On a Journey to Wellness

Come with me on my journey to losing weight, getting healthy and going out to meet the world head-on!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Dissecting the Cause of my Irritability

 Disclamer: This post is not meant to instill sympathy, pity, or guilt. I understand that everyone has problems and their own opinions. This post is meant to help me deal with mine.

In other words, I think I'm stressed out. I've mentioned before that I don't know I'm stressed out until I start getting dreams about rotting teeth or I start to notice my irritability and hermit-ness. I also think it's been building up and these last couple of weeks have kind of pushed me to the edge. It could be a combination of things. I felt it would be easier for me to dissect these by writing them down.

What's gone wrong:
1. My finances aren't getting better. I would have thought that by the time I reached my late 20's I wouldn't have to live paycheck to paycheck, but I feel more poor now than when I was in college.

2. My food in take isn't improving. I still have trouble finding the best way to control my overeating and food choices but I haven't been able to stay consistent. I self sabotage all the time and I'm feeling hopeless in that department.

I'm very, very tired...
3. My training isn't getting any better. I continue to lose drive while I'm running. I'm running SLOWER than before. My cycling isn't getting easier. I get frustrated because my poor old, cheap bike has issues with the gears and I sometimes can't change gears at all. Because of my car trouble I've missed at least 3 swimming sessions and the whole reason I decided to do this triathlon was to force myself to return to the pool.

4. Until recently my car had been out of commission. Three weeks without a car, especially when it's your source of escape and sanity, has been causing me stress.

5. I've lost patience and tolerance for some aspects of my living situation. I get irritated easier and have less clemency for other peoples mood swings. The fact that I live and work with my housemates, and the fact that I didn't have a car these last few weeks, assured me that I was stuck with dealing with my own emotions over my co-workers and therefore made me explode and become overly emotional more than once.

6. Romantic relationships are a new concept for me and they're confusing. Enough said.

7. I'm not losing weight. Not as much as I'd hoped anyway.

8. My health and my skin condition started acting up again. I'm tired of having chronic conditions that cause pain and discomfort.


Now, believe it or not, I'm not one to wallow in my own sadness and I don't believe in acting like a victim. I try my best to be responsible for my own problems and after years of resisting it, I have learned to confront my emotions and ask for help when I need it. It's still hard to ask though.

Thankfully a recent conversation with one of my co-workers opened my eyes on how affected, emotional and stressed I've become. It opened my eyes to what was actually going on with me and not until this moment did I finally take the time to really stop and reflect on what I need to do to get better.

I admit a part of it might have to do with my training. I suddenly jumped from not doing much to training 6 days a week and trying new things like trail running, cycling, and conquering hills. I'm getting tired faster and I feel like I need more coaching and support but don't know how and where to get it.

Another thing has to do with my life being in transition.... again. I'm attempting to change and advance my career. Which means another move and new work territory... again. I feel like I'm meant to be a leader but having to change career paths and jobs forces me to start from the bottom over and over again. I sometimes feel like I'm doomed to be in a beginner position forever. I'm exaggerating of course but sometimes it really feels that way.

Feeling like a penny in the land of quarters.
Being a person of color in a 'white' world is sometimes exhausting. Listening to other people's backgrounds and privileges (which most of them do or don't realize are privileges) and having to explain my background over and over again sometimes causes me discomfort and uneasiness. Not only that but I've been working with this group for years that I now also feel out of place when I'm back home. It's like I'm a centaur. Neither the humans or horses accept me and I feel out of place no matter where I go. The fact that I'm also working class and my possessions aren't always of the highest quality I get irritated when I see people mistreat or not value their own possessions. I am happy that I have a car and a bike and I don't need to hear about how they're both crap. I have what I have and I'm thankful for it.

So I've decided to something about my situation. Now that I wrote them all down it's time to see what's going well. Because things ARE getting better.

How things are getting better:

1. Finances: I'm working out a budget. I've done my taxes and am expecting a return that will help me. I have awesome parents that are helping me in any way they can. My credit score has actually gone up and that will help me a lot in the near future.

