Third Blog-aversary: Awesomeness in Pictures!

So yes, in my last Blog-aversary post I talked about all the things that went wrong and didn't go the way I planned. But enough of that. The year 2012 ended up being a great year when it came to excursions, achievements, and over all experiences. Each month represented something new, and thanks to me being a photo fiend I was able to take pictures of it. 

January 2012: I completed my second 5k! The Coastal 5k outside of L.A. was a great location and I was thrilled to have been able to run a second race. At this point I was planning on training for a marathon. 

February 2012: I was back in full swing at work. I got a chance to complete a 13 mile hike from up in the San Jacinto mountains down to Palm Springs. It was an awesome experience.

March 2012: I completed my first 10k! The Coaster Run next to Knotts Berry Farm theme park in Buena Park, CA was a great location and a great day to run this race. Here I am with my medal and my pie! No, I didn't actually eat the pie. LOL

April 2012: I took a trip up the desert and visited my second home. It had been a while since I hung out in the Mojave desert, and getting a chance to do some old field work and climbing on rocks was a great expereince.

 May 2012: I got to cross out something from my bucket list! I visited the Redwoods in Northern California. The tallest trees in the world and the whole forest was like a dream come true!

 June 2012: I got a chance to work with some amazing people and on the way I got to hike Muir Woods in San Francisco and experience another bucket list cross off: the humidity of the east coast. Hello Virginia!

 July 2012: Continuing on my awesome summer I got to check out Washington DC! I walked the entire Smithsonian museum quad (another bucket list!) and got to check out awesome sights like the Lincoln Memorial and the White House.

 Also in July I got to go to Chicago! I got a chance to ride the El train (bucket list!) and visit the Planetarium. It was an awesome vacation, where I got to wear a summer dress. Being able to wear this dress was a huge step up, when before I would never have dreamed of even owning one because I was so self conscious. I felt free this day.

 August 2012: My birthday! I welcomed 26 with a new mind set. I felt strong, attractive and happy. I was ready to go back to work.

 September 2012: After a whole summer of no running due to plantar fasciitis I finally return to running. This was one of my first runs in September. It felt good, don't let my weird face fool you. lol

 October 2012: Back in full swing at work I decide to go on one of my soul cleansing hikes. I love these hikes, for the view, the exercise, and just the chance to be outside.

 November 2012: Despite slowing down in my running I still managed to run my third race of the year and my fourth 5k. The Front Runners Pride run in Palm Springs was great and I ended up with my best time yet!

 December 2012: Christmas Eve I spontaneously ran a Christmas virtual 5k and ended up winning! It was an awesome way to start the holidays and give me a bit of spunk and motivation to continue on my journey.

Yes, I didn't end up losing any weight this year. Yes I have self sabotaging issues and I need to work on my priorities. But this year was an awesome year full of new experiences. I got to run races, hike, go to new places and meet new people. It was a great year and I feel I have grown. However, it's time to start over and start with basics. My journey is not over and I need to keep losing weight in order to better my health and my life.

Bring it on 2013. I'm ready for you.

-w0rld

Third Blog-aversary: What happened?

Three years. It's been three years since I started this blog. My first year, 2010, I titled the "Just Do It" year where I finally got off my butt and moved toward a healthier lifestyle. It went great. In 2011 the second year was the "Year of Risk Taking" and looking back at last years blog-aversary post it definitely was just that. Many new things and many new risks happened that year. That year was also the year I went to my lowest weight which was 199 lbs.

This year turned out to be the year of "Try, Fail, Repeat." I'm not saying the whole year was a failure but I happened to get ahead of myself, tried out different things and they just didn't end up turning out the way I wanted. Another name for 2012 could be "Maintain, Maintain, Maintain". After a while I started believing weight loss was impossible and all I focused on was maintaining my weight.

Last holiday season I went on a huge binge and gained 15 pounds in the two weeks. That made my starting weight for 2012 at 224 lbs. Throughout the year I managed to maintain between 215-220 lbs. I think the lowest I was able to get was 212 which was two weeks ago. One week later and I was back at 215 lbs.

What have I been doing all this year? In the beginning I started running more and even ran my first 10k race. Soon after however I injured my foot and spent the entire summer taking it easy and not running. Once the fall came around my motivation had waned and I did the bare minimum I needed to simply maintain my weight and not gain anymore. Since running seemed like the only exercise I could do and I couldn't even do that well (my mentality once I injured my foot) I felt like I was in a rut. I noticed that I kept making excuses all the time. 

Getting annoyed with the wrong people.

"If only I had a pool."
"If the dining hall would just cook less greasy food."
"If they'd stop baking cookies all the time!"
"If I could just have the time to cook my own food."
"If running weren't so boring."
etc etc

I realized even as I said it that I was simply unhappy with what I had and instead of trying to work with it and focusing on healthy habits I kept reminiscing on the 'good old days' where I was losing 5 lbs a week, had access to a kitchen and my own food, full access to a pool, and hiked every day all day.

To add to that weight loss was no longer my priority. This year I gained something else that ended up taking my complete attention and priority. This is going to sound horrible but it was men. More specifically one man.

So fat people can have love too??

 Before I lost weight my self esteem was non existent and not only did I believe that no person would find me attractive but I also believed that any person that was overweight wouldn't be able to find someone. It would therefore baffle me when I would see men and women my size or bigger having a great time on dates, moving in with significant others, getting married and having children. It BAFFLED me! I wanted to learn their secret, because of course it had to be a trick. I eventually had to learn that people are beautiful in different forms. I had to learn that confidence was sexy. I had to learn to love myself and love my body first before I could find someone to agree with me.

