Two weeks since my first triathlon and you would think I would have gotten some sort of life epiphany after the event. That hasn't happened. In reality I feel like something is missing. I didn't feel like I gave it my all that day and I regret it. I had so much self doubt up to the event, and even during the event that I was more scared about finishing the thing than I was about pushing myself or enjoying myself.
I also thought I would lose weight. I didn't lose a lot of weight and the little I lost I think I've regained in these last two weeks.
Sigh, it really goes to show that weight loss and self worth is more of a mental challenge. I need to figure out how I can get back to feeling good about myself and really taking control of my eating.
Today I was belaying (helping people rock climb by holding the rope that supports them). After we finished helping kids climb we gave parents a chance to try it. I helped a woman that seemed maybe late 40's/ early 50's and maybe 150 lbs climb up our tower. She easily made it to the top, with minimal exertion. I helped her down, congratulated her and took her off belay. She exclaimed that she was out of shape. I automatically responded with "Neither am I." and "I don't think I've ever been in shape."
Right after I said that a part of me yelled in my head, "You just did a triathlon! You hike a half mile in 15 minutes! You can hike up hills in 90 degree weather! You can touch past your toes easily, and carry around large packs! What do you mean you're out of shape?"
But I guess that's the point. I can do all these things and yet I haven't been able to get the body I've been dreaming of. I still can't run faster than a mile in 12 minutes. I still can't ride a bike without almost bursting in to tears for fear of going downhill in a rocky trail. I still can't climb a rock or dance without getting tired.
I still have that image in my head that I can't call myself fit unless I look the part. If I'm not a size in the single digits. If I don't have muscle definition. If I don't have the right curves. etc etc If I don't have any of these things it means I'm not fit. And if I'm not fit than everything I've done so far doesn't count.
It's not true and I know it. But I have such a hard time accepting it. I know people that don't have model bodies that have achieved some amazing things. I know they're strong and fit and wonderful people. If I were to tell them that because they don't have a 6 pack or a size 0 waist than they're failures that would be ridiculous! But if someone were to say that to me, I wouldn't believe them. (I don't actually think being a size 0 is the right size for me. It's just an exaggerated example to make a point).
I need to wrap my head around all of this and figure myself out. It's frustrating and I don't know exactly where to start. I guess I can just start by taking care of my health as much as I can.
Good luck to everyone,
-w0rld
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