I'm upset. Today was the final straw in a building state of anger I've been holding for a long time now. Today I had plans to meet up with someone. I sent them a message in the morning. Didn't hear anything from them all day. When I finally did hear from them they messaged me pretty much saying "Sorry Elina, next time." I pretty much snapped.
The problem with this is that I have heard the same thing over and over and over again by so many different people over the last few YEARS that I finally couldn't let it go this time. Moving around all the time has it's pros and cons. One of the pros is that I end up living in really interesting places and I'm always thinking of friends and family I wish I could share the experiences with. I invite people to visit. I invite people to join me for some activity. I invite.
People usually start out being really interested. They encourage me by talking about times and dates and things we could do. Then sooner or later I get the call, the text, the facebook message, "Sorry Elina, can't do it. Next time."
I've gotten so used to the response that I've come to expect it. I've gotten used to the feeling of disappointment. Until I realize every once in a while that this feeling SHOULDN'T be so familiar. I get upset. I get mad.
The problem with that is the second I get upset I run to the mirror. I find everything I can about myself to criticize and blame those things on why people cancel on me.
"You're so fat and ugly, who would want to hang out with YOU anyway?"
"You're so pathetic and weak. You can't even stop yourself from eating. Why would anyone want to hang out with you?"
"You have such a horrible personality; pushy and loud. If you push you'll just make it worse!"
So I make excuses. I tell people it's ok. Too bad. "Next time." And although I sound ok with it inside I'm beating myself up and getting upset.
Why do I say it's ok when it's not?
Because I convince myself there's no point in getting mad. That I'm sure that concert, that other person, that event, that club meeting, that bed is more important. Although I don't fail to notice that another person, event, or sleep is more important to them than meeting me. That doesn't escape my attention either.
----> Now most of the time I understand why people can't make it. It usually has to do with lack of funds, schedule conflicts and car trouble. These are understandable. But still.
Why don't I tell people how I feel?
I should. I'm learning that now. But at the same time I would never want to guilt trip someone in to visiting me. I don't want to force anyone to see me. I've done it before and it never worked out. I want them to come because THEY want to. I want them to give me some of their time and show me that I matter as much as a concert. That I'm worth the effort of getting in to a car and driving a few miles even though they're tired.
Is that too much to ask?
Usually when I get this emotional I head straight for the fridge. I forced myself to stay in my room tonight. I told myself that the fridge had NOTHING to do with why I'm upset. And it doesn't.
I just have to keep going. Talk to old friends. Maybe dump the ones that don't have the time for my friendship and find new ones that do. I know that not everyone is treated this way. I've seen it with my own eyes.
*Sigh* I apologize for the rant but sometimes you have to let it out.
I ran almost 4 miles tonight after I got the latest "Next time." They were the smoothest 4 miles I've done.
Have a goodnight!