Once I started losing weight the confidence came with it. By the time the end of 2011 rolled around I felt like a new person. And people noticed; more specifically men noticed. I found one that caught my eye and I've been spending time with him every moment that I can. Friends who have witnessed me gush about it must be sick of hearing and seeing it. I'm very happy in that front right now but it also put every other goal I had on hold. That included weight loss.

I realized this year that when I was losing weight I was so dedicated I considered it my primary job. This year it fell so far back in my mind it became something I should look in to when I get a chance. "Let's do lunch next month, eh weight loss?"

But something brought it back to priority number 1. My health. I have been so satisfied with my current weight loss because my health had gotten 10 times better. My skin infections had subsided, my hormone levels were ok, and my menstrual cycles were pretty regular. But in the last two months I suddenly got something new. In the course of a week I started getting red, itchy bumps all over my skin. I thought it might have been bug bites but once I got a chance to see a doctor I learned it was a skin infection. A DIFFERENT skin infection. Out of the frying pan and in to..another frying pan. It's like my body is telling me,
"Hey. Hey! You're not done yet! Why are you sitting around? You still have pounds and pounds to go! You can't get comfy at this weight! Here, take that! Now deal with it."

What a way to get my attention eh?

So now I have something new to remind me that I still have 40 lbs to go to hit my goal weight. 40 pounds! All I want is to get to a BMI where I'm no longer considered obese. At this moment in time I would be very happy with being overweight.

One thing that I definitely need is support. I haven't been a good support system this year and because of it I've lost my support system as well. I feel a bit lost and lonely to tell you the truth. No fault but my own.

One of my biggest resolutions is to become a better weight loss supporter. I finally checked in on the people that I have been following and nearly everyone has hit a rut or has had trouble this year. I will not give up on these wonderful people just like I refuse to give up on myself.

Despite my failure to lose weight I have been adamant about maintaining my weight. I refuse to get anywhere near the weight I used to be. Not all is lost, and despite this lengthy post there were many wonderful things that happened this year. Which I'll post about next. :)

Stay tuned for the happy flip side!

-w0rld

Gangnam Style made me sore

So if you've been living under a rock for the past six months a catchy song and dance has taken over the nation (if not the world) called Gangnam style.



Being the complete dork, Kpop fan, and dance fiend that I am I declared that I would learn this dance!

So last night I went at it multiple times trying to get it down.

Well I think I was doing it right because this morning inner thighs are SORE! If you watch the video you will see there's a part where they put their hands on one bent knee and bounce then rotate their hips. Yeah... that was the move that did it. LOL

I'm still determined to get this song down! Once I do I promise to record it and post it.

Happy Christmas!

-w0rld

Finished the Christmas Virtual 5k!

I woke up this morning at 5:30 a.m. to the sound of rain. And rain. And more rain. I groggily brought out the smart phone and checked the weather. It said 80% chance of rain before 10 a.m. I had planned to complete my virtual 5k early in the morning, instead I turned over and concluded that I'd do it at 10 a.m.

At 10:30 a.m. I was out the door. It was still sprinkling a bit but not enough to actually wet my cotton hoodie. I completed the first mile in 12 minutes; my average pace.

Nice rainy xmas morning for a run eh?

  I completed the second mile in 25 minutes; still regular pace but by this time I started to slow down a bit. I hadn't run since my last 5k in early November so I wasn't surprised at how winded I was becoming. But I kept it steady and kept going. I finished the 5k in 39 minutes 10 seconds back in my neighborhood.

I did it!

It was an awesome way to start the holiday celebrations! I'm glad I did it! My post race sweaty mess then went home and took this final pic with my bib.
I've said it many times before but I really am grateful for finally getting off my butt and moving towards a more active lifestyle. I would have never done anything like this when I was younger and although it's been a few years since I started, and yes I still have not reached my goal weight, I still am proud of moving towards fitness and away from a more sedentary lifestyle. 

Thanks to Kiley from Daily Vitamin F for hosting this virtual 5k!

Did you complete a race this morning? How did you do?

love 

-w0rld 

Bored? Go eat a donut run a race!

I've been home for a week and like every year when I go home for the holidays I fear I'll go back to my old ways and start binge eating like crazy due to boredom or who knows what. This year has been no different. I have been eating everything I see. I think I worked out twice in the last eight days.

More and more I've been noticing how I've been sabotaging my own weight loss. The second I see that I'm losing weight, or gaining it, I continue to eat. I suddenly become very tired, or very lazy and I can't/don't work out. I keep wondering why I'm scared of losing weight. Is the weight part of my identity? Do I feel like losing weight is losing myself? What exactly am I fearing? And how can I stop myself from sabotaging my health? I feel like I need a personal life coach yelling at me constantly, saying "Get off your ass! Go work out! Do it now!" except that person is me and that person seems to have lost their voice.

So I decided to log in to blogger and search for inspiration. I always get a bit of inspiration reading everyone's blogs. And one of the first things I saw was someone announcing a virtual Christmas race hosted by Daily Vitamin F

I've never run a virtual race and I thought "Why not?" Money is tight, motivation is low, and strict race rules are not what I'm in to right now. So why not go for a race that's free, you can race the way you want and as long as I do it at Christmas I'll be fine. Sounds like a great idea!

So that's what I'll be doing tomorrow morning. Putting on my running shoes and going for it. It'll be fun and it'll be cool knowing there are people out in the world that are doing the same thing I'm doing even though I don't know them, we're not at the same location or time zone. But we're all moving toward fitness and our goal of completing 3.1 miles on Christmas. Awesome.

