Yesterday was not a good food day. Well I admit the day before also wasn't a great food day since I kept getting up from the couch going to the kitchen, eating something and going back to the couch all day.
But yesterday was the day of utter temptation. And I lost the fight. I was cooking chicken that afternoon, planning to just eat some with some pinto beans my grandma made earlier that day and that's it.. but the night before my parents bought Pan Dulce (that's Mexican Sweet Bread to you)
something like this
and left it in a tray in the middle of the dining table and not to mention a bag of bolillo
mmm.. bolillo my worst nemesis when it comes to bread. so good so great for tortas and general sandwiches.. mmm
So without meaning to I ended up eating two sweet breads before noon and a torta for lunch.
I ate some of my chicken too but I wasn't that hungry by then.. but then my brother came home later that afternoon....
He was eating a donut.
Now I know perfectly well that eating donuts is one of the worst things I could do, since I can never stop at one, theyre not only sugary but fried.. and just bad news all around.. I usually avoid them like the plague.
But my brother had one. To top it off I'm also reading the fourth Dexter book.. and if you watch Dexter you might remember that he works with cops and he uses donuts to make cops happy as well as himself happy since half the book is all about Dexter being hungry and the kind of food he eats!
So I start complaining that now I want a donut. My lil teenage sister with-the-metabolism-of-a-gerbil suggests we go out and get donuts. I tell her I would if I knew there was a donut shop close by. Unfortunately for me she DID know of a donut place close by.
I'm seriously tempted to go get a donut. To sabotage myself I tell my sister that if she wants a donut she has to go with me. And if we're going to get donuts we have to walk there.
Now, my plan here was that since my sister is as lazy as I am and never EVER wants to go for a walk with me, I expected her to back out of the "let's get donuts" plan because that would mean she had to walk a few blocks and how could she muster up enough energy for that.
Pretty good plan right? WRONG! She thinks about it. I, convinced the conversation was over, go to the kitchen to wash dishes and 2 minutes later my sister comes over and says,
"I have my shoes on. I'm waiting for you."
I couldn't believe it! By now my mouth was watering at the thought of a donut. But not only that I had eaten another sweet bread by this time and in order to make excuses to GO get donuts I tell myself I'm going to replace the bread I just ate, "because that one was dads and he's going to get mad at me for eating his pan dulce"..
So feeling slightly guilty, but not guilty enough to stop, I put on my shoes and we go walking to the donut shop.
I end up buying half a dozen donuts.
Does anyone else feel like Homer Simpson right now?
We also walk over to the Panaderia (that's Bakery to you) and buy ONE sweet bread. To replace the one I ate earlier. It seemed silly that we had a big bag of donuts in one hand.. and a tiny bag of ONE bread in the other.. but that's how it worked.
We walk home.
Is the story over? NO!
After we get back and distribute the donuts between my sister, my sister in law, my brother and me... my mom finally comes home.
She brings in a rotisserie chicken (like the ones you buy cooked from the grocery store) a huge box of Costco pizza, a humongous pumpkin pie, and a box of greens with Ranch Salad dressing on the side.
I inwarldy scream!
Turns out my mom came home from a dinner for faculty (she works at the school district and is good friends with most of the staff and faculty) yet very few teachers actually showed up for the dinner. So my mom being the nice lady that she is.. decides to bring home the food.
My sis-in-law is already getting a plate for the pumpkin pie.. that looks as big as a medium sized pizza.
The pizza is being consumed by my brother like there's no tomorrow.
I'm still eating my donut. But now I want pizza and pie.
I'm not even hungry but I decide to grab a little of both before the other two finish it.. that's my logic here, "Those two are going to finish all the food and if I don't get in there there's going to be nothing left. I better go get some"
and I do. I get some. A slice of each
By the end of the night half the pie is gone, there's only one donut left in the bag, and only two slices are left in the pizza box. Now I know I didn't finish those things by myself. But my slice of each definitely helped.
The worst part of it all is that I didn't even feel that guilty about it.
What I did feel was hopelessness.. and maybe a little anger. Anger at myself for not being able to resist and discipline myself. But also anger at my family for continuing to bring these things to the house and not even having the decency of putting it away instead of leaving it at the table where I can see it.
Now I know this isn't fair. It is not their fault that I can't control my urges, that I can't just "stop eating then" like my little sister says every time I complain when she makes brownies and leaves them in the table. That I can't just put the food out of my mind and adopt the motto of 'out of sight out of mind' and just NOT eat.
But at the same time I can't help but get annoyed. I sometimes feel like the food they bring is a test. A test to see if I'll break. I don't know if this kind of support is something I can live with for too long. It's not working.
But again it's not their fault. They're not the ones trying to lose weight. They're not the ones who have to worry about it. I can't put my diet and changing eating habits on them, because then *I* am the one torturing *them* with my brown rice and curry instead of quesadillas and carne asada they love so much.
Who am I to change their eating habits? Who am I to complain? Why should I force my journey on them?
In all honesty I'm hoping that my job starts soon. Once I'm back on my own I can dictate what I ate, when I eat it and how. This is mean. I love my family. But I don't think I can continue doing this much longer.
I don't want to feel hopeless and helpless anymore.
I promise to stay away from the left over 'evil' food today.