On a Journey to Wellness

Come with me on my journey to losing weight, getting healthy and going out to meet the world head-on!

LilySlim - Weight loss

Monday, May 3, 2010

Every High Must Come Down

So today is supposed to be my Weigh In day. But since I'm working in the desert and the nearest gym is 30 miles away.. I doubt I'll be able to find a scale. I also refuse to weigh myself in the middle of the day now since I drink about a gallon of water and etc..(and I made the mistake of doing that earlier last week in a non-Weigh In day) and although the fluctuation in the scale is minimal I need to have the most "accurate" weight or else I'll freak out. So all this means, No Weigh In.. for now.

I'm noticing that lately my moods have been soo dependent on the scale that it's scaring me a little bit. I lose weight, I'm in the clouds. I feel confident. I think I look great and in reaction to that I look great (it's all mental right? lol)

But then the scale changes. Or I look at a recent picture of myself... and the world comes crashing down.

The scale shows a bigger number. Did I gain weight? Is it because it's a different scale? Is it because it's evening and I just drank a ton of water? Are my clothes too heavy? What did I eat?

All the excuses aside I start feeling like a giant float. I feel heavy and ugly. I'm self conscious and my self esteem plummets. All my negative thoughts come back and because I feel like shit, I look like shit (it's all mental right??)

The way I feel affects the way I interact with others and how I do my work. I smile less, joke less and become more and more quiet. When I'm quiet I'm free to think and all my thoughts are negative.

Why do I do this to myself?

I've lost weight. I'm eating better. I'm out in the field and it's easier for me to climb a large hill. My clothes are looser. I'm getting compliments. I'm still a good person... and yet I berate myself and treat myself soo badly.

I keep telling myself all these good things I've done, or accomplished but they're tiny little pebbles thrown into a black hole of darkness and negativity.

I can't act like this! I know I'll work harder and lose the weight. I know I'll be in the clouds again.

I need to find a positive outlet to my frustrations and stop letting it consume me. It's scary how quickly my happy world goes down. I have to learn how to cope better.

Be better.

I will do it. Hopefully this will pass soon and I'll be happy once again.

Just writing this down feels like I'm releasing something and even now there's a flicker of brightness coming back.




Brandon McCloskey said...

Your doing great Elina! ... We are our own worst enemy and critic. Believe me I know for all too long I've convinced myself I'm ugly and unworthy of love. But lately I've turned it around a little and I'm getting better.

In regards to the scale. Oh the scale my nemesis lol. The one at the gym which is an old school counter weight scale depending on how I stand on it I'm between 285-330!! Crazy. My digital one at home is a little better but it wants me to believe I'm 330 lbs. Given that it showed my 4 lbs weight loss last week I'm going with that one.

As self conscious as I might be I weigh myself on that one at home wearing little to nothing and I weigh myself first thing in the morning which is considered the "driest weight" because throughout the night we lose alot of water.

Keep up the good work! :-)

ShayLuv said...

It shall pass...

I'm on the same page as you right now... the standoff against the scale...

I'm feeling good about my weight right now and how I look.. but I'm afraid the scale might tell a different story, so I'm voluntarily avoiding it lol. It's just the ups and downs of weight loss journey and it shall pass...

Don't fall short now... keep up the good progress Elina!!

Smile =)

w0rld4vamps said...

Thanks you guys. I am definitely feeling much better already. "This too shall pass." During these times I just try to at least do the little things. Like try and drink enough water, or just keep up with my coworkers when we're hiking around. It's been helping. I'm good.

<3 <3 <3