Better than scarfing down holiday chocolate right? I think so too.

love
-w0rld

When you can't believe weight loss is happening...

I weighed myself this morning and the scale said
Current Weight: 212.4 lbs

Now that's awesome and if I can lose one more pound I'll be back to the 40 pound loss mark. I haven't been there in months! But I can't seem to believe it. I look at myself in the mirror and if I look hard enough I can see that my face isn't puffier and my clothes seem to fit nicely enough. Yet, I still can't seem to believe the scale.

I didn't feel satisfied with the number so I brought out the tape measure. It said:
Hips: 47.5 inches
Waist: 40 inches
Chest: 46 inches

I lost 0.5 inches on my hips and 1-2 inches on my waist.

So things are going well. Yet, I can't feel satisfied. I don't feel the loss. I'm happy but I somehow keep feeling like it's a fluke. Maybe I've been stuck in this plateau for so long that weight loss seems like a fantasy.

I'm going to continue watching my food intake and exercise. Keep it simple and see if this fluke luck continues. Who knows, maybe I will get under 210 lbs by January.

*Looks around suspiciously* Could this be true?

Cautiously enthusiastic
-w0rld

Waking up and feeling... bleh

Have you ever had that feeling where you wake up and you feel... just not right? Where you wake up and you KNOW your body doesn't feel well or rested, or fit and you KNOW it's because you didn't get a chance to exercise well the day before, or you ate that extra brownie when you shouldn't have?

Now have you ever gotten that feeling when you wake up where you do feel refreshed? When you know you've been keeping up with good food choices and you just feel.. fit and healthy?

Yeah I miss that refreshed feeling. It's the best way of me measuring my fitness and my habits. When I wake up in the morning and I feel stiff and heavy I know I did bad choices the day before. If I wake up and I feel good and healthy I know I did well the day before.

I'm hoping that my days this month start with the healthy-happy mornings. Lately I've been feeling stiff and out of it. I want to return to fitness... and yet I just finished eating that last piece of chocolate. I need to work on my priorities and my motivation. It's lacking again and it's getting harder and harder to keep going.

That's all I hope for right now. Motivation and a healthy feeling. Is that too much to ask?

-w0rld

The month of November

The month of November has been crazy and flew by. One second I was about to do my third 5k. It came and went and now December is here.

Many things have happened and at the same time not much has changed.

I finished my 5k with my best time yet. I finished it in 34minutes and 28 seconds. My last 5k was in 34 minutes and 50 seconds. I was able to shave off almost half a minute. Now that may not be a big difference but considering I hadn't been running as religiously as I was the year before and having a stupid injury that still occasionally bothers me, running a little faster is a GREAT accomplishment.

After that I've been hiking! More pictures of that to come soon.

Have I lost any weight?

I checked on Monday and I am in my dreaded plateau of
Current Weight: 214.0 lbs

This is actually good news because I had been keeping the scale at 216/218 and this slightly smaller number is a welcome change.

Let's hope I can keep the numbers low for December.

Happy Holidays and hopefully more consistent updates from me.

love
-w0rld

Running a 5k tomorrow!

Even though I had been thinking about it and I don't really feel ready for it I decided to register for a 5k, the very same 5k that I ran for my very first time last year.

Running my first 5k last year.

It was the race I ran before I injured my foot and stopped running. Before I regained 10 lbs. Before I decided that eating a ton of chocolate the entire month prior was a good idea.

Why did I want to run a race I don't feel ready for? Because I'm scared. Because I've been taking it easy and I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can run as well as I could earlier this year, or last year.

But I want to prove to myself that I can still run. That although I've been in this long, looong plateau that I can still accomplish something. That I can still go out for a goal and reach it.

I really feel like I've slowly been losing my grasp and control of my weight loss. I've been scared and lazy and I worry that I won't be able to lose weight again. I've been sabotaging myself as well, which makes me wonder what it is I'm really worried about and why do I keep eating.

Is it motivation I'm lacking? Dedication? Consistency?

Apparently I haven't lost it completely because I still have the drive to sign up for a race and do it tomorrow.
Thankfully I won't be alone! There are 6 of us running this race. There were 5 of us last year.

I guess I'm hoping that running this race will re-kindle my drive to continue my weight loss regime. I need something to jump start me again.

I'm nervous. I'm curious to see what my timing will be this time. I'm excited to be running with others. My initial goal for this year was to run a half marathon by now. Things have changed but I wanted to at least not completely give up on racing.

Nervous yet excited

I'll have full updates on the results of race day later this weekend.

Hope everyone had a fun Halloween!
-w0rld

I love where I live

I went out this morning telling myself I'm going to go for  a short run. It didn't really end up happening. I ended up walk/jogging which is fine. I at least got out there. But the thing that kept distracting me was the gorgeous weather.

The day is bright. The sky is clear. The breeze is cool and playful. At some point I turned and I could see the mountains covered with granite and pine trees. In the foreground are the beautiful Cottonwood trees dancing their yellowing leaves and making it seem like they twinkle. And in front of that was picket white fencing and the light smell of horses in the air.

I had to stop and take it in. "I LIVE here. I can't believe it." I took a big breath and took it in one more time before I kept going. I love where I live.

I live here.

This SO beats a gym.

Love
-w0rld

Walk it Off

I am not having a good week. Family drama, finance issues, health worries... all of these have been adding up this week and I've been taking it out on the bag of fun sized Snickers one of my co-workers bought last weekend. I knew those Snickers weren't helping.

On Tuesday I ran the farthest I've run in months and tonight being my other night off I needed to run again.

