be working in the field again in Nevada this summer. With people I don't know yet and in a terrain I'm not familiar with. I'm also planning on visiting atleast 3 or 4 Regional/National Parks (including Yosemite, Tahoe, Sequoia and the Grand Canyon) this year and summer and I need to start going out on regular hikes and light backpacking to condition myself for the kind of trips I want to take there and in the future. This is really important for me both for my personal escapades but also for my job. I need to be in shape to be in the field. I need to have strong arms and be able to carry large amounts of materials, and hike up hill, and swim in rivers and etc if I want to stay in this career path. I want these new Nevada people to get to know me as the "funny California girl" not "the fat chick from L.A."
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There's my Weigh In. Throughout these last couple of weeks I've been thinking of different themed posts to do for this blog but since I didn't have time or wifi to do it they've all kind of moved to the back burner and as I get time to post I'll update; however, I realized that I still hadn't posted an official profile picture.. you know the one where people stand in front of the camera and then stand to the side to show off what they looked like. So I thought I'd finally do it. Better late than never:


This is me today, May 18, 2010 at 230 lbs. I asked my lil sister to take this picture of me and she made me laugh.. can you tell? lol

Here's the side view:

One thing I'm in constant battle with is my posture. I tend to slouch and just standing straight makes such a HUGE difference. I can't remember if I remembered to stand up straight in this picture but I don't think my posture is too bad right there.

I can see the difference in myself. And knowing that I've lost weight and that *I* can see the difference, it makes more comfortable in showing it by not hiding under my jackets or simply by telling myself to stop making excuses about my weight to my coworkers. One of the people that I was working with last week also has a weight problem and I noticed how many times he would mention it and would defend himself when we got ready to hike; "I used to be much thinner than this.. I can do it it's just going to take me a little while.. Oh man I'm definitely going to lose weight after all this. Wooo! That was a work out." All this I've been guilty of saying before.. when no one asked. Even though no one was really judging me. I felt so self conscious that I kept trying to defend myself even though the only person attacking me was myself.

I also noticed how saying things like that didn't actually help him make a better image for himself. In the contrary it just brought more and more attention to his weight when, if he hadn't said anything in the first place, I wouldn't have cared or noticed as much.

I'm going to try my hardest to stop making excuses for my weight during work. I am who I am and I don't have to defend myself to anyone over my physical skills. I'm going to simply do what I do best and I'll let my actions decide their judgements. Let them watch me as I keep up with the group easily. Carry a 50 lb bag over my shoulder like nobody's business and climb boulders like a mountain goat. THEN they can judge me.

I'll leave you guys with this last picture. My lil sister told me to "strike a pose Nina!"

Well I did.



Have a great week everyone! I'll post again tomorrow since it'll be the only time I have access for another week or so I think~

love
-w0rld

Every High Must Come Down

So today is supposed to be my Weigh In day. But since I'm working in the desert and the nearest gym is 30 miles away.. I doubt I'll be able to find a scale. I also refuse to weigh myself in the middle of the day now since I drink about a gallon of water and etc..(and I made the mistake of doing that earlier last week in a non-Weigh In day) and although the fluctuation in the scale is minimal I need to have the most "accurate" weight or else I'll freak out. So all this means, No Weigh In.. for now.

I'm noticing that lately my moods have been soo dependent on the scale that it's scaring me a little bit. I lose weight, I'm in the clouds. I feel confident. I think I look great and in reaction to that I look great (it's all mental right? lol)

But then the scale changes. Or I look at a recent picture of myself... and the world comes crashing down.

The scale shows a bigger number. Did I gain weight? Is it because it's a different scale? Is it because it's evening and I just drank a ton of water? Are my clothes too heavy? What did I eat?

All the excuses aside I start feeling like a giant float. I feel heavy and ugly. I'm self conscious and my self esteem plummets. All my negative thoughts come back and because I feel like shit, I look like shit (it's all mental right??)

The way I feel affects the way I interact with others and how I do my work. I smile less, joke less and become more and more quiet. When I'm quiet I'm free to think and all my thoughts are negative.

Why do I do this to myself?

I've lost weight. I'm eating better. I'm out in the field and it's easier for me to climb a large hill. My clothes are looser. I'm getting compliments. I'm still a good person... and yet I berate myself and treat myself soo badly.

I keep telling myself all these good things I've done, or accomplished but they're tiny little pebbles thrown into a black hole of darkness and negativity.

I can't act like this! I know I'll work harder and lose the weight. I know I'll be in the clouds again.

I need to find a positive outlet to my frustrations and stop letting it consume me. It's scary how quickly my happy world goes down. I have to learn how to cope better.

Be better.

I will do it. Hopefully this will pass soon and I'll be happy once again.

Just writing this down feels like I'm releasing something and even now there's a flicker of brightness coming back.

Thanks.

-w0rld