On a Journey to Wellness

Come with me on my journey to losing weight, getting healthy and going out to meet the world head-on!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Why am I so... angry???

I'm usually a positive person. I swear I am! But these last few weeks, I've been upset, stressed, angry, impatient, and worst of all I've been so MEAN to myself.

All the negative thoughts I've been fueling recently have all gone back to their favorite hobby. Putting myself down. Every time I see my reflection I have a disgusting frown. I convince myself I've gained 15 lbs every day. I pull my hair, pull up my pants, stand up straight and suck it in and then get angry when I let my gut go. I can't stand to look at my flabby arms. I detest my large thighs. I even started getting upset whenever my hair decided to get frizzy. My hair is ALWAYS frizzy! It's part of it's charm (lol). Why am I getting upset over these things? They're nothing new...

I know I'm upset because my original goals were ruined when I let myself get injured and couldn't run anymore. I know I'm upset because I was noticing the scale go up, Up, UP and I didn't start taking my health seriously enough to stop eating the next order of fries. I know I'm upset because I'm learning this new job and it's a lot of responsibility and I can get angsty trying to remember every little detail in our itinerary. and..

In my head I know I'm wrong. I know that I still weigh well under when I started. I know that I'm just upset and because I know I've been active and eating right I know there's very little chance I've gained any more weight (though I'm still very doubtful about the weight loss. But I'm hopeful!). I know that my flabby arms are now more skin than fat and I just have to start strength training more to try and tone them. I know I am active. I marvel at how well I can go up hills, walk quickly, squat, get up, jump and stretch.

This week I've been paying close attention to my food intake and luckily our schedule is so packed I don't even have time to over snack. LOL. I have been making time to go to the hotels fitness center and I've spent quality time with the elliptical and cycling  machines. I've even gotten a few chances to swim! Oooh swimming. It really is a bliss to have. All my worries, stress, anger simply float away when I'm swimming. I feel like all my frustrations about my health and my weight simply go away because I KNOW by swimming I'm doing something about it. Plus I love it!

But the bliss only lasts so long and the next morning I'm back to criticizing my reflection. I think what I really need is a break. I never took much of a break after finishing work in the mountain. I was jaded and upset when I left. So done with working there for the moment that I needed a breather. But I didn't get one because less than 48 hours after I left there I started this new job. (which is a great job by the way but a little stressful.) I needed a break. A time to relax and just let go. Maybe I'll get that this weekend? I hope so. I seriously hope so.

~Beautiful day in San Francisco~
On the bright side this job is amazing. The students I work with are a fantastic group of kids and my two co-workers are veterans and have been amazing at helping me keep things in check and keep the day rolling smoothly. Yesterday was an amazing day because we spent it going to Muir Beach and Muir woods (probably one of the prettiest places in the west coast) and after we spent some time checking out and taking pictures of the Golden Gate Bridge. Not only that but the weather decided to be nice to us and there was no fog! We could see the bridge perfectly! It was awesome.

Things are getting better. I just hope I can start forgiving my reflection and start loving myself again. I owe my body that. I owe my mind that. I can do this.


1 comment:

Nanette said...

I'm glad you can recognize that crappy thought pattern. That is so hard to change sometimes... I get stuck there too every once in a while and eat knowing but not caring about the effect on my goals and overall health.

You're a strong woman, lady. You've made it this far. You can keep going.