More than a weight loss blog, I've been using this blog to try and become a healthier person. Healthy means physically as well as psychologically and emotionally. Although the scale has not moved as far as I would have hoped these last almost 4 years many things have gotten better.
My self esteem has improved quite a bit (I still have a lot to go so certain friends remind me).
My self worth has blossomed immensely. (YES, I do deserve better pay. Yes, I should be taken seriously. Yes, I am a professional and a good person.)
I can look at myself in the mirror naked... and be comfortable with what I see. (Look, it almost looks like I have a waist now!)
I am less self conscious when meeting others and don't always automatically wonder if my weight will affect their first impression of me. (I sometimes wonder if I have something in my teeth, or if I should stand or sit when I shake their hand.)
I have come a long way these last few years. I have a lot more to go. I still wonder if my weight is making a bad impression. I am still looking for that career that will pay my bills and I don't have to worry if I can afford this coffee at Starbucks. And I am still no where near ready to be a nude model, and there is only one person allowed to see me in my birthday suit and that's the person I share my bed with.
Most of all, I am still unhappy with my body and I struggle to accept it. I want to feel happy being in my own skin and owning my curves and my curly hair, but every time I read an article on how big women (and men) should be happy the way they are I instinctively disagree.
I agree that negative comments, self hatred, unhealthy diets or comparing yourself to others is wrong. However I can't agree with just accepting my body as is. The whole point of my journey is that my body is unhealthy. My weight has given me a disorder that has made my life hell. My bad habits affect me mentally and physically and having these extra pounds are taking years from my life. I AM NOT OK WITH THAT. I cannot accept that.
I can work on accepting that I am not ugly (something else I'm still working on.) or completely unattractive. I can understand that having confidence in oneself is necessary. I can "love" myself. But loving my love handles? No. Loving that my measurements are 44"x 41" x 46", aka a box and therefore no womanly curves? No. Loving that my arms are still not strong enough to lift me or that my belly fat is guaranteeing future heart problems and diabetes? NO.
And if I didn't have these dissatisfactions I wouldn't work to get better. I would let myself live with PCOS, a pile of skin problems and diabetes. NO!
So although I want to accept myself as I am... Although I want to be happy being me... Although I keep looking for articles to better myself and my body image, self esteem, self worth etc I just can't be satisfied with my body as is. I am not saying that I want to morph my body in to a Barbie form, or that I compare myself to others. But despite no longer cringing away from the naked girl in the mirror, I want more. What I see is potential. Potential to be better. I'm not there yet.
So the question I keep having is how can I get to be that 'happy in my own skin' person while I continue to work at improving my body and my health? How can I do both? I don't know.