So I'll be heading out to start a new field job in Nevada tomorrow morning. I'm actually pretty nervous. Everything is going to be completely new. New job working in a field I haven't had much experience with. Heading to and working in a new area I've never been to. Working with people I've never met.
I haven't forgotten the promise I've made myself to not mention my weight like it's some sort of handicap and to continue to think of myself in a positive and capable light instead of focusing on the things I don't know or can't do. (Psshh I can do anything right? Right!)
But I admit right now I've always been nervous about people meeting me and thinking I'm "too fat" to be working with them. (I've had these feelings all my life not just with field work but for everything. Which is ridiculous if you think about it. How can someone be too fat to work in a library, or sell a product? But in today's world image and sex sells and the less attractive person has a harder time getting through the door, whether it's because of the employers prejudice and/or the persons low self esteem.)
We have to remember here you guys that I'm trying to go through a "wellness" journey. Not just a weight loss journey. That means that there is a lot more to get fixed and work through than just the number of pounds on the scale. I have to work through years and years of low self esteem and self worth. Years of self inflicting negative thoughts and images. Years of hiding behind food to comfort me in bad situations and stress.
As I work through all these different things I have to constantly remind myself that I am worth getting to know. That I am smart, funny and just plain awesome. That I am a girl and that somewhere inside all that flab is a confident and strong woman. I have to remind myself that I'm human and goddammit I should look and feel sexy when I want to. (Yes. I said it!)
I have to remember all the times that I said no to things because I was too shy or ashamed to go out with friends. When I made excuses to stay home instead of socialize because I hated not only the way I looked but who I was and "who wants to meet me anyway". I have to remind myself of times I've felt overlooked or invisible. I have to do this so that I can learn from those times and move past them.
Yes they happened. Yes I was in a self hating bubble. But I'm older now. I'm working toward getting better now. I'm moving on with my life and taking all these bad situations and taking the good things too.
We have to remember that we make mistakes and 'fall off horses' (though I've never done that literally and I hope I never do because falling off a horse seems very painful and downright dangerous!) I promised myself that I won't let all those things stop me from getting to meet new people and make new friends.
I won't let these nerves I have stop me from getting excited over getting to see new places, take new pictures and learn new things.
Being fat is not a death wish. It's an obstacle we have to go through to find who we really are. It's the obstacle *I* have to go through anyway.
The point of all this is that I've been getting pretty angsty about this new job and all my old thoughts and doubts about myself started popping up again.
I needed to write this down mainly to convince MYSELF of everything I just said. I decided to write it in this blog because it's something I have to go through to keep on my "journey". And what's the point of keeping this blog if it isn't to write in the good stuff, the bad stuff and everything in between.
I can do this. I Will do this. And it'll be great!
Wish me luck!