All the negative thoughts I've been fueling recently have all gone back to their favorite hobby. Putting myself down. Every time I see my reflection I have a disgusting frown. I convince myself I've gained 15 lbs every day. I pull my hair, pull up my pants, stand up straight and suck it in and then get angry when I let my gut go. I can't stand to look at my flabby arms. I detest my large thighs. I even started getting upset whenever my hair decided to get frizzy. My hair is ALWAYS frizzy! It's part of it's charm (lol). Why am I getting upset over these things? They're nothing new...
I know I'm upset because my original goals were ruined when I let myself get injured and couldn't run anymore. I know I'm upset because I was noticing the scale go up, Up, UP and I didn't start taking my health seriously enough to stop eating the next order of fries. I know I'm upset because I'm learning this new job and it's a lot of responsibility and I can get angsty trying to remember every little detail in our itinerary. and..
In my head I know I'm wrong. I know that I still weigh well under when I started. I know that I'm just upset and because I know I've been active and eating right I know there's very little chance I've gained any more weight (though I'm still very doubtful about the weight loss. But I'm hopeful!). I know that my flabby arms are now more skin than fat and I just have to start strength training more to try and tone them. I know I am active. I marvel at how well I can go up hills, walk quickly, squat, get up, jump and stretch.
This week I've been paying close attention to my food intake and luckily our schedule is so packed I don't even have time to over snack. LOL. I have been making time to go to the hotels fitness center and I've spent quality time with the elliptical and cycling machines. I've even gotten a few chances to swim! Oooh swimming. It really is a bliss to have. All my worries, stress, anger simply float away when I'm swimming. I feel like all my frustrations about my health and my weight simply go away because I KNOW by swimming I'm doing something about it. Plus I love it!
But the bliss only lasts so long and the next morning I'm back to criticizing my reflection. I think what I really need is a break. I never took much of a break after finishing work in the mountain. I was jaded and upset when I left. So done with working there for the moment that I needed a breather. But I didn't get one because less than 48 hours after I left there I started this new job. (which is a great job by the way but a little stressful.) I needed a break. A time to relax and just let go. Maybe I'll get that this weekend? I hope so. I seriously hope so.
|~Beautiful day in San Francisco~|
Things are getting better. I just hope I can start forgiving my reflection and start loving myself again. I owe my body that. I owe my mind that. I can do this.