On a Journey to Wellness

Come with me on my journey to losing weight, getting healthy and going out to meet the world head-on!

LilySlim - Weight loss

Friday, October 1, 2010

"I hope my gut hangs out today": Frustrations of a Fat Girl

So I've finally started my new job in the desert. I think I already commented on how hard it's been for me to move around in tall rush and swampy, muddy waters using rubber wader boots, and how that's making my legs sore but hopefully giving me a good work out.. but let's back track and start from the beginning shall we?

So I started work last Sunday. I met the lady I have been emailing with since May and I found her to be much younger and cooler than I expected, although she tends to apologize for things too much.

When I was first shown the area I was going to be working in I cringed and again started worrying that I wasn't physically fit for a field job (old insecurities die slowly) but I gritted my teeth and told myself I've done worse things I thought I couldn't do and I would triumph over this also.

It didn't help though that that first day I had unintentionally worn "tummy tucker" undies and no belt and therefore my pants were falling down all day during that first set up.

I kept inwardly yelling at myself for my bad taste in under-clothes while at the same time trying to keep a positive twist in my mood since getting stuck in boggy mud every 5 minutes didn't help either.

The next day I specifically wore underwear that didn't "tuck" anything and hoped (although I couldn't believe I would ever hope for it) that "my gut hags out today" to prevent my pants from falling since my belt loops were holding up those damn rubber boots I didn't know how to wear. Eventually I was able to adjust those damn boots and my self-consciousness and mood lightened up tremendously...

but not for long..

You see in the beginning I was also happy to hear that a co-worker I met earlier this year was coming out to help me work this first week, since my permanent partner won't be available until late October and I'm going to be working with different people every week until that guy makes it here. I didn't know much about the project and I was nervous, so knowing I was going to meet up with someone I already knew made me happy...

However! What I forgot to remember was that this individual is a crazy work-a-holic with crazy energy and goes to extremes (in my opinion) in their physical labor ethics... What all that jargon means is that this person was too much for me.

I don't want to rant too much about them but let's just say that they runs 100 mile marathons for fun, is a vegetarian and thinks hiking up a canyon in the middle of the day, during a heat wave, in the desert, for 2 hours is a "quick look at the habitat you'll be working in for the next few months"... and *I* being a 100 hour marathon reader, loves meat and cheese at any meal, hikes slowly and cautiously and gets Very cranky being outdoors during triple digit numbers is NOT in the same mind set or league as this person.. It's safe to say that we silently but efficiently butted heads.

As the days went on I felt a little bit judged and attacked as someone who wasn't serious and "can't cut it" since I wasn't as fast as they were, I wasn't enthusiastic about "researching the habitat" as they and I wasn't out doing yoga exercises outside or running at 4 a.m. like them. I might have been imagining half of it but I didn't appreciate this silent judging and it got to the point of irking me when they would say little comments that probably didn't mean anything.

This brings back a lot of insecurities not only of my weight, my shape, my job, even my femininity. I don't think they were trying to hurt me but I was already nervous and this wasn't helping my self esteem.

I'm happy to report however that this didn't make me go in to a binge stage. I did sleep a bit.. but I also ended up going crazy over repairing the trailer I'll be living in for the next few months.

The place was dirty, dusty, cobwebby and out of date. At least the stove and hot water worked.. I decided that fixing the trailer slowly but surely would be my project to keep my mind off things, my sanity in check and my life in order.

I'm also planning on buying my own scale tomorrow. This is a big deal since I've never owned my own scale before.

Pictures of work and my trailer project soon!

rant end.

love
w0rld

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