I haven't weighed in in at least two weeks.
I can honestly say I'm worried.. Scratch that.. I'm scared.
I'm scared because I can see myself in the mirror and I KNOW I'm not where I want to be.. I KNOW I'm not going to see the number I keep hoping for (which 221 lbs btw... that was my 30 pound mark that I barely tasted before the pounds came rolling back last month).
But you know as I keep thinking about it I'm also getting pretty sick and tired of feeling scared.
Living in fear is something I've perfected in my adolescence and it's pissing me off that a part of me is still living there.
Why should I be scared? Why should I let that horrible feeling take me over and make me hide?
So I gained weight... No one ever said this process was going to be easy.. Actually earlier this year it felt TOO easy.
I shouldn't have said anything. Now I have to struggle with learning from my mistakes. Starting over, and moving forward.
I went to town yesterday and stocked up on groceries.. I was craving cheese.
When I finally made it to the cheese section of the store I felt trapped and cornered.
Everything looked delicious! Everything looked amazing! Everything looked so easily accessible.
I had to look at cheese spreads, blocks of cheese, grated cheese, cheese slices and crumbled cheese.
I was so overwhelmed knowing that in almost any way processed and stored I could buy the cheese and easily open the fridge, stick my hand in, grab cheese and eat it before I could realize I was binge eating and run away from the fridge.
I felt so doomed I almost literally ran away from the aisle.
Can you believe that? Elina being so scared of CHEESE for goodness sake that she almost ran away from it screaming?
Yes. I am not kidding here. I was almost sweating and biting my bottom lip at my own paranoia.
But alas I saw a solution in the corner of my eye. .. A small container of Feta crumbled cheese.
Perfect!
This cheese is amazing. Comes sealed in a tupperware style container that will make me think twice before I open it and best of all I DON'T like the way Feta tastes when I eat it by itself.
Why is this perfect you ask? Because for me Feta cheese is either made to be added to a dish or not eaten at all.. It's kind of like baking cocoa. You love it in your cake but wouldn't want to grab a spoonful and eat it (not very tasty without sugar). Or cinammon. You love the smell and taste of it when you add it to your favorite pastry or drink but wouldn't really consider grabbing a cinammon stick and munching on it for a snack (at least I wouldn't.. they're not that good alone lol).
So problem solved! I get to buy my cheese and eat it too WITHOUT having to worry about going nuts over it or choosing to binge eat it when I'm bored in the trailer.
Sweet Deal!
I buy my cheese and a few other healthy choices (like greens, tilapia, and chocolate almond milk)) and head back to the trailer.
I've also started a new workout routine. I don't want to talk about it yet because it's still in the works and I don't want to jinx it by mentioning it more now... But soon!
Over all, although I'm a little nervous at checking the scale tomorrow morning I am also happily returning to a healthy routine that will, hopefully, help me continue on my journey.
Until tomorrow I leave you with this awesome picture I took outside my 'trailer park' with the new work camera I was issued. (Yes I'm not supposed to use this awesome camera for anything other than work but I made the excuse that I needed to learn how to use it to take some awesome pictures!)
Let us step away from fear, open the door and check out what life has to offer! In this case a beautiful "Dancing Lady" butterfly in a field of yellow flowers.
wish me luck everyone and don't forget to suggest Healthy Recipes!
love
-w0rld
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