So today is supposed to be my Weigh In day. But since I'm working in the desert and the nearest gym is 30 miles away.. I doubt I'll be able to find a scale. I also refuse to weigh myself in the middle of the day now since I drink about a gallon of water and etc..(and I made the mistake of doing that earlier last week in a non-Weigh In day) and although the fluctuation in the scale is minimal I need to have the most "accurate" weight or else I'll freak out. So all this means, No Weigh In.. for now.
I'm noticing that lately my moods have been soo dependent on the scale that it's scaring me a little bit. I lose weight, I'm in the clouds. I feel confident. I think I look great and in reaction to that I look great (it's all mental right? lol)
But then the scale changes. Or I look at a recent picture of myself... and the world comes crashing down.
The scale shows a bigger number. Did I gain weight? Is it because it's a different scale? Is it because it's evening and I just drank a ton of water? Are my clothes too heavy? What did I eat?
All the excuses aside I start feeling like a giant float. I feel heavy and ugly. I'm self conscious and my self esteem plummets. All my negative thoughts come back and because I feel like shit, I look like shit (it's all mental right??)
The way I feel affects the way I interact with others and how I do my work. I smile less, joke less and become more and more quiet. When I'm quiet I'm free to think and all my thoughts are negative.
Why do I do this to myself?
I've lost weight. I'm eating better. I'm out in the field and it's easier for me to climb a large hill. My clothes are looser. I'm getting compliments. I'm still a good person... and yet I berate myself and treat myself soo badly.
I keep telling myself all these good things I've done, or accomplished but they're tiny little pebbles thrown into a black hole of darkness and negativity.
I can't act like this! I know I'll work harder and lose the weight. I know I'll be in the clouds again.
I need to find a positive outlet to my frustrations and stop letting it consume me. It's scary how quickly my happy world goes down. I have to learn how to cope better.
I will do it. Hopefully this will pass soon and I'll be happy once again.
Just writing this down feels like I'm releasing something and even now there's a flicker of brightness coming back.