I jog/walked the two mile loop surrounding the camp.
I finished in around 27 minutes.
I started walking to cool off.
I kept walking.
I walk/jogged the two mile loop again.
I kept walking.
I walked/power walked the two mile loop a third time.

By the third time around I had cooled off enough to realize it was almost 9pm and it was COLD outside. My back started aching and my foot started acting up. I figured it was about time I stopped.

Each time I finished the loop I knew that I wasn't done, so I kept going.
Why did I keep going? 
With all the stress I've been accumulating it's no wonder that I suddenly upped the distance in my jogging. I haven't gotten faster but these runs haven't been about speed. They've been about stress relief and over all fitness.

I just want to feel better. When I feel overwhelmed, upset, tired, sad to the point of tears, and I know food is only going to make it worse I vote for walking.

I LOVE walking. Not jogging. Not running. Walking. It used to be my job. To walk a grid back and forth for miles. I loved it. I love it still. It gives me that sense of peace and reflection I can't get just sitting around pondering what I'm going to do next.

Other things that keep me busy are cleaning my room, drawing, and writing things down. But nothing clears my mind as well as a long walk.

I kept walking until my mind cleared. After my mind cleared I kept walking until I changed my attitude. By the end of the third loop (despite the cold and a couple of aches) I sprinted with a giant smile on my face and did a little dance at the finish. That's when I KNEW I was done.

When I returned to my room and looked in the mirror I noticed how my skin looked clearer. I love it when exercise helps my skin look better. LOL.

I hope this weekend makes things better. In the meantime my feet are still working, my running shoes are intact, the road is still there and the stars are out. I'll see you out there.

Love
-w0rld

Running: The Ultimate Guilt Tripper

I hiked all last week. Did I lose weight? I doubt it since I balanced it out with trips to the coffee shop and a lot of chocolate. I admit I've been too ashamed to weigh myself this week.

I also hadn't run since last Tuesday. I figured it was time I put on my running shoes.

I have been using an App on my iPhone called Run Keeper

Run Keeper pretty much tracks your distance, time, route and even average pace per minute. Since I already use my phone as an iPod and listen to Pandora radio (mainly Club music radio) while I run it's pretty easy for me to turn on Run Keeper as well. It really helps me learn exactly how far some neighborhood roads are and plan my distances accordingly.

I recently joined a work out plan part of Run Keeper with different challenging running activities for a number of weeks. It's been really cool and it's nice not to have to wonder how far or long I should run that day since the App tells me what I should do everyday.

Tonight I ran my farthest distance in months. I ran 4 miles in 53 ish minutes. I think that's pretty good since I haven't run that far since before summer.

However the entire time I was running (and I ran the first two miles with one of my co-workers who even pushed me a little bit) I KNEW I wasn't trying hard enough. I KNEW that I could have gone faster, run farther, paced better... you name it. Yet I continued to stop and walk. I continued to slow down then speed up after I felt guilty for slowing down. I continued to yell at myself throughout the entire run. Yet I still didn't feel like I improved, and felt guilty throughout it all. Once I finished the run and checked my stats I could see where I could have tried harder.

But I didn't try harder. And THAT is my problem. I don't push myself hard enough. I comply with the bare minimum. It's a horrible habit. One that I need to break in order to get ahead in my running, my weight loss, my work, my life.

I have to push myself harder. I guess the reason why I'm so... cautious (at least in running) is because of my plantar fasciitis. This injury continues to haunt me and keep me back. "If I push too hard I'll hurt myself again." It's a fear I need to learn how to overcome.

I'm not sure how to do it. But for now I need to keep going. Don't stop. Keep my activities consistent if nothing else, and just Keep Going.

Keep going.
Keep going.

That's what I'll do.

What about you?

-w0rld

Hiking Adventures in the Mountain

I've been AWOL again but in reality it wasn't because I was too busy to blog or that I was off the wagon. I've been keeping busy and being conscious of my weight loss effort. However I haven't really seen many results and in reality I was bored of not having much to talk about that I just DIDN'T update anything.

Now I know that in reality I shouldn't get lazy with this blog because I know that besides the number on the scale this blog has helped me stay accountable for my actions, has helped me get motivated and motivate others and it really is a good log to see my patterns and remember where I've been and how far I've come (not to mention how much farther I have to go).

So here I am. With an update too!

I had this week off from work and I decided to stay local and hike my area since I haven't been able to do much hiking since I started working on the mountain a YEAR ago.

So here are a few highlight pictures of my last three hikes. I went for a 6 mile hike on Tuesday. A 13 mile hike yesterday and a measly 2 mile hike today that was cut short due to weather.

Off in the distance of my 6 mile hike is Suicide Rock.

I get to travel through a bed of beautiful ferns

My food reward for hiking? Beef Jerky!

I <3 hiking="hiking" td="td">

The second day I go up the Friendship Trail near the Ranch

Heading out!

My view from the Pacific Crest Trail. Perfect.

Resting my feet by the Spring half way through my 13 mile trek. 

Last day of hiking I decide to an easy trail called the Ernie Maxwell Trail

Sadly that hike got cut short due to snow!

As I literally run back to my car, soaked and cold I stop and take a pic of this quickly filling creek. Awesome.

These last three days have been rejuvenating and has reminded me that I can do a lot more than I think I can. It's reminded me how much I LOVE hiking and has shown me how much my area has to offer. God I love the woods.

That is all for now.

Happy Hiking!

love
-w0rld

The word of the day: CONSISTENCY

This entire month has been bipolar between going out and running or hiking to being completely lazy and eating bread like it's water. I'm doing healthy things but the problem is CONSISTENCY. I have no consistency.

