I don't feel fat tonight.
Looking back on it I can count having that feeling throughout my entire life in one hand I think. I'm enjoying it tremendously at the moment.
So much so that I had to blog about it.
Yes it's midnight right now. Yes I'm in a motel room next to the freeway. Yes I'm exhausted after four hours of endless driving. But I'm calm and pleased.. and I want to share.
I just finished having an awesome weekend; on what is quickly becoming a late October tradition, of attending a convention with old college buddies each year. This year, although the newness of the events had worn off, the feeling of familiarity and fun was still present and during my drive tonight I realized something:
This was the first year I didn't worry about my weight or appearance(as much). I got to wear the outfits I wanted to wear without worrying about being uncomfortable or looking like a "fat girl trying to be skinny."
Because of that I naturally felt more comfortable with myself and less self-conscious. It changed my mood a bit and, dare I say it, brought out some slight confidence in my step as I strode through the hoardes of familiar and unfamiliar faces.
I actually got complimented more than once. I was even called "beautiful" and "hot" and not just by gay men this time. LOL. I might even recall getting looks that lasted longer than a general glance... but maybe I was just being hopeful on that last part.
Either way I'm admiting right now that I actually allowed myself to feel "pretty". Something I had almost NEVER allowed myself to feel before.
Now, most people out there might think I'm exaggerating.
"It's not like you've never felt pretty before Elina. Get over yourself." you might say.
But what you have to remember is that a person who has been living with incredibly low self-esteem and had actually almost completely convinced herself of how hideous she was and how that would never change, could actually have a hard time getting to a point where she could feel comfortable enough with herself to feel good and, well pretty...
Not only that but acknowledge it.
Not just acknowledge it but embrace it.
Not just embrace it but decide to make it public (aka this blog)
It's a big step.
I think I'm making progress.
I looked at myself in the mirror tonight.. with almost the same setting as the last time I did it.
There I was in a big motel mirror, ready for major criticism. I couldn't muster up enough energy or need to think of anything horrible about myself.
I actually commented, "Hmm. It looks like I'm losing weight." and left it at that.