It's been almost five months since I last posted. I can't really believe it myself. The reason I've been gone so long is because I had given up.. I think. I hate, hate to admit that I gave up but I have no other excuse. I think that the news I got from the nutritionist back in February started a chain reaction of depression.
The idea that despite all my blood test results coming back fine and great didn't matter because I was still unhealthy and still incredibly obese really got to me. The realization that almost everything I ate turned in to sugar which then turned in to fat that I was storing frustrated me. The fact that I wasn't losing weight even though I was going to the gym almost everyday really depressed me. Even though I had gotten stronger I wasn't seeing the results and although it shouldn't have gotten to me it really did.
I haven't lost any weight since I last posted. I'm still at 210-ish pounds and have yo-yoed up to 213 lbs and back to 210 lbs.
I spent way too much time pretending to change my diet but would cheat. I also later realized that I hadn't been eating well at all. I stopped eating most bread, rice and potatoes. It wasn't that hard. Every once in a while I would have slice of bread and I would eat rice a little more often. However sugar was a huge problem.
Ice cream, peanut butter, chocolate, ripe fruit, bbq sauce; I would eat these things constantly. It was no wonder that I wasn't losing any weight.
In April I was asked to move out of the apartment I was staying at and move back with my parents. Soon afterwards I got a mild case of shingles. I completely stopped working out and felt horrible. By the time I moved back to the Eastern Sierra a month later I was completely out of shape and felt heavy every morning.
I was so lucky to have the love of my life move in with me this summer. I had a lot of fun thinking of different things to cook that I indulged too much with butter and etc. Eating out was also a problem. We did too much of it and I was always the one to suggest eating out. The only thing he ever asks me to do is to get healthy and lose weight. It's the only thing that I haven't been able to do and instead of motivate me to get back in shape it depresses me. The only thing I could do was force myself not to gain anymore weight. It's probably the only reason why I didn't gain more.
Now the love of my life has moved away. He started a new job and I feel a little lost and even more sad. However I have always worked better at losing weight by myself. He's helped give me tools to work out again and I've been re-watching inspirational health videos to try and get myself in the right mind set.
I watched one video today that had a lot of information on the addictive qualities of sugar and how vegetables can help detox your body and help you lose weight. This wasn't news to me but there was one quote that really hit me. To paraphrase:
"Many times when you start changing your food habits you think 'I really want this but I CAN'T' and that CAN'T is the problem that prevents people from succeeding. You have to change your mindset and say "I can eat this but I don't want to.'"
That's exactly what the problem has been for me. I felt so deprived in not being able to eat what I wanted that I cheated all the time. I need to get in the right mind set and remind myself all the time WHY I'm doing this.
To get healthy and lose weight.
One good thing out off all this depressing mood is that my skin infections have subsided quite a bit. It's not completely gone but I have noticed that eating less bread/sugar has prevented it from getting worse.
I'm going to start again. I'm going to start a streak. I won't announce it right now. I hate when I announce something and then give up. I want to see if I can do it for 3 days straight before I announce it. Hopefully that'll give me a boost.
I think it's time to let this fog I've been in subside and let some sunshine back in to my life. I don't want to feel this low for my birthday and it's coming up really soon.
New beginning measurements:
Current Weight: 210 lbs
Hips: 48 inches
Waist: 44 inches
higher waist: 39 inches