I need to work on that because when I become inconsistent then weight gain always wins. It doesn't matter that I've been active or watching what I'm eating. If I'm not doing and watching myself regularly I WILL gain weight.

Proof:

Current Weight: 218.0 lbs

I gained 3 lbs in 8 days. Sigh. Time to get rid of those pounds and work on it regularly and in a timely manner.

Now to get off the internet and actually do what I'm saying I should be doing.

-w0rld

Weigh In/ I Think I Found My Theme Song

Happy Labor Day to my American friends. It's an interesting concept don't you think to celebrate hard work when most of our holidays are about play or taking a break from the norm. I really like it and I think it's completely relevant for a weight loss blog. Losing weight (and keeping it off) is hard work. Physically as well as emotionally. And hard work pays off just like today's weigh in shows.

Current Weight: 214.8 lbs (-0.4 lbs)

Now this may not seem like much but after a long week of cafeteria food and TWO days of triple cheese extra buttered grilled cheese sandwiches the fact that I lost any weight is great. Also I promised myself that I would get to 214 lbs by the beginning of September and I made it, barely, but I made it!

I jogged twice last week. Once on Monday and once on Friday. Between those times I managed to do my pilates video once (Cardio Pilates). I'm still doing crunches every night but I admit I haven't kept up with push ups. Time to start that up again.

Not a great pic but I could see the PCT over in the far mountain.

My big exercise was doing my first hike since coming back to the mountain. I went up a trail I've only done once before. I was with friends who knew where they were going lastt time so I felt a little lost for most of it since I was doing it alone this time. But the view was beautiful, the day was perfect, the trail was clear and the landmarks were visible.

I ended up taking a different route than last time. I ended up carefully climbing over a low-yet-locked-fence and ended up in a neighborhood. That road took me at least an hour to go through until I reached the highway. Then I walked back to our street and made it back home. It was a lot of fun believe it or not. LOL
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Despite exercise my main focus last week had to do more with looking inside of myself and trying to find self acceptance. It's really contradictory when you're trying to change who you are by becoming healthier and happier, but in order to get there you have to accept who you are now, love yourself for who you are already, and learn to love what you see in the mirror. It's like an oxymoron but it's necessary.

I realized that although I've gotten over a few things in my life I still have a lot of insecurities, a lot of self loathing and it really started affecting my relationships with others.

Specifically I was having a hard time with my body and sex. The constant fear I have due to self consciousness, the vulnerability of (literally) unveiling myself to a partner, and learning to let go of my well practiced control can be overwhelming. Just the thought having to undress in front of someone you desire, needing to keep confident through out it all, not to mention the logistics;figuring out placement of body parts, constantly worrying you're going to hurt them and/or yourself, annoying jiggling.. I mean I can go on.

And yes I've heard enough about the key being confidence, that guys are (or at least should be dammit) just happy to have a girl in their rooms, that it's all about how you feel not what you look like yada yada yada. It's so much easier said than done. And to tell you the truth most of those speeches were given to me by (what I figured to be) happy married people, gorgeous thinner women, and my adored and adorable male gay friends. In other words I didn't feel comfortable accepting any sort of advise from someone who didn't actually understand my position seeing as they'd never been in my place (in my opinion). I needed to hear it from a FAT, Sexed out, and HAPPY woman. And that's exactly what I went in search for.

I found it. 

I found this book:

Big Big Love: A Sex and Relationship Guide for People of Size (and those Who Love Them) by Hanne Blank.

This book was pretty amazing, mainly because it's tone was that of complete acceptance and had a big over all message that said "You're FAT and you deserve to have amazing sex. Now here's how to do it."

A lot of the things they talked about hit home and I was kind of surprised that many things had to do with  problems for people BIGGER than me. It's rare when I'm actually not big enough to relate to something. It was kind of an eye opener.

Over all it had a lot of messages about acceptance. Now this doesn't mean that I'm going to thow in the towel and say "Well this book is telling me that I'm fine being fat so forget this blog I'm going to go eat cake." It's telling me that I don't have to HATE myself for being fat. That going on this weight loss journey isn't about getting rid of things that I hate but gaining the tools to make my life healthier, better, longer and that I should ENJOY the journey instead of huffing and puffing waiting for the day when I reach my destination.

I've read enough blogs and other people's comments about how they thought that losing weight was going to solve all their problems yet it didn't. I admit I've been hoping for the same thing. I understand now that it's not going to happen so when I finally do reach that destination; that BMI that no longer says OBESE, I will meet it with improved confidence and self worth.

This is what I mean when I say I'm not going to give up and that I'm sticking to my journey. Sometimes I will break down and eat cake. But as long as I get back to it and have a smile on my face when I look in the mirror, I think I'll be ok.

In my search for more websites and books that can help me with my confidence issues I re-found this song I heard on the Wii. I decided that it will be new theme song for now. I leave you with it now.

Happy Monday!

love
-w0rld



Lyrics


Big girl, you are beautiful

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, "Hey girls, you are beautiful"

Diet Coke and a pizza please
Diet Coke, I'm on my knees
Screaming, "Big girl, you are beautiful"

You take your skinny girl
I feel like I'm gonna die
'Cause a real woman
Needs a real man, here's why

You take your girl
And multiply her by four
Now a whole lot of woman
Needs a whole lot more

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, "Hey girls, you are beautiful"

Diet Coke and a pizza please
Diet Coke, I'm on my knees
Screaming, "Big girl, you are beautiful"

You take your girl
And multiply her by four
Now a whole lot of woman
Needs a whole lot more

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Oh, you are beautiful

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Big girls, you are beautiful
Oh, you are beautiful

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy, come on around
And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize
Since the words are my praises
A watering hole with the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girl, you are beautiful
Big girl, you are beautiful
Big girl, you are beautiful
Big girl, you are beautiful
Big girl, you are beautiful


Big girl, you are beautifulBig girl, you are beautifulBig girl, you are beautiful
Copied from MetroLyrics.com 

Back on the Mountain!

