On a Journey to Wellness

Come with me on my journey to losing weight, getting healthy and going out to meet the world head-on!

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Third Blog-aversary: What happened?

Three years. It's been three years since I started this blog. My first year, 2010, I titled the "Just Do It" year where I finally got off my butt and moved toward a healthier lifestyle. It went great. In 2011 the second year was the "Year of Risk Taking" and looking back at last years blog-aversary post it definitely was just that. Many new things and many new risks happened that year. That year was also the year I went to my lowest weight which was 199 lbs.

This year turned out to be the year of "Try, Fail, Repeat." I'm not saying the whole year was a failure but I happened to get ahead of myself, tried out different things and they just didn't end up turning out the way I wanted. Another name for 2012 could be "Maintain, Maintain, Maintain". After a while I started believing weight loss was impossible and all I focused on was maintaining my weight.

Last holiday season I went on a huge binge and gained 15 pounds in the two weeks. That made my starting weight for 2012 at 224 lbs. Throughout the year I managed to maintain between 215-220 lbs. I think the lowest I was able to get was 212 which was two weeks ago. One week later and I was back at 215 lbs.

What have I been doing all this year? In the beginning I started running more and even ran my first 10k race. Soon after however I injured my foot and spent the entire summer taking it easy and not running. Once the fall came around my motivation had waned and I did the bare minimum I needed to simply maintain my weight and not gain anymore. Since running seemed like the only exercise I could do and I couldn't even do that well (my mentality once I injured my foot) I felt like I was in a rut. I noticed that I kept making excuses all the time. 
Getting annoyed with the wrong people.

"If only I had a pool."
"If the dining hall would just cook less greasy food."
"If they'd stop baking cookies all the time!"
"If I could just have the time to cook my own food."
"If running weren't so boring."
etc etc

I realized even as I said it that I was simply unhappy with what I had and instead of trying to work with it and focusing on healthy habits I kept reminiscing on the 'good old days' where I was losing 5 lbs a week, had access to a kitchen and my own food, full access to a pool, and hiked every day all day.

To add to that weight loss was no longer my priority. This year I gained something else that ended up taking my complete attention and priority. This is going to sound horrible but it was men. More specifically one man.
So fat people can have love too??
 Before I lost weight my self esteem was non existent and not only did I believe that no person would find me attractive but I also believed that any person that was overweight wouldn't be able to find someone. It would therefore baffle me when I would see men and women my size or bigger having a great time on dates, moving in with significant others, getting married and having children. It BAFFLED me! I wanted to learn their secret, because of course it had to be a trick. I eventually had to learn that people are beautiful in different forms. I had to learn that confidence was sexy. I had to learn to love myself and love my body first before I could find someone to agree with me.

Once I started losing weight the confidence came with it. By the time the end of 2011 rolled around I felt like a new person. And people noticed; more specifically men noticed. I found one that caught my eye and I've been spending time with him every moment that I can. Friends who have witnessed me gush about it must be sick of hearing and seeing it. I'm very happy in that front right now but it also put every other goal I had on hold. That included weight loss.

I realized this year that when I was losing weight I was so dedicated I considered it my primary job. This year it fell so far back in my mind it became something I should look in to when I get a chance. "Let's do lunch next month, eh weight loss?"

But something brought it back to priority number 1. My health. I have been so satisfied with my current weight loss because my health had gotten 10 times better. My skin infections had subsided, my hormone levels were ok, and my menstrual cycles were pretty regular. But in the last two months I suddenly got something new. In the course of a week I started getting red, itchy bumps all over my skin. I thought it might have been bug bites but once I got a chance to see a doctor I learned it was a skin infection. A DIFFERENT skin infection. Out of the frying pan and in to..another frying pan. It's like my body is telling me,
"Hey. Hey! You're not done yet! Why are you sitting around? You still have pounds and pounds to go! You can't get comfy at this weight! Here, take that! Now deal with it."

What a way to get my attention eh?

So now I have something new to remind me that I still have 40 lbs to go to hit my goal weight. 40 pounds! All I want is to get to a BMI where I'm no longer considered obese. At this moment in time I would be very happy with being overweight.

One thing that I definitely need is support. I haven't been a good support system this year and because of it I've lost my support system as well. I feel a bit lost and lonely to tell you the truth. No fault but my own.

One of my biggest resolutions is to become a better weight loss supporter. I finally checked in on the people that I have been following and nearly everyone has hit a rut or has had trouble this year. I will not give up on these wonderful people just like I refuse to give up on myself.

Despite my failure to lose weight I have been adamant about maintaining my weight. I refuse to get anywhere near the weight I used to be. Not all is lost, and despite this lengthy post there were many wonderful things that happened this year. Which I'll post about next. :)
Stay tuned for the happy flip side!


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