Last night was one of the roughest nights I'd had in over a year. When depression hits it hits hard. Have you ever had one of those moments when you feel absolutely hopeless in your weight loss efforts?
After years of yo-yoing and being stuck in the same weight it's bound to get to you. Last night it got to me. It's the same struggle I've had before about trying to love my body while trying to change it and look 'better'.
I've also noticed that the very little amount of self esteem I've gained started to dwindle after finding out that the person I love does not love my body. Knowing that he doesn't find me as attractive as thinner women really hurts. I understand it. Of course I do. Fit women are beautiful and ooze confidence. I can understand that he is naturally attracted to them. But can you understand that although he tries to reassure me that he loves me while asking me to lose weight, I can't help but feel self conscious and ashamed of my body?
I want to lose weight for myself and feel good about my body. I want to feel attractive and stop feeling ashamed of my body. Feeling horrible and ashamed has never helped me lose weight. It's this feeling that made me gain weight in the first place.
It's a mess and I'm sad. However last night, although I felt horrible, I showered, fixed my nails and worked out before going to bed. I figured that if I at least took care of my body, even though it was already 10pm, I would at least sleep better knowing I did something about my situation. Have you ever cried while doing crunches and giving yourself a pedicure?
Today I decided that I needed to 'fake it til I make it' and told myself that being sad and acting pathetic wasn't going to help. I acted amiable during my job. I ate semi-well and worked out. I now feel a bit better, a bit calmer, and have a little bit of hope restored. I hope I can get over my self consciousness and regain some self esteem while I continue my weight loss struggle.
I hope your weekend is happy and confident.