So last year I started working as an Outdoor Educator for a Science Camp located on a mountain in Southern California. It was probably one of the longest jobs I've ever held. Not because I can't keep a job but because most of my jobs prior were seasonal and therefore only lasted a few months. Seeing as I was used to moving around multiple times a year I was originally unsure whether I was interested in returning to the mountain for another year. I simply wasn't used to it. But at the end I decided to stay.

Now I'm back on the mountain. Training started this week and that also meant that I had to start regaining a system for working out and seeing what was available to me. No gyms, no classes, no treadmills or elliptical machines. Instead I have mountain trails, roads, my room, my laptop and whatever equipment I have on hand.

I know I was complaining a bit about how tired I am of living in the middle of nowhere and how I would kill for the chance to have access to dance classes or a pool. That hasn't changed but at the same time I can't deny the beauty I have available to me. I can't take it for granted. I look around me every day and see the gorgeous landscape surrounding me, the peacefulness of my neighborhood, the active people living with me and I can't help but be excited and willing to go outside and regain my health by breathing in clean air and making my body work naturally.

Running again!

So now that I'm back I have been able to weigh myself, measure myself and even tried going out for a couple of jogs.

Here are the results thus far:

Current Weight: 215.2 lbs

Measurements
Hips: 47.5 inches
Waist: 43 inches
Thigh: 26 inches
Calf: 16 inches
Arm: 14.75 inches

Looking at these numbers I can see that I've managed to maintain my measurements for the year, losing a little on my hips (yay!) and I also managed to lose a few pounds this summer. Nothing major but enough to give me some motivation and keep me optimistic.

Remember this? Yeah, ouch ouch ouch!

As for running; since I haven't run since mid May due to my plantar fasciitis I was nervous about starting up again. I went to a doctor for the second time and she assured me that as long as I continued to do exercises to strengthen my plantar fascia and support my foot with good shoes and insoles I could continue running. With that hope, I tried running on Wednesday and again today. My foot hurt slightly while running and I got a small twinge of pain once as I took my running shoes off today but other than that it's been doing fine.

I was pleasantly surprised with my timing. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Running times
Wednesday: 1 mile in 12min 58 sec
Friday: 1 mile in 13min 09 sec

My right outer thigh is a little sore but other than that I'm doing great. The goal is to try jogging a 5k by November if not a little earlier. I plan to take it easy and go slowly. I'm also planning on going hiking this weekend. It's going to KICK. MY. ASS. I can't wait. LOL

I have had the tendency of trying a lot of different things and hope they'll work. This fall I'm going to take it easy. I'm going to eat what I like. I'm going to keep active the way I want. The point is to not over eat, keep the food healthy and stay active, stay active, stay active.

If I try to quantify everything and expect it to qualify my actions I'm going to get burnt out and stop or "fall off the wagon". If I keep it simple and just make sure I work at doing smart, healthy choices every day I'll be fine. I don't want to stress myself out if I don't get to run 3 miles in under 20 minutes by mid September.

Yes I'll continue to have clear, precise goals. Yes I'll continue to stay away from processed foods and etc but I'm not going to guilt trip myself if I eat cake, or if I didn't count calories, or if I decided to stretch and do yoga one day rather than hike 10 miles like I had originally planned.

All will be well. I need to relax and learn to be happy with who I am and not wait until "I lose 10 lbs" or "until I look good in this dress."

Fuck it I'm going to live! and live well!

My goal for the end of the year is to reach 200 lbs by New Years. That's 15 lbs in 4 months. My god that should be do-able! And I'll do it!!

love

-w0rld

My Birthday Gift to Myself.

My 26th birthday was this Friday. (26!! I can't believe it.) Although I spent the day helping my grandmother move to her own apartment (ever!), dealing with mis-communication with the building manager AND moving things in the heat, I managed to stay in a great and complacent mood all day.

Was moving my grandmother and running errands my favorite way of spending my birthday? No. But I woke up that morning feeling.. ok. I didn't feel "fat" or tired. I was first woken up by my mother who burst in to the room, sang happy birthday very loudly, dropped a gift on my head, gave me a kiss and attempted to sock me 26 times before giving up after 8 and then ran out the door to go to work. After that I got up and reached for the scale.

My goal was to reach 215 lbs by my birthday. I had been going from 216 to 218 and back again all month so I wondered if I had reached that treshold and crossed it. I stripped and stepped on the scale three times. Each time it told me 214.0, 214.0, 214.0 lbs!

I had made it! I had reached LESS than my goal weight!

 I weighed myself the morning of my birthday and I saw the number I had hoped for. I guess the end of my period, and my considerably shrunken calorie intake due to getting 3 of my wisdom teeth removed a few days earlier (not to mention the sessions on the Wii Fit. LOL) had been enough to move the scale the few pounds I needed.

That was enough (oh and happy birthday wishes on facebook and some nice phone calls) to keep me in a great mood. That day I ate leftover cake for breakfast (my grandmother's birthday is one day before mine so it was her leftovers), had a salad with sliced ham pieces for lunch and steak for dinner/ no sides.