2. Food: I know my trigger foods and I know what calorie range I can be in that will help me lose weight but not make me feel like I'm starving. I just have to take it in small steps.

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3. Training: I went to the bookstore today. I counted out my pennies and decided to buy The Triathlete's Training Bible by Joe Friel. I feel like this will give some sort of ground and help to continue with my training. When I read the introduction it explained how it's normal for athletes to suddenly feel very tired and how they require a lot of sleep. I no longer feel bad that I'm ready for bed at 8:45pm.

4. Car: I have the most amazing father in the world. He came up the mountain during the week specifically to repair my car. I owe him love, devotion, gratitude and money and I plan to give him all of this with interest!

5. House: After addressing my concerns to the house, and then having individual conversations with other people I have better insight on people's situations and the house dynamic. I think I now have an idea on how to address my own issues with the house without getting so worked up again.

...but not all is lost and things are getting better.
6. Relationship: I adore the man I'm with and he doesn't think too badly of me either. That is a fact that I remind myself often. It helps me when I get confused or frustrated and feel like I'm 15 years old.

7. Weight loss: I have lost some weight. I also notice that the person in the mirror stands up straight more often. I also no longer wake up in the morning feeling sluggish. I feel pretty alert and ready to go. If that's not a sign of fitness I'm not sure what is.

8.Health:  BECAUSE my skin condition is a chronic one, not only do I know exactly what I need to do to treat myself but I have all the tools to do it. My skin looks much better than it did two weeks ago.

I know this was a long and not so happy post but these are the things that happen and I need to address them. The best ways I address things are by writing them down. The best way I can own up to them is by making them public and taking responsibility for my actions. It's the reason for this blog. It's the reason why I haven't given up on myself yet. I am strong even though I don't really feel it today. This is the best way I know how to move on from struggle.

I'm excited for my new book and hope it'll help me to get back in to gear with my training. I like the fact that it addresses the reader as an "athlete". I've never considered myself an athlete or even a fit person, but I like the idea that I can become one.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend. Take care of yourselves and I hope you're reaching your goals.



Princess Dieter aka Mir said...

I think it's good that you assessed, broke it down, and set down ideas of what to do. It's a way to move toward things you want, right?

I'm a bi-racial (well, tri-racial if mom's Native Caribbean background is taken into account). I've been called names. I was told I was not welcome into a boyfriend's house cause I was a "dirty Cuban". Yes, called "spic" by total strangers.

I dunno why this crap persists in the world.

I also lived in the ghetto, with my poor, hard-working immigrant parents, dreaming of one day having nicer stuff. Then I grew up and got some nicer stuff, but in the end, I realize in this country we want too much stuff and materialism doesn't lead to happiness. It leads to wanting more and more and wasting more and more.

We spend too much. Eat too much. Sleep around too much. Don't save enough. We get all tangled up in stuff and status and the pursuit of shallow things...it affects us all.

I would add that even the folks who don't think we have the privileges--we have the privileges. Considering the GLOBAL situation, even our nation's poor are very fortunate. It's weird to think that, when life is such a struggle for so many, but a struggle here is different than a struggle where hope is in short supply and exploitation, torture, poverty are the norm.

As someone who has had health issues since, well, forever, and how that has affected my sense of self --let's say I had nearly zip self-esteem in childhood and low self-esteem for a goodly part of my life over it--having these conditions amkes folks either be a lot more empathetic and compassionate, or makes folks bitter and nasty and envious. Seems to be those two extremes. Just keep hoping and shaping the future you dream of, keep putting out the love and faith, and keep remembering that having LESS has made you appreciate things others would snort at. Gratitude is one way to be happy, cause there are plenty of folks with every luxury who end up killing themselves or living dark and bitter lives. They forget to look around with wonder and appreciation.

Let's plug on and be better than--or even because of-- our hardships, right?


Anonymous said...

Very pleased to see the recognition that anybody reading this is probably privileged on a global scale. Especially people who graduated from private colleges, hint hint.