Letting our masterpieces dry.

I didn't get a chance to really celebrate my birthday how I wanted that day but today I got my family to humor me and try out making tie dye t-shirts. In the early evening we all went to a little photo studio and took a new family portrait/picture. We've all changed so much physically and so much has happened (umm can we say baby NEPHEW?!). I was excited to have proof that I have changed as well. Hopefully when the prints come out they'll not only show the decrease in puffy cheeks and double chin but will also show that my smile is more genuine now. The reason behind it being that in reality, although after almost three years of starting my weight loss journey and NOT reaching goal weight, the journey has really taught me so much about myself. I've been able to grow as a person and my confidence has bloomed so much since the first day I started this blog. I've been to many places, met many people, reached amazing goals as well as unexpected set backs.

I'm ready to see what's next. 

I'm in my mid-twenties now. I keep hearing people reassuring me that I'm still very young, "Just a baby!" But I don't feel that way. By this age my mother had already gotten married, had both my older brother and I and was expecting her third kid. She had her own little apartment with us and had started her life goal of having a family as well as working as an accountant for a factory. Although getting hitched and having kids has never been a goal in my life (yet) I would have thought that by now I would have had a more stable life.

I'm working on that frustration right now and hoping that by the time I'm 30 I'll have a better grasp of my life and my goals and would be well on my way to reaching them. I think I'm making good progress over all don't you?

I can't wait to see what this new year has in store for me. 25 was an interesting year. It wasn't the easiest but I think I seriously grew. I got to cross out A LOT of my bucket list just this summer! I have started a new career! I've even grown in my personal relationships. All these things are fantastic accomplishments. Time to keep going!

I'm hoping that this year I'll be able to rekindle my love of the arts. I want to challenge my mind as well as my body. Let's see how this goes!

love
-w0rld

Victory on the Wii Fit!

So every once in a while, especially when my two year old nephew is around, my family turns on the Wii and turns on the Wii Fit. Even though I am completely against video games (In my opinion they are one of the main causes of teenage obesity in the U.S) I have to admit that the Wii Fit is pretty fun.

If you don't know what Wii Fit is it's a video game program where you step on to a platform and use remote controls to make a simulation of you do different poses, and run different activities and games, while at the same time it tracks your weight, your estimated calories burnt and even gives health tips. You can make simulations of your entire households and can compete for who does different activities best etc.

At the start of every check in it asks you to do a "Body Test" where it measures your posture, it weighs you and asks you to do certain activities that test your balance, your posture, your eye-body coordination etc. It then also gives you your BMI, and it estimates your "Wii Age" which is how old your body actually seems depending on your age, and how well you pass the little tests they give you.

According the game tonight I currently weigh 216 lbs, my BMI is 34.72, my "wii age" is 29 (mainly because I messed up in one of the activities it had for me) and it reminded me that I need to lose 4 lbs to get to my current goal, which was to get to 210 lbs.

It's a pretty fun thing to have and one of the main games that I have been literally sweating my bum off to beat is the obstacle course. The obstacle course is just that; a series of obstacle courses you have to run, jump, maneuver and race to get your little sim to get to the other side. It's timed and as you pass each level you gain more time. If you get bumped off it returns you to that level with your remaining time and you have to try again.

For the life of me I was NOT able to finish the final level no matter how close, slow, fast or hard I tried. Tonight I DID it. And I sweated! All it really is is walking in place on a platform but it was enough to get me riled up, competitive and yelling at the screen. Let's just say my little nephew was having a LOT of fun seeing Tia Elina going crazy and yelling at the game each time I 'died' or lost due to time.

Is it silly to be so excited over a game? Not when that game is one step closer to my goal. Not when I feel great when I finish. Not when it even helps me out and entertains a two year old at the same time. LOL.

So today I had a small silly victory. It was awesome aaaand by beating it I  unlocked the advance level of the obstacle course (that's right I was going crazy over beginner). Guess what I'm going to do the next time that game gets turned on. You got it. And you know what, I'm going to take it seriously because what's the point of having this great tool if you don't do it they way it was intended. You don't actually burn the calories if you cheat. That's not fun. That's a waste of time. And believe me I don't believe in wasting time, ESPECIALLY on a video game.

Got it? Good.

I'll see you next time for my next victory!

love
-w0rld

I wish I were Overweight.

This weekend was eventful. I went to the dentist on Saturday for a consultation and left with three wisdom teeth extracted. You can imagine the changes I've had to make to my eating habits. I think it's a blessing in disguise because I now have to think twice before I put anything in my mouth. I have to force myself to eat slowly and in small amounts. I have to make sure the food I eat isn't greasy and not to hard to chew. I feel like a little kid. I also noticed that the over all amount of food I eat has gone down significantly. Am I hungry? Not really. Eating slowly really helps me find out how hungry I actually am and how full I have become.

A part from not getting to eat too much I have been spending some time playing Wii Fit. The thing has a body test you can take each time you play and besides learning that I need to work on my balance it continues to remind me that I am obese. My BMI is currently 35. In order to even get to Overweight I have to be under 30. Honestly, that's all I want right now.

I long for the day that I can step on to the Wii Fit balance board and have the little game tell me I'm overweight. It will tell me that I lost enough weight to NOT be in the red zone. That it will tell me I've worked hard enough to get away from the health risks, the physical disabilities and unfitness. It'll mean that I've worked beyond the depression and insecurities that come with the obese package. It would mean that I've finally passed a large obstacle and that I would be well on my way to what the BMI scale calls "normal".

I have never been a fan of the word "normal" but in the case of weight and health problems the word doesn't sound too bad.

One day at a time. Today I will do my best to work on my fitness goals. Whether it be working on my calorie in take (and washing out my mouth every five minutes to make sure I don't get an infection while my mouth heals) or working on my balance, or working on my hurt foot.

One day at a time.
-w0rld

Weigh In/Riding my bicycle.

I've been home for almost two weeks now. I've been worried about gaining. I've said it enough times in this blog that the SECOND I come home I subconsciously revert back to my old ways of overeating, under-exercising and lazy-ness. I've been keeping record of my weight this week and here is the results of two weeks of being a lazy bum at home:

Current Weight: 216.6 lbs (+0.2 lbs)

I'm maintaining! Even though it's not a loss, it's a BIG deal not to have gained weight after two weeks!

I have eleven days to lose 1.4 lbs. My goal is to simply be 215 by my birthday. That's all I want. Lose ONE pound. It's definitely do-able.

The only exercise I've been doing is bicycling. My house had lost their tire pump and that's the only thing the bike needed, so while I looked for a decent (and inexpensive) bike pump I was using the stationary bike my family owns (and doesn't use). Now that I bought a pump I've been taking short rides around my neighborhood. Let me tell you it's not easy. I get winded even looking at a hill and I'm still trying to understand gears. I haven't ridden a bike in YEARS!

But it's fun and I'm not used to sharing the road with cars. It makes me a little nervous sometimes I admit. I'll have to stay safe and get over that because I plan to make bicycling my new cardio work out.

 Any bike riders out there have any tips? I'm completely new and the only thing I know about my bike is that: it's old and rusty, it's not a cruiser, I doubt I can go off-road with it (not that I'd want to anyway right now I'm still getting the feel for it), and it WORKS! LOL

I'll take a pic of it later.

Have a great Monday!

love

-w0rld

Back from the East Coast!/ Weigh In

It's been a while since I've updated this thing. I can't say I regret it too much though because after my job in Virginia ended I started a whole new adventure, that didn't make me any less tired but it was definitely interesting.

After Virginia I took a trip to DC,  took a bus to Pennsylvania to work for a week and a half

 and then I took the train to Chicago where my actual "vacation" began. LOL. The Chicago trip was a huge 

ugly orange dress outside the Chicago planetarium

relief to have since I hadn't really stopped to take a breath since before I first flew to Virginia at the beginning of June. I even went out of my way to buy a dress, a complete change in wardrobe from my t-shirts and capri pants I had been sporting all summer. I wanted to get something that was completely "not me". So I found what I like to call my "ugly orange dress". The color is horrendous and not something I would usually wear. But I loved it for the same reasons. It somehow made me feel good about myself and I used it as a statement that I'm on the road to change. Change my body, change my mentality of who I am and what I can do. I can be a girl. I can wear pastel orange. I can look at myself in the mirror and decide to like what I see. It was a great day, my ugly-orange-dress day.LOL

crossing the Mississippi river

After Chicago I took the train back west. I got to experience my second (and much longer) Amtrak train ride. I got to cross the Mississippi river and check out the changing scenery from the mid-west to the south west U.S. I was surprised at how much I enjoy looking at New Mexico. LOL

And although I was busy. Although I was trying new things, working with new people, dealing with my lack of energy to be social, my culture shock and my gratitude toward the people I met and hung out with; besides all of that I was always conscious of my food indulgence and my activity level. Now was I "on plan" the whole time? NO. But I made a point to continue calorie counting for as long as I could, and I continued to try my best to do at least some sort of calisthenics or cardio most days.  I also finally got a chance to really try out my pilates videos on my days off in Pennsylvania and found out that I really like them. The stretches, work out and breathing exercises really leave me feeling good and relaxed. It's like a form of meditation. I need to remind myself to do it more often.

I've been home for 4 days now. I vegged out and enjoyed being home. I caught up on TrueBlood with my sister (LOL). And I admit I started eating things I shouldn't. But three days is enough and it's time to start working again and not get lazy. I know it usually gets hard for me to stay active when I'm home. The environment in the house is that of "relax, watch tv and eat when you feel like it" which can be nice and HORRIBLE all at the same time.

To stay away from that I finally brought out my scale and weighed myself. I was scared. I had been on and off the wagon all summer. I wasn't sure what to expect but I figured I'd at least maintained. I didn't feel any bigger any way. Here are the results:

Current Weight: 216.4 lbs


I checked it twice and even got my mothers Wii Fit to check my fitness level. I currently weigh 216 lbs. I am so EXCITED! My goal for this summer in the east coast was to lose 5 lbs from when I saw that I was 220 lbs again. I wanted to weigh 215 by Chicago. I think I reached my goal.

This is just more motivation to keep going. I return to work at the end of August. I want to lose 2-4 lbs by that time. I want to AT LEAST weigh 215 by my birthday in a couple of weeks. I think I can lose one pound in two weeks. Don't you think?

I'm keeping these numbers small and realistic because I don't want to set myself up for failure. My main goal is to go back down to the 200 lbs mark by the end of the year. I want to be back in ONEderland by the start of the New Year. I honestly think I can do it. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Big smiles!

My heart is light and my mind is positive. I had started the summer with a negative self image and anger, anger, anger. At this moment I feel hopeful and positive. The way it should be. I don't hate the person I see in the mirror. I actually see an (dare I say it) attractive woman with a big smile and a future. I hope I'm right.

I hope everyone's summers have been going great and to plan. I will NEVER give up. I'm still fighting. And I CAN make it.

You can too.

love